HELP. Before I have ANOTHER emotional breakdown!!

[beckyboow88]

DS is 3y4m and has been potty training since just after his 2nd birthday. He grasped pooping on the potty fairly quickly, peeing has been a bit more of an issue and he is under a paediatrician as he constantly has damp pants as he dribbles, even when his bladder isn't full.

However, since just before Christmas he has started pooping in his pants again. He won't tell me he needs to go or even that he has gone until my extra sensitive nose sniffs it out!! Yesterday after 2 dirty accidents at soft play, I was highly embarrassed so took him home (with dirty pants) sat down on the kitchen floor and cried. I physically could not clean him (or even look at him) the poor boy was screaming at me "mummy please can we be friends again" so I locked myself outside for 2 mins and pulled myself together, kind of anyway. I picked him up, put him in the bath and told him to take of his pants and trousers and clean himself up. When his father got home I left the house and didn't come back until I knew he would be in bed. I know this was terrible parenting but it just got too much and I genuinely could not control my feelings!!

Today I was determined to have a good day and so we met friends had lots of fun, I was really positive like I always am when he used the toilet for wees and he knew if he had clean pants by the end of the day he was due to get a reward. However, he did it again - he pooped in his pants. I genuinely thought that my breakdown yesterday may have made him realise that mummy gets sad when he goes in his pants. What do I do? I have actually tried everything. Stickers, sweets, punishing bad behaviour rewarding good behaviour. I feel like the worst mum in the world as its putting a strain in our relationship, what kind of a terrible mum does that make me? Help.... Please?

Sorry I don't have an answer. I don't think I could give anyone potty training advice as I think I was pretty hopeless at it - it was my nemisis.

I didn't want to leave you unanswered though.

You're not a terrible mum, you recognised you were going to explode and you walked away. We have all done it.

Thank you for replying anyway. I really do not know what to do!

I found potty training really tough and it really tested my patience.

Tbh, with ds it all just seemed to come together with time. He wasn't one of those children who was dry in 1 week (if only!), and even now 1 year on he sometimes leaks a bit in his pants because he is too engrossed with what he is doing.

Hopefully someone will come along soon.

I know, it really is tough.... So tough!! How long until it "came together" for you? Hope that the end is somewhere would do me the word of good!!

Poor you. But you are sooooo not a bad mum. You just need to step away from the potty training tension. It's obviously become a horrible ordeal for you and every accident feels like a massive failure. When in fact he's only 3.4 and my daughter was definitely still having poo accidents at that age. My Dniece is 3.4 and has dry days and days like yesterday when she had 5 accidents in one day. The only thing that keeps my sister sane is the knowledge that it could be a lot worse (her ten year old still wets the bed every single solitary night!)

This is all a lot more common than you think. And potty training is utterly awful. Maybe you need to laugh at it - just take the desperation down a bit so you're not feeling so horrible about it.

I get told its more common than you think but I just don't know anybody. I had to hold back the tears when my friends son (6 weeks younger) ran off saying he needed a poo earlier, he has been potty trained since about 20 months! How do I step away? Should I put him in pull ups? Should I just wipe away and smile and say lets try again next time? What do I do...?

I am absolutely no expert here but they say pull-ups make it harder to potty train so maybe not that. I had a rule that I didn't wash poo-ey pants. I just binned them . I went and bought loads and it just made it slightly less awful. The main thing is, don't beat yourself up over this. It's so, so common and anyone who didn't have a nightmare potty training is a) lying or b) very, very lucky!

I haven't even thought about pt-ing my 2.6 yo son. It's too awful to contemplate. I haven't recovered from going through it with my DD.

Is it possible he is constipated? This can cause wee dribbles and also poo "leakage "

His wees he genuinely can't help, he gets regular minor bladder infections. He's had a scan and there is nothing wrong with his kidneys, we are waiting on the follow up appointment. Hes been naked before and shouted he needed a wee and he physically cannot stop a few dribbles coming out, will then only produce a very small amount of wee when he gets to the loo. He does eat plenty of fruit and veg and his stool consistency varies, sometimes quite lose, sometimes very solid but he's regular so I wouldn't say he is constipated. He tends to go everyday, never skips more than 1 day.

