Please help-back to nappies or persevere...

[pugh]

I am so desperate for advice.

DD (just 3) started PT herself 2.5 weeks ago. We went 'cold turkey' ie no nappies apart from at night. And it has been going ok. Virtually no accidents at nursery but a nightmare when she is at home or over weekends.

We(husband & I) are getting very stressed. She isn' t an 'easy' child- maybe she is a normal 3yo...I don' t know. I try not to make a scene but she has awful tantrums and everything is a negotiatoin and sometimes I have to 'force' her to do stuf ie get out of the car/ get dirty or wet clothes off or ...(fill in the gap)

She has done pees&poos in the toilet- also when out and about. I take toilet seats with.

But with us she seems to loose all control. If she hasn' t been for hours we try to get her to go & she just shouts:'I don' t want to!'. Often-invariably-she then pees/ poos in her pants.

No doubt it is worse when she is tired. She also has a horrible cough&green snot nose at the moment. Impossible when we are out and about-apart from if other kids about and they go to the toilet.

Attention is divided as little brother is a crawling inquisitive monkey and I need to keep an eye on him too. Plus he isn' t sleeping so we are tired.

I think:

1. The novelty has worn off with the whole process
2. She will do anything to avoid being interrupted w what she is doing
3. We are annoying her by asking repeatedly if she has to go

My husband wants to put her back in nappies. She is un-bribable and has no interest in sweets or chocolate(can you believe it). A star chart worked at the start- I think.

I am in tears and dread weekends/ trips. She has initiated going a handful of times but largely I have to watch her like a hawk in case she starts a pee- then she can hold on till we get to the toilet.

Sorry so long!

Any tips appreciated...
Is this normal?
Am I failing her?
Should we give up?? Nursery thinks she is doing v well...

It sounds as though this has become a real battle and the harder you fight the harder she is fighting back. Wet pants are really not that bad, she has only just started, has to cope with a little brother who is probably getting in her way now, and is only 3.

At nursery there is a routine where everyone is using the toilet and less of the natural and normal emotions that happen in a family

I would take a step back but leave her nappy free. Have some routine to using the toilet (before you leave the house, before meal times) but at other times don't worry. We found putting a potty next to were DS1 was really helped (he did not have to leave what he was doing!)

Reward her for dry pants throughout the day at intervals that are appropriate (maybe stars and stickers then a little present at the end of the day if she gets enough stars and stickers - marbles in a jar worked really well for my friends little girl)

Try and be calm and practical when she wets (oh dear, lets change you, remember to use the toilet next time)

If she is generally challenging have a read of the Supernanny books or we really like the Dr Tanya Byron book - little angels.

You are definately not failing her. Children are programmed to test boundaries and test their strength. You need to give her some control but set appropriate and consistent boundaries. Good luck!

Thank you so much for the reply.

It's awful. I dread her waking up/coming home. Within minutes of her being awake/home we are fighting about something. I feel useless. I'm supposed to be the adult yet end up sobbing like a child.

This is a battle. Like everything else it seems and I was naive to have thought she would be so 'easy' or good at it.

I have bought the supernanny book.

Re potty:leaving it close by doesn't work as little brother carries it away/eats it etc.

I'll try to institute a routine but she just screamed at me when trying to put her on toilet this morning. However, she has just done a pee herself on the toilet!

Back to work from mat leave soon and can't wait for her to be in full time nursery. How sad.

Poor you, I can really understand where you are coming from. DS1 was a nightmare (still not particularly easy) and I felt I was constantly having a go at him about something. Now with DS3 I am much more chilled (although I still lose the plot sometimes). I certainly found being more positive, ignoring the bad were possible, praising the good as much as possible, and trying to only argue about the important things, did help but sometimes hard work.

Children need routine and happy parents so if that what working (and full time nursery) acheives for your family then don't worry. My DS got significantly easier once he had started school so there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Ho about trainer pants - the ones with the Terry inside and the waterproof covering outside? They save a real flood or soiled carpets, sofas, car seats etc. but still pass as pants and you can truthfully say they are not a nappy.

Sorry that should be "How about ...."

Is there any way you could get someOne to take your DS for a day and just concentrate on training her? I'm no expert, we're only on day 7, but she sounds a lot like my DS i.e. stubborn. I was home alone with him and DD on Friday and it was honestly one of my worst days ever as a parent. Can't imagine how i'd manage if DD was mobile! DS was in crèche the first 4 days and was a toilet superstar from the word go but totally different at home.

Things have improved here through various mechanisms. We stopped asking him to sit in the potty all the time and only put him on when we know he needs to go (easy for us coz he holds his willy) and today we just let him tell us with some reminders.

Used jelly snakes yesterday which worked a treat, much better than stickers. I know you said treats didn't work but worth another try. Is there anything you know she loves? There's an Elmo app re potty you can get and I got a few others just to keep him on the potty long enough for something to happen. Obviously make a huge fuss if she does go & DS loves taking the potty to the loo to flush away the wee, bye bye wee wee! We also made up some potty songs and dances which he loved.

Once you get one day of her doing a few wees I think it'll get easier. We had no wet accidents today at all, although he's petrified of doing a poo but one step at a time!

Just thought of another thing, in crèche DS gets a stamp on his hand f
as a reward and he loves it do you could try that.

Some great advice here, we're 2 weeks into it, DD is 2.5, and having good days and bad days. We stick stickers on the potty when anything happens, and shout and cheer at even the smallest wee. Also we've got a Cadbury Gold Medal which we 'present' to her around her neck when she goes on the potty which she is loving at the moment!

Thank you so much everyone. Jeezo this parenting thing is hard! It is my lowest moment since attempting to breastfeed her.

We have been taking it a day at a time. She is v difficult eg establishing a routine like before/ after meals. The moment she ws we want her to do something it's a non-starter tbh! So she refused to go this morning and had an accident soon after arriving at nursery. No surprise.

However: she used a loo while out & about with success and this evening twice said she needed a pee- once after dinner and once while watching telly when she already had her nappy on for bed. Both with effect!

She also bellowed that she 'didn't make an accident' and was beaming with pride!

DS is sleeping (slightly!) better and combined with more success life is looking a bit better... But still a long way to go.

Waiting for the pant-liner thingies and a fold-away portable toilet seat is a godsend!

Thank you for all your replies and taking the time. Still need to read super nanny book...

You are so right - there were two things that reduced me to public tears and that was learning how to breastfeed DS1 (crying down the phone to breastfeeding advisor) and toilet training DS1 with a crawling DS2 (crying at our local baby and toddler group)

Sounds like you are making progress though so congratulate yourself on that. I really liked the Little Angels book especially and can really recommend it. I borrowed it (repeatedly!) from the library. 'Teaching your child to sleep' is also a favourite of mine!