its all gone horribly wrong

[Rillyrillygoodlooking]

We started to potty train DS in December when he was 3.2. He hadn't shown any signs of wanting to potty train, but he knew what the potty was for.

In that time he has only asked for the potty about 6 times. I take him to the potty a lot and he wets himself a lot.

Today has been awful. He hasn't done one wee on the potty, he has wet himself 4 times, and one of those was when he was standing next to the potty, without any pants on and he just weed on the floor.

He has started not wanting to sit on there, just sitting down and then bounding up again even though he has already dribbled so I know he needs to go.

Today hasn't been good because I have got so cross with him. I am getting to the end of my tether and I think it is making him worse.

Where do I go from here? I seem to have made things worse and made him not want to go on the potty.

I understand how upsetting this must be - but getting cross and telling him off are guaranteed to put DS off using the potty. You have to be so chilled out about training that you are virtually frozen. Praise successes and say nothing more than 'OK get some dry pants and clean up.' You can get him to help you with this. I think that some children become so used to nappies, and the super absorbency of them, that they simply wee without much awareness, so having the accidents can be valuable because they can see what they've done. Perhaps DS has'nt quite identified the sensation of a full bladder, and the need to hold on until he can let go in the appropriate receptacle. I think this is why he doesn't always have enough warning to ask you or get on the pot himself.

The thing is, to find out why you are so cross. Are friends and family interfering and making you feel bad? Are you sick of the mess and extra washing? Do you think that DS is being a pain and having accidents on purpose?

I think you should consider stopping the training for a while. Rebuild your relationship with DS. Ignore all those who make you feel rubbish about him not being trained yet. Get some good carpet cleaning stuff, and plan how you can minimise the damage to your upholstery when you restart training; for example cover your sofa and chairs seats with disposable bed mats and a throw. Or a vinyl shower curtain with a towel and a throw on top for the washable option. One cheap 2mx2m shower curtain can be cut to fit a sofa and two chairs, while cheap fleece blankets or throws are easy to wash when soiled. If there are any pieces of vinyl big enough left over, you can use them on the car seat and buggy with a towel on top.

When you decide to re-start training, you might consider rewards for using the potty. Let him watch already trained children use the potty, rope in Dad or another little boy to teach him how to stand to wee, (which might be a big success) and handy when out, the outdoors wee is popular with little boys!

Is the potty big enough, and does DS find it uncomfortable? Have you tried the toilet with a childs seat? Let him choose new pants? Have you tried a chart, so that he can earn a big treat after a few successful potty uses? Or special toys or books kept only for while on potty or toilet, which might encourage him to sit long enough to complete his wee?

Thank you taking the time to write such a supportive reply.

I am not very happy at the moment for a number of reasons, I have a feeling that DS feels this and so has gone completely backwards with the potty. I had been insisting with it, because of advice that once you start, you mustn't stop.

We had been rewarding him with chocolate buttons, i don't think he would grasp the concept of reward charts - but it might be worth a try. He's not very good at saying yes and no so I don't get much response when I ask him if he wants a wee. He does like his red pants so I might also try and get more of those.

I think maybe I had been putting him on there too much and then he would just wee on the floor anyway. I have been using a potty as it is portable and you can get him to wee on it in the car, as we have been going out and about quite a lot.

Luckily we have an aquavac at home, which hoovers up liquid - this has been a lifesaver.

I have put potty training on hold for a week or so, just to allow myself to calm down more than anything. I am very anxious and tense at the moment.

Hopefully in a week or so we can try again.

Thanks again for your message girlywhirly

two things I noticed in your post

1. because of advice that once you start, you mustn't stop

this is rubbish - no point carrying on when they just don't get it....

1. as we have been going out and about quite a lot

this may be a problem, as it will entail a bit of panic about not wetting in the car/accidents out of the house etc. It will be making you and him more anxious. Is there anyway, when you start training again in a week/month or so, to stay in for a few days?

My experience with DS - we waited until he was 3.3 years and went straight to using the loo (with child training seat). Because he was ready, it only took a day...once they get to this age, there is no real need for a potty, I don't think. We had no rewards/charts/chocolate. We just treated it as something that everyone does...do you take him with you to the loo, to show him how its done?

Good luck - hugs to you, btw. hope you feel better soon anything you want to talk about? might ease the stress if you can share...

