At wits' end with DS' (3.11) refusal to poo anywhere but in a nappy

[TheBronzeHorsewoman]

DS turns 4 at the end of this month. In his entire life, we have only ever managed one poo in the loo (a complete fluke, over 18 months now).

He has been dry - both during the day and at night for over a year. However, he will NOT entertain the notion of pooing anywhere but in a nappy. He has perfect control over his bowel movements - we have never had a single poo-in-pants episode - and will go and fetch a nappy when he feels that he needs to go, and ask me to put it on him. He goes to pre-school from 9 to 3 every day, and interestingly has never once done a poo there - saving them all up for home instead.

I have tried everything. We have read "Poo Goes to Pooland" and "Liam Goes Poo in the Toilet" till I am blue in the face. (Interestingly, he loves both these books and regularly asks for them at bedtime!) My DH and I have (ahem) taken him to the toilet with us on several occasions so that he can see it is a natural process and that there is nothing to worry about. We have bought various toilet training seats - he refuses to sit on them. I have offered to sit with him and hold his hand or read to him while he goes to the loo - he won't have it. I have put a nappy in a potty as a "halfway house" to get him used to the idea of sitting on something to poo rather than pooing standing up - he won't sit on it.

I have tried being understanding, I have tried getting cross with him. Zero effect. A couple of months ago, I told him that the supermarket was no longer selling nappies and that we only had a few left, so when they had run out, we would have to start using the loo. We then did the count down - five nappies left, now four, ooh, this is the last ever nappy, we have to start using the loo from now on. He seemed to buy this when we were doing the count-down, but when it actually came to D-Day when he needed to go and there were no more nappies left, he refused point blank to go to the loo or sit on the potty and do it. He clearly needed to go very badly - he was actually pacing up and down in front of me and starting to sweat - but would NOT sit on the loo. In the end, he ran into my bedroom where I keep the Size 3 nappies for my 8-month-old, grabbed one, held it between his legs and pooed into that. I was .

If I thought there was something really worrying him - e.g., if I thought he was really afraid of sitting on the loo, then I would carry on being understanding for as long as it took. I don't think there is, though. Whenever I try to talk to him about why he won't, he just shouts, "Because I don't want to!" He is a VERY strong-willed little boy, I should say.

Has anyone been through something similar? Please come and share your stories.

I can sympathise - we have the exact same problem with our DS - he's 4yrs 2 months. He goes to nursery 4 days a week, and he has never done a poo in the toilet there.
He always waits until he has a nappy on, and then does a poo.
We know he can do them on a toilet, it's just he chooses not to.
I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now though. At first, I followed some advice I found on mumsnet, and encouraged him to go to the bathroom to poo in his nappy (he would normally close his bedroom door - he always likes to do it in private!).
He eventually started doing the odd poo on the toilet (we've decided to give the potty a miss, as he's 4), and now with the aid of good old bribery, he now does most of his poos on the toilet - we're not there yet but it's gradually improving.
We found a toy he really wants (a transformer) and are doing a sticker chart. I'm just hoping he doesn't go back to doing it in the nappy when he gets his reward - we can't leave nappies off altogether as he is still wet at night.
In the end it was his decision to start doing it in the toilet - with some encouragement and bribery!

My ds was like this. all I can say is that in the end I just backed off and waited. And in the end he started using the loo. I don't think anything wouldnhave changed his mind until he was ready. But once he decided to do without a nappy, he never looked back. With hindsight I wouldn't have worried- I would just have gone with the flow and waited. Not Sure if that helps or not!

I would suggest taking all the nappies away, and then sitting in the bathroom with him with the door locked when it's his normal 'poo time'.

I would also suggest having a bag of chocolate buttons at the ready "For when he's been a big boy".

Strip him from the waist down before you do this, or he'll poo in his pants.

Also, he might prefer to squat on the toilet rather than sit. I cannot persuade Ds2 to sit on the toilet, and he's 5.3! he puts his feet on the seat and hunkers down over the bowl.

Just to give all of you hope,I had one like this ,always wanted a nappy,bribery was hopeless because he never wanted anything enough .Eventually we cracked it at 4.11,combination of wanting a batman suit and going cold turkey.It was as if he had to decide,we had tried bribery before to no avail but this time he just cracked it .

this week we are waiting for AS level results ,he is a fine young man with no obvious long term consequences.Just as a warning though....we have never been able to push him into anything he didn't want to do,this was just the first of many battles

Eleanor, Seeker, this is all really helpful, thank you for your responses. It is good to know that other people have been through the same experience.

Seeker, that is my gut feeling - that it doesn't really matter, that he is going to get it eventually, and that I should just chill out and stop worrying about it. I am just getting a bit fed up with the looks from relatives or friends whenever DS announces that he needs a nappy.

Eleanor, that is great advice about making him do it in the bathroom - I hadn't thought of that. Also it will confine the smell to one room! Another problem of ours is that he doesn't like to "part" with the nappy once he has done it, so we have another battle on our hands trying to get him to lie down and take it off. He runs through the house leaving a stench in his wake and we have to try and catch him. Fun times

Colditz, I think you are onto something with the squatting. The only time I managed to get any sort of explanation from DS as to why he wouldn't poo on the loo, he said that he had to do it standing up. Re. locking myself in the bathroom with him, though, it would be like a death sentence I just don't think it would work. He is so strong-willed that I can see him just withholding for days and days.

Mrswoodentop, your post is so reassuring. I also get the feeling that we are never going to get DS to do anything he doesn't want to. How wonderful to hear that your boy has turned out so well.

thebronzehorsewoman well he is by no means perfect and is very stubborn but generally he's turned out OK I think

I despaired too,all the looks etc.I went one step at a time ,starting with having to stay in the bathroom.When we cracked it though I did go cold turkey and just threw out all the pull ups.It was very hard and after 2days I was ready to cave but then he just did it ,I think he realised the game was up and with the batman suit we finally found something He wanted more than the nappy.

thebronzehorsewoman - it seems we all have strong-willed boys in common!
I have avoided trying to force him, or get cross - I am wary of causing any anxiety around going to the toilet. He did have an episode of constipation a couple of years ago, and I don't want to go through that again!

I am going through exactly the same thing with my very strong willed 3 year old son! He will not do a poo in the potty or toilet. He has wees cracked and is really good at taking himself off to the loo. But poos are a different story. He gets very upset and runs away when he needs to poo. Iv stopped giving him a nappy now, but he just does it in his pants. Iv been very worried for a few weeks, but how I have read this, Im going to back off and hope he decides by himself when to use the loo... Thanks for all the advice everyone, its very settling to hear you are not alone. :)

Been there. I found getting someone else (DH or gran) to take him to the toilet helped take the pressure off. We just encouraged lots of "practising". One day he simply went off and did it on his own and we havne't looked back. I really had to hold myself back from worrying about his delay, but everyone told me not to stress about it and he did eventually crack it.