I just wanted to say I know it's so so hard and so frustrating. I have been potty training my ds since he was 3, he is now 4.2 and still has the occasional accident although is near to being completely dry.

My advice would be to not show that you are upset or angry. If he has an accident just calmly clean him up or if you want him to be responsible get him to change his pants if they're wet. Don't tut or sigh or look annoyed, just make it a non event. As well as this, plenty of praise (as you are doing) for successes. I have had the breakdowns in front of my ds, I have told him off and taken toys away and sighed and lectured him, so I'm defiantely not judging you... I just wanted to say that this is what has worked best for us, it seemed to take the pressure off ds and he has come on leaps and bounds since. His nursery also started a sticker chart and kept a close eye on him there too so he couldn't get 'lazy' when out of our sight.

You will get there

Mango... Sounds a bit sad but money is tight, I genuinely don't think I could afford to replace them all. I have a 15 month DD, stupidly thinking about potty training her ASAP. I spend all day washing anyway section me now

fair enough becky. it was just my reckless bid for liberation anyway!

I think it's got to be a mental re-set then. Decide that you will go on autopilot on this topic for the next month. Just smile and wipe and carry on. And give yourself a sticker or a glass of wine for every day that you get through.

It's not a solution because I don't think there is one. It's just a way of breaking it down so it doesn't seem so impossible.

Tomorrow is a new day, new calm Becky will try and rear her face tomorrow. But for now:

Glass of wine... Check
Half tub of ice cream devoured... Check
Half a smile... Very nearly check!!

P.s. Sorry Margo didn't mean to call you maNgo... Silly auto correction!!

good luck Becky . It is awful but you won't be having this problem in six months' time it will be some fresh hell you haven't even thought of right now

Aah yes, an emotional breakdown, completely understand!

You are not a bad Mum. Potty training is horrendous! I am also feeling at the end of my tether with a 2.10 yr old son who I have been trying to train since he was 2.2 with ABSOLUTELY ZERO SUCCESS!!!

He has never asked to use the potty, never told me he needs to wee or poo.

He used to sit on the potty willingly enough but I think now with no success he has lost interest. So now is refusing potty [or toilet].

I try to put him in pull ups or underpants and he gets hysterical asking for nappies.

I am so sick of having people smugly tell me their DC were 2 years or under when they trained. And then they say "have you tried stickers, chocolate buttons, praise, letting him run around with no pants... blah, blah" and i try and hold my irritation and thank them for their advice but yes, I have tried all these things with NO SUCCESS!!!

Anyway, sorry, don't want to hijack your thread but just wanted to let you know i feel your pain!

well, you're not a terrible mother but you do need to take a step back from this. He isn't doing it to piss you off and it makes me sad that you distressed him yesterday by crying over this.

Deal with him calmly and non emotionally.

Oh, becky, I'll come and hold your hand - we're going through exactly the same thing with DS at the moment. He's 3.10, he's got wees sussed, and has only had one wee accident in the last 6 months, but he still will not poo in anything but nappy or pull ups.

He's had constipation issues in the past, and a small anal fissure which healed quickly, but he's on a regular small dose of movicol and does now poo at least once a day. He won't do it in the toilet or potty. I can't work out if it's a psychological issue, physical (although the poo doctor examined him and said he was fine) or if he's just being stubborn. We've tried to think of every possible reason for it - does it hurt? Is he scared he might fall down the toilet? Is he worried because I had a miscarriage in the bathroom and was blue-lighted to hospital from there? Is the seat cold? Is he just being lazy?

We've tried bribery, encouragement, star charts, promises of new toys, embarrassment, challenges, making it into a game, reasoning, praise when he (very rarely) tries. He's managed a poo in the toilet twice in his whole life. One was massive, the other took him by surprise and he looked absolutely terrified. Both times he got lots of praise and a sticker or toy.

I really don't know what to do next.

