Dh is making an issue of ds (3.10) still only pooing in pull ups

[Everythingsgoingtitsup]

ds is 3.10. He's been potty trained for wees for months but he will only do poos in pull ups. We have tried everything to get him to poo in the toilet (pooland, pirate pete, different potties, big toilet, bribery, big rewards, star charts, discussing with ds, etc etc). He just will not poo on the toilet. I have read these threads, understand this is common, advice is not to push it.
On Saturday DP decides enough is enough, ds is starting school in sept and DP is going to insist ds uses toilet from now on. DP won't listen to me, says my way hasn't worked, that ds is going to have to use toilet at school etc, time is running out.
So Saturday tea time ds asks for a pull up, DP refuses, puts him on loo. Ds screams shouts etc but after about 30 mins poos, and is dead proud of himself. Sun eve he does the same but ds produces only a tiny pebble of poo which got half heartedly praised as we weren't sure if this indicated he had gone or tried not to ho, iyswim.
Last night ds said he didn't need a poo, waited for night time pull ups, did it in them. Tonight we have had an hour of hysteria on the loo, no poo, followed by immediate poo in nappy.
I think we should just leave it, that all this pressure will be making the problem worse and I hate to see ds upset. Dp's response is that I want to leave him "shitting in nappies forever" and he wants to know when this waiting for ds to be ready technique is going to work.
Help please, it's driving me mad.

Have you asked your son why he only poos in the pull ups?

Does he see you and dp poo on the toilet?

Could you make a book with son about him pooing in the toilet and then what happens to it?

Or read him a book when he is on the toilet?

What reason does he prefer pooing in his pull up? Would reverting back to a potty somewhere quiet he could sneak off to help? Is he still wet at night time???

or keep him naked in the kitchen with washable toys to brake the habit of pooing in pullups for a week then try the potty or toilet?

I seem to remember laying a nappy on the potty and that helped? He will grow out of it.

Thanks for replies already. We do read to him, make up songs, blow his recorder etc when he's on the loo. He says he can only poo while walking as thats how he does it in his pull up, not sat down. I've tried putting potty in living room and leaving him on it for privacy with telly on for distraction, also both sitting with him and leaving him to be private in bathroom. When he has pull up on he always 'hides' in our room to poo and tonight said he had to do it in our room as 'that's the proper place'.

Does he really walk??? Or does he mean standing???

Tried laying a nappy over the loo tonight, he just insisted on wearing it, even though it was ds2s (15 months) and too small. If we refuse him pull ups he just holds it in, he has held for 4 days before which can't be good for him?

You're right - your dp's approach will only cause your ds anxiety and make the problem worse. He needs to back right off.
I like AirofHope's idea of making a potty book - I did one for my ds, complete with photos, and he was dead proud of it. Have you read, by the way, Elizabeth Pantley's book, 'No Cry Potty Training Solution? Worked wonders for me and my ds, who was very reluctant to train. Ultimately though, what worked best, and quickest, was my realising that pressuring ds to train was really not going to work, that I couldn't make him do it, he had to do it himself. Once I backed off a bit, he trained quite happily, and very fast. If you think about it, at that age, a child really doesn't have that much control over their own life - toileting is really one of the few things they control themselves (to a large extent anyway), and they don't tend to react too well to having that control taken away...

He hides so i rarely see him 'in action' but I think ge walks until he is actually pooing, then stands still.

He wants to know when this waiting til DS is ready technique is going to work
Erm.... When he's ready!!
My DS was the same - dry from 18 months but would only poo in a pull up.
Can't remember how long it took to break the habit . Both DS & DD didn't like to poo if someone was in the room with them - so the potty was positioned where they couldn't be seen & could close door easily
Good luck - I know it's hard work when you don't have the same ways of parenting!

My ds was like this, I Di's aired of him ever using the loo. Then we were on holiday once in th pool and he needed a poo. I said "well, we can either leave the pool, and go three floors up to out room and find a nappy, or we can go to the loo and be back in the pool quicker. He dithered, cried, then said he,d try, but I had to hold him tight. So he clung round my neck as he sat on the loo, and I had to hold him really tightly for about a fortnight. They, suddenly he was OK. I never got to the bottom ( no pun intended) of it- he just said he was scared.

I wouldn't worry about this.

DS was like this for ages ( because I didn't get him to the toilet quick enough during toilet training and he pooed in his trousers) . Just let him be and he will grow out of it eventually - you can encourage him by talking about doing poos on the toilet but getting stressed out about it is not going to help at all. Your DS is just over three, many children are still in nappies at this age. He knows when he is going to poo by requesting the nappy so I am sure he will get there quickly enough.

If it were me I'd do this. I'd get a big bowl, fill it with 20-30 little wrapped toys, and tell him it's fine to poo in his pullup, but that he can have a present out of the magic bowl every time he poos in the toilet (thankyou Elizabeth Pantley) Give him the option, give the control back to him, and give him an incentive, and see what happens. He will grow out of it in his own time.

