Can wee withholding cause damage?

[MakeHayAndSneeze]

Background: as a child I had renal reflux (wee going back up tubes into kidney instead of down and out, due to damaged bladder valve, leading to constant urine and bladder infections between the ages of 2and when I was - unusually as it generally sorts itself out as the child grows - operated on to insert a plastic valve) and it can be genetic. There was also some question as to whether the fact that I withheld my wee a lot following the birth of my sister damaged the valve and led to the problem - medics, is this likely?

Dd (3.2) has been scanned so there is no problem as yet, but I am starting potty training with her and she is soooooo STUBBORN. ATM she is dancing around clutching herself and has been for a while, but is refusing to sit on the potty. Yesterday (our first proper day) she did the same but eventually did 2 wees and a poo on the potty but it is beyond frustrating because she kept leaking due to leaving it too long. She is clearly uncomfortable and is just running around to try to stop it and I am getting worried that her stubbornness could lead to damage. What can I do to encourage her? I am getting stressed and cross and can't hide this very well.

I think with a stubborn child, you shouldn't engage or nag about toilet issues, it will make her more determined to defy you. She knows you are stressed and cross and you have reached a stalemate. I think your worry about potential medical problems is making you more anxious about this. It's only day 2, you can't expect perfection from any child at this stage in training, so of course there'll be damp pants as they attempt to control their bladders. I think the most likely outcome from holding a long time is that the bladder will just empty at some point and there will be a huge puddle.

Back away from the reminding and nagging. State calmly that she is in charge of her own toileting and so can take herself to the potty. She can call you if she needs assistance with wiping or clothes. The world will not end if she wets herself. You praise potty usage, but say nothing about accidents and don't expect miracles. I think that when DD sees there is nothing to fight against she will start to use the potty or loo because it is her own decision rather than something she perceives she is being forced to do.

You could consider rewards or star charts if you think they will work, but that is not guaranteed to work for every child. While out, you can say things like "I need the loo" and take her with you in hope that she might take the opportunity to go too, rather than say "do you need a wee?" which sounds like nagging and will be answered "no!"

You talk a lot of sense....I think we're definitely at risk of power games. It's just so hard to ignore the dancing though! She's just soaked the chair, o I've cleaned her up, shown her where the potty is and I'll try very hard to ignore. Thank you for the advice.

You might find it helpful to protect your upholstery with disposable bedwetting mats on the sofa and chairs seats covered by a throw or fleece blanket; or get a cheap vinyl shower curtain and cut up for the seats, top with fleece. You can put old towels under the fleece for more absorbency. Fleece is quick to wash and dry, and the waterproofing will help the seat cushions being soaked. You can whip them off after she's gone to bed or you have guests round in the evening, replacing them for next day.

Good ideas again, I hadn't thought of doing that and had been lifting her off the sofa! She's now on the potty but not going...... Aaarrrgggghhhh!

Tips to relax her enough to wee; make her laugh, or run a tap!

I tried the tap thing.....and she laughs a lot anyway (but if I can persuade her back onto the potty I'll try it again!). Yesterday she was clearly busting all day but only doing tiny bits occasionally (and refusing the potty again) to relieve the pressure briefly. Could it be a relaxation thing? I am not nagging, just reminding her where the potty is occasionally, and not shadowing her in case that is putting her off - nothing seems to help.

It could be that now there is no nappy she is holding on to not let the wee escape, and finds it hard to just let go properly on the potty. She finds the sensation a bit weird at the moment which is why she finds doing a tiny wee easier and she benefits from feeling more comfortable. You said in a previous post that she had soaked the sofa, so she must have done more than a dribble.

Is the potty itself not to her liking, have you considered a different style or trying the toilet? Or doing the lining potty with cheap disposable nappy trick? It could be the weeing on the sofa was easier because there was something close to her, whereas weeing into what seems like thin air makes her nervous.

That's certainly possible - she said a few times that she didn't want the wee to get out, and seemed upset when it did. I am ashamed to say that we have given up for now - it was really upsetting both of us (I can't get my fears about my own history out of my head) and we're leaving it until DH is on holiday so he can be the voice of reason. Thank you so much for all your advice - I'll need it when we start again!