HELP. DS holding in wee for hours, getting really distressed

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DS is almost 3. We tried potty training a couple of months ago but gave up - after an ok start he veered between holding it in for hours and just having lots of accidents - the one thing he wouldn't do was wee (or poo) on the potty. So yesterday we started again, mid morning - put him on the potty regularly, had a few accidents, no success with weeing on the potty. (He will sit on it fairly cheerily, watch TV, eat snacks look at books etc). By bathtime he was obviously a bit uncomfortable, hadn't been for about 2 1/2 hours but he was holding it in till he got his nappy on.

Then this morning we tried lots of nappy off time, on the potty loads in front of the TV. He held it in from about 8.15 until 12 when he went down for his nap. Nappy obviously wet when we got him up an hour later. But he then didn't wee all afternoon. We had regular potty visits, and he was running around with friends outside, so I expected him to have an accident, but he managed to hold it in. At 6 o'clock he was writhing around on the floor saying "No wee wee!". He looked really unwell, so I put him into his nappy and pyjamas, knowing that he'd wee in the nappy. A few minutes later he did, but was upset about it. "Wet! wet!"

I haven't managed to find any 'expert advice' in any of the potty training books for a child who has this problem. He just will not relax and wee on the potty. Do we just give in and put him back in nappies after two days? It's horrible to see him like that.

I had a very similar problem with my ds and it went on for months. He would no pee in potty or toilet and would rather hold it in for hours or have an accident. The thing that eventually resolved it for us was to persuade him to try peeing in a thing called a happy pee which I got from amazon. It is a tube type thing. He pees in this then we pour it down the toilet. It is easy to fit in handbag. He has one at nursey, one at home and one in my bag. I think the problem with my ds was that he needs to pee standing up. Have you tried him doing it standing up? We are still working on the poos and he is slowly coming round to the idea of pees and poos in the toilet. We started toilet training in November last year so it has felt like a very very long process. Good luck, I hope you get some good advice from others.

Thanks for the replies. He is totally ready for potty training in all ways but one - the ability to actually relax and do a wee on the potty! I suppose that is quite a vital one... I feel under a bit of pressure from the nursery that we 'ought' to be toilet training him now - but last time they agreed it was the right thing to do to stop as it wasn't working. We've tried suggesting he wees standing up but he he's always said no so far - perhaps it's worth pursuing though. I tried this evening laying a nappy across the potty to see if he would sit on that and wee, but he just wailed (he was in a state by that point).

I suppose we'll just wait and see what happens tomorrow at nursery, perhaps he will be more relaxed...?

thanks again

I had this with dd1 too. she was unable to isolate the 'letting go' muscles, and so could not manage to wee on the toilet for ages.

there are a few things you can try - getting him to blow out while sitting on the toilet - this works as it uses the bottom of the diaphragm/stomach, close to the bladder, and so he might 'feel' where to use muscles, iyswim? as a distraction you can get him to blow bubbles, or htose twirly windmil htings, or just blow out in general.

you can also try getting him to sit with his feet on a stool, so his knees are a bit higher (although if using a potty then this position shoudl be eaisly achievable anyway)

We tried blowing bubbles a bit last time, and it didn't work but might be worth going back to. He definitely needs some help to let go! I wish there was some sort of potty training expert we could go and see...

My hv gave me the telephone number of an expert at our local childrens hospital. Children dont get referred to her until they are 7 but she is happy to do telephone consultations and my hv said if I need more help they will both come and visit me at my home. None of the advice I was given helped me. I was advised to blow bubbles and it didnt help because ds wanted me to blow bubbles for hours while he sat on the toilet without doing a pee. I was told to keep him in pants all day but this really upset him and made things too stressful for us both.I was told to make toilet training fun, put him on the toilet in different positions, bribe him. I tried it all. I suppose every child is different and my ds is just very stubborn. Have you spoken to your hv?

No, I haven't, I guess I feel that they are more expert in small baby issues, but that may be unfair... Anyway, feeling cheery tonight as although DS came home from nursery not having weed since his lunchtime nap and was very miserable just before bath time, he couldn't hold it in and weed in the bath. I guess to most parents of potty training toddlers that wouldn't be an achievement, but it was great! Suddenly transformed him into a happy child and we did a lot of "Don't you feel better? It's really good to do a wee wee when your tummy hurts." The last few days he's been utterly miserable till he got his night time nappy on - perhaps we can convince him that he doesn't have to hold it in till then... fingers crossed!

does he see his dad wee standing up? Can you get him a stool and let him wee like a big boy. My eldest son wouldn't use a potty at all, but did use the toilet standing for a wee and with a seat for a poo. Offering him a treat for a performance has been known to work too, he will get there, if he is upset at wetting in the nappy then he is getting it. Just keep going!

We are trying bribes! We gave him some chocolate buttons after he pooed on the potty (this was because I whipped off his nappy and plonked him down mid poo - we will draw a veil over the mess that occurred). The promise of chocolate buttons to come does not seem to be effective in getting him to go anywhere near the potty if he doesn't want to, but I must admit we did give him a chocolate button for weeing in the bath tonight - if only because we were so relieved!

He seems to shy away from any thought of using the big toilet, either with a seat or standing. So far since we started on Saturday he has done two wees in the little toilet at nursery, once sitting and once standing.

He totally understands it in theory, just not in practice. I took him into the cubicle with me in a public toilet a couple of weeks ago and he said loudly and encouragingly. "Mummy done a wee wee! Well Done Mummy!"

I have heard embarrassment cited as a reason for non-potty usage, so perhaps give it a go with the potty behind the sofa (or other furniture)?

Good luck... I'm going to be attempting it soon, so am getting all the help available!

Next line of attack: I thought maybe he doesn't find his potty very comfortable and ordered this online. He may like it or he may be completely freaked out!

Glad to hear things are progressing. My ds started peeing in the bath too when he was going through his holding it in stage. This was when I persuaded him to pee in the happy pee and things got better from there. Though, I do think your son will like the new potty. I got a big Dino potty for ds which is similar to the one you are buying and he really likes it, it is the only potty he has every used. Hopefully the new potty will be successful for you, good luck!

Update - it took almost two weeks but he's worked out how to wee on the potty! It's easy now he knows he can do it. Hopefully that will give hope to anyone reading this thread having the same problem.

Just found this thread; really interesting. Does seem to be an issue with some little ones, especially boys, and none of the potty training books seem to cover it (and I've read loads!).

My DS is 3yr 2m, and until last week, we only had one wee on the potty in about 18 months of sporadic sitting him on there to see. Finally getting some paddling pool weather last week really helped, as he loved running around the garden swinging free, and standing in the cold water helped him 'let go' and wee. Had four wees on the toilet over the last week or so, helped along by chocolate button bribery. Refused to sit on the potty, but don't mind that. Hoping we're finally getting somewhere ...!