Can I join the Potty Training Sucks club, please?
Were 5 months in, and have good days and bad days. And yes, the bad days reduce me to tears sometimes.
We to have tried the pretty exhaustive list Cuppa has already typed, and it just doesn't seem to make any difference.
He sat on the bathroom floor yesterday being cleaning up, saying "never mind Mummy, try again tomorrow"
FuckU, could you please let me into the secret of dealing with the third pair of poo-y trousers before lunch on less than 4 hours sleep? I'd love to know how to do it, it would be better for both of us, but I just can't manage it.

Heres to clean pants!

Please can I also join in.

Not been trying for as long as you guys (2 months), but after 4 dry days with everything going in the potty, my 2.8 month old has regressed this week to the point where after pooing on the kitchen floor I also had a massive breakdown resulting in son is his room and me sobbing on the sofa!

I have also tried cuppas exhaustive list and it keeps his attention for a little while and then he just gets lazy again!

I just don't know how to get over the complete feeling of failure I get when he has an accident!

Hello,
Hows the washing machine been today?
We've hit crunch time. All his mates have been moved up a room at nursery, and he's been left behind, as he's not trained enough.
So, I've rung the HV. They have passed our details on to the nursery nurse, and hopefully she will be arranging to meet up, and try and sort toilets and sleeping!
Is it worth anyone else trying the same route?

Wow thank you everybody - in the nicest possible way I get comfort from your misery. Its nice to know I'm not alone. We have over the last few days had a little progress but I don't think it's going to last too long. I've been sitting him on the toilet at the same time every day even if he says he doesn't need to go and asking him to just give it a try. The first time he was adamant he didn't need to go but tried and surprised himself although obviously kept some back for the night time pull up, the next day he tried and didn't produce anything and so we put bed time nappy on and made it clear we would not be going swimming saturday if he went in pull up and within seconds he wanted his nappy off to go to the loo, I actually nearly cried with happiness! So advice to everyone else is be calm (easier said than done) I suppose these boys will get it at some point - hopefully! FC anyway.

P.s. I hate potty training
P.p.s I hate mums that think they are super mum because there kids get it instantly even more!!

Hi beckyboow88/ Cuppa- have you had any success since you last posted? I am literally at my wits end potty training my 3yo DD. It's been 10 months now and she poos her pants four or five times a day, EVERY DAY. It is driving me totally insane. I cried today. We have tried everything too: stickers, star charts, m&ms, praise when she sits on the loo, telling her off when she poos her pants, ignoring it, stories while she sits on the loo, putting her on the loo at regular times. Nothing works.

I think she actually is not aware when she has done a poo - they are often quite small and sticky. Not quite constipated, but almost. So my GP prescribed a low dose of Movicol, which we are sticking to, but she still poos her pants.

To make matters worse, we are currently in Greece for few months (which is lovely) but it means we don't have access to our usual GP. We got the Movicol via my sister who flew out to see us.

I just don't know what to do. I suspect I just have to be patient, but how long do we keep trying for before getting tests done to see if there is something really wrong with her or if she has an allergy? Have you cracked it yet, and if so how?

ooooh ladies, you have my sympathies!

All my 3 children are over 5 now and I am very old but I remember how overly focussed we can all get on what are basically maturity-determined skills.

In his fabulous book 'Toddler Taming' Christopher Green (paediatrician and Dad) wisely says that 'most kids have got the hang of it by High School' and that was a perspective that really helped me.

Focus on all the lovely things you do together, y'know, the other 95% of the day - the hugs, the endless slow walks where DC has to poke everything on the pavement with a muddy stick, the snuggles after bathtime, wrapped in a big, warm towel.

What gets lost in the middle of the potty training 'battle' is perspective, because every wet or pooey pants is a 'failure'.

OP I'm glad you've got a paediatrician involved...if they're a community pardiatrician they I suspect 40% of their work is kids with continence problems, so there are millions like you out there.

And I suspect there is not a Mum on Mumsnet who has not had a total meltdown at several some point!

So take heart from an old trooper..they do all get there in the end!