I think your dh is doing the right thing. my dh did that method with my two youngest and he got it sorted in three days flat and left the nappy off at night time too. I had got my self in a right state about it and was glad my dh took over and the kids new he meant enough was enough . He is a very loving dad but knows when the kids are messing about.

Scared of falling down the toilet and being flushed away maybe?

Could you make a game of walking round the bathroom and then when he needs a poo he sees how fast he can get on the toilet and hear the poo go plop? Try and make it fun and a spceial game before bed?

Or take a tourch in bathroom sit him on toilet and turn the light off. Use the tourch to make shadow puppets but you cant 'see' him go poo?

Its all trial and error. Just tell your dp that he will not be doing it when he is 30 or even 20 yo so chill abit.

My son starts school in September as well and we are currently going thru doing wee and poo in the toilet. Yesterday he had two accidents and today none. It just takes time.

My son was exactly the same, could only poo standing up, would ask for
pull up when needed To go so understood 'urge'. And was hysterical when sitting on toilet. I got so concerned about him holding it and then getting constipated hat I gave up. We tried treats, chocolates, everything. Eventually gave up and he sorted himself out. Far less stressful and lets face it, they all learn in the end. I think he was Nearly 4 when we finally cracked it.

Haven't experienced this myself but my friends son had similar issues with poo. In the end the only thing that worked for her was to back right away and jot really mention or discuss anything but ds got a treat if he chose to poo in the toilet, the control and choice was then up to him. He got there in his own time. I cant think putting on pressure and having hysterics can be good at all.

Ask DP'S Mum about his toilet training, what's the betting he was the same? Or would only poo at home and on no other toilets?

He needs to back off. How many men at his work are still "shitting in nappies forever" (special needs excepted) although it has been known for very drunk men to soil themselves! Making a non issue of where he poos means there is nothing to rebel against, and once he feels relaxed and in control of his own toileting he will start to use the loo.

Withholding will do DS no good at all, in fact he probably has to walk about before he poos to try to get going, he may well be constipated already by him producing a pebble of poo on one occasion.

My friend's son at 4 would only poo in a nappy. We would regularly look after each other's children (plus 2 or 3others) one afternoon a week, so we all got a break regularly.
One time he came round, 5 boys all playing trains, and he needed a poo. I took him to the toilet...he said he always wore a pullup. i said I didn't have any and. Persuaded him to sit on the toilet, then he could come back and play.
He did a poo.
Never asked for a pull up again.

I agree with your DH, what is DS going to do in Sept if he needs a poo at school? What is the plan, do you just hope that he will suddenly get it in the next 2 months? - That's a genuine question, I'm not being horrible.

Perhaps he needs a bit of a push now/help to get over this, I wouldn't be giving him a pull up to poo in, 'no more pull-ups DS, we do poos in the toilet, do you need to walk around the bathroom and then hop on toilet just before it comes out?' and repeat over and over.

It's worth a go for a few days/week (depending how upset/bunged up he's getting) if you have been trying the softly, softly approach for months and got nowhere.

Maybe loads of smoothies and fruit to try to stop him getting bunged up while he gets used to pooing sitting down.

Actually just re-read your op, I wouldn't go with 1 hour on the loo with DS really upset about it, no pull-ups, but no sitting him on loo for an hour either, could you find more of a middle ground.

A cheerful 'well instead of a pull up, do you want to try on toilet then you can have one of your special treat toys from the box' (Small cars etc)

It sounds really encouraging that he was proud of himself for going on toilet, so he wants to do it, he is just finding it hard to do in that position or scary or something.

Will he have a go on potty in your bedroom, as he thinks that's the proper place, I think that's what you mean.

Hope you manage to sort it, but no as I say I don't think I'd go with sitting on the toilet distressed for an hour, sorry I didn't read that bit more carefully before.

Agree with the bowl of incentivising presents for poos on the toilet. Only other thing I'd suggest is do you know any other children who might be happy to do a poo in front of your DS, on the toilet, to show him what other children do? My DS had issues with pooing on the toilet (we had lots of poos in pants) at first and what cracked it was a day at his childminders when her own toddler (to whom I will be forever grateful ) did a poo on the potty in front of DS. The childminder said the expression on DS's face was almost as if a lightbulb had gone on (oh that's what other children do! and nothing terrible happens!) and within half an hour DS had done his first ever poo on the potty and he never looked back.

I know it sounds a bit bonkers but I think sometimes seeing one of their own peer group doing something that frightens them can be a lot more effective than seeing an adult doing it...

Any news? How are you guys getting on x

Just to reassure your dh we had this ,ds1 was 4.10 before he would poo in the loo .He is 18 now and has just done his A levels (predicted 3 As)

One thing that might help from what you have posted is to have a step BT the loo so he can have his feet on something solid,much harder to poo with feet dangling as nothing to brace against IYSWIM.Also could make him feel more secure