Help, a, going nuts withDD's refusal to poo in potty

[treehugga]

I am at my wits' end with this. My DD is nearly 4 and was a breeze to train for wees and is also dry at night (mostly). But she has always refused to poo on the potty. For about the last year when she has need a poo she has just gone to get her own nappy, put it on, done her business and asked me to clean up. She managed to always do this at home andiwould say it worked well for all of us. But I also feel that progress is needed.. For one thing I have DS now (8 months so not a new one) so am doing nappies for 2, plus she is going to school in September and I want her to be able to handle it if a poo comes while there..

So, I am now into my second attempt to give up nappies. What happens is that she holds it in for as many days as poss - usually 4 - with increasing talk of her tummy hurting, crying and distrtess. Then we get to a day of wailing and screaming after which she will concede doing a poo in her knickers, absolutely refusing to poo in the potty. I am going mad. And all the while I am trying to be reassuring, supportive, encouraging, relaxed etc but the truth is I am no longer any of these things and I am starting to lose my tempter with the constant whining.

As this is the second attempt I really feel we can't go back to nappies or it will become even tougher next time but I am in a very bad place with her now and losing my cool. PS she is impervious to incentives!

You could refuse to help her clean up if she insists on a nappy, I suspect she enjoys the attention this gives her, and while you are willing to do this she will demand it all the more; same goes for a poo in the knickers, she changes and cleans herself up. Buy the cheapest nappies, save the decent ones for nights. Give no attention when she starts whining, except to say that you will see her later when she is changed and clean. If you deny her TV/DVD/PC time or whatever she was doing when she pooed until she is changed, she will begin to find it very boring and a nuisance, and it would be so much easier to just use the loo.

You could do the nappy lining the potty or across the childs toilet seat (again using the cheap nappies,) with the promise of a really swanky present (something she really badly wants) if she uses the loo or potty and not pants or a nappy anywhere else, after a designated number of days. You can cut a hole in the nappy eventually so that the poo goes through it into loo/potty, when DD realises nothing terrible will happen when she does a poo in the loo you can stop the nappies. You must be really positive about successes and say nothing except remind her of the goal, about failures. If she tries to go back to her old ways after she's received the present, you make it clear that you will take it away, because the deal was she poos in the loo to get the present and keep it. You can also reward with extra attention and time with you, if she uses the loo.

I wonder how much she cares about her peers being fine about loos for poos and whether a bit of peer pressure would encourage.

Really stupid question, but have you tried the proper toilet?
My DD was really quick to learn but refused to use any of the six potties that I bought her.
She was happy to sit on the toilet though.
Can you take her to see the place she is going to be attending?

Perhaps get her to tip the poo out of the nappy into the loo do she can see it and see it is no big deal. If you are out with friends emphasise when they go the loo and say look they can do it etc.

Treehugga, my DD was just the same. Potty trained for wees in a week at 2.5, refused to poo in a potty.

I don't reallylike punishment or reward systems so I just let her go in the nappy after asking her if she'd like to try on the potty. I tried not to put any pressure on at all. I told nursery the situation and I found out that on a very occasion she had gone for a poo on the potty there. Mostly she waited till she got home but I knew she could do it. I also got her grandma involved and she would try to encourage her to try the potty but I never punished her for wanting a nappy. I would just keep asking and she would say "When I'm bigger". Once I heard she had gone in the potty for grandma and I made a big fuss of her.

When I had my DD2, DD1 was 3 and I decided not to pursue it for a while as she had a lot of other stuff going on. I did however talk to a HV about it and she said it was extremely common and there was plenty on the internet about it. Young children just find it harder to let go of their poo than their wee and I think doing it in a nappy gives them some control. She told me not to push it. Not long after I think grandma was too busy to find a nappy to put on her and asked her if she would use the toilet. Maybe because it was coming from grandma and not from me she felt less need to dig her heels in. Anyway that day she went on the toilet and from then she was fine with potty and toilet.

I know you are worried about school but maybe go back to nappies for a while (it's not healthy for her to be holding it in and constipation will only make going on the potty more of an issue). Take her into the bathroom with you, ask if she wants to just sit on the potty whilst you go, let her see you poo and flush it away if you can, buy her a potty training book, be casual about it and don't make it an issue for her- the anxiety will make things worse- and she's got a sibling to deal with now so that may be making her want to maintain some control in an area she can.

Anyway maybe if you ease off over the next few months and don't make a big deal about it- she'll surprise you. I wish you luck. Please update us.