You know Rilly, anxiety and tension are real enemies of successful potty training. When it clearly isn't improving the best thing is to take a break for a while. There is no benefit to be had from letting it escalate into a battle of wills.

I agree with Tante, try to stay in for a few days, have the potty in the same room with you and DS, keep pants off, and let him know the potty is there for him to use when he needs to and see whether he will go by himself without you putting him on. This way he has the control, and either he goes or he doesn't, but there is no forcing. You praise (and possibly reward) successes, clean up accidents with a 'poker face' and a mild reminder that the potty is there for next time. Do not let him know that you care about the accidents, or that you feel angry or disappointed. Sometimes it's confusing when DC are out and therefore have pants and thick trousers on, because they can't distinguish between these and nappies, so pantless at home means there is no doubt that there is nothing there to catch an accident.

Thanks for your replies, I am sorry it has taken so long to get back, it was the weekend!

We began training over a month ago and stayed in for 2 weeks just to get DS used to weeing on the potty. Once he knew what it was for we went out, and it was actually easier when we were out than in.
DS has seen us go to the loo, he seemed much more frightened of the loo than the potty. Which is why we went for potty. It is quite small, as most of them are.
DS knows when he is wet, as he either holds it in until he just can't and then says "wet", or he just wees and doesn't care. We had a couple of good days where he asked for the potty and he had his night time nappy on. From then on it when downhill.

He doesn't do much without prompting - eg he wouldn't go and get his shoes if he knew we were going out, he doesn't try and take his clothes off very often. But he does ask for food, and he asks for his hearing aids in if he hasn't got them in and can't hear the TV! So it really comes down to what's in it for him it seems.

I have given us a break and put him back in nappies. I have started my own calm down regime as well.

I have been very unhappy for other reasons and it hasn't helped potty training at all. OH and I aren't getting on, and we moved to another country 9 months ago which we are slightly regretting and finding difficult to settle. Despite this, it was OH who suggested we give potty training a break to give me the chance to calm down.

Thanks for your supportive messages.

You need to take a break, then start over. I highly recommend the book 'Toilet Training in Less Than a Week' by Fox and Azrin for the second attempt. Get it and read it and try to follow it as best you can. It will give you a feeling of having control over what's going on, knowing what you're doing and that you're not going to be doing it forever helps greatly -- and the method is very effective, even if it takes more than a week.

You have to go through the preparation exercises and then the method, no skipping to the potty. The philosophy is that the child himself takes over the toileting process, including changing out of wet pants, mopping up wet patches on the floor with paper towels, etc., right from the start, encouraged by the smiling and ever-positive parents. This can be difficult if you're a 'rush in and take over/ save the carpets' kind of person. Ultimately, the aim of potty training is to have the child take responsibility for the whole business himself so it does make sense to start as you intend to go on.

You'll have to resign yourself to doing very little going out and about for about two weeks for the intensive training period and then only short excursions for the next few weeks after that, so you won't get too anxious about toilets and so that the child can experience toilet success in the familiar environment for a bit before trying an unfamiliar toilet.

I found the method very effective for toilet training and also in dealing with other things the DCs needed to learn to do themselves -- the 'step back, encourage consistently and with a smile, and let them get on with it' approach is very useful.

As he's a boy, you could get a step stool to place in front of the toilet for peeing, and put bits of colourful breakfast cereal in the bowl for 'target practice'. I bypassed the potty completely with the DCs as it seemed an unnecessary extra thing that would just have to be ditched in favour of the toilet eventually. DS liked aiming at floating breakfast cereal (and expressed a wish to be a fireman one day at this stage

There's some great advice here! Rilly you are not alone! My son will pee in the potty but not poo. He poos in dribs and drabs all day in his pants which is driving me mad. I'm so sick of all the mess! He's quite big for his age and I'm starting to wonder if the potty is too small to be comfortable to do one in so might get a new loo seat as the one we have wobbles all over the place!

The smell of poo is getting up my nose so much that I'm convinced the house smells of it and clean laundry is actually still dirty. Grrrrr!

Good luck!

Thanks mamdadude for your support as well.

DS is so glad to be back in nappies, we'll see how it goes next week.

Unfortunately I am not going to be able to stay in much as he goes to preschool four mornings a week. They are very good there though.

Yuk to the smell of poo. Once DD has pooed that's practically all I can smell for the next hour or so!

I hope your DS gets the hang of it properly soon.