Abandoned potty training and now problems with nappies

[nothavinggreattime]

Almost two weeks ago I started potty training my 2.5 yr old boy. He has full control and is used to telling us when to put a nappy on so that he can do a wee or poo. I thought he was ready but I really don't think that I gave him enough notice and now he is really freaked out.

After two days I abandoned the process as he was holding in both wees and poos, not using the potty or toilet, and was getting really really upset and distressed. So on day 3 I gave him the choice of going back to a nappy and he chose the nappy.

A week and a half on in nappies and he is still holding on wees and poos until he is very uncomfortable. He wants me to hold him constantly and cries when he needs to go. When he needs to go he asks me to take the nappy off. At first I complied but he would immediately just ask for another one.

For the first time in about two years I called the HV who suggested we completely ignore the issue as giving it attention would only prolong it. We have now been ignoring it (as much as possible) for 5 days and it is still going on.

Sorry for the long post but we are getting really upset about this (I also feel guilty for rushing things and causing this situation) so any advice would really be appreciated!

Thanks.

Hi, just wanted to say that I don't think you 'rushed thing' nor did you 'cause this situation'. So please be kind with yourself :) It sounds as if you've handled the whole thing so far completely normally.

I think it's one of those things where there must be something going on in your DS's mind around toilet where something scares him. So yes I would ignore the actual potty training for now, but I would also just try to talk to him about what's scaring him (as much as he can say), reassure him, lots of cuddles etc. And I think gradually he'll be able to decide to go in pants himself once he feels a bit safer from whatever it is that's scaring him.

I would second Maria and also add that it is important that you break the habit of holding in poo before he suffers constipation as a result - lactulose should soften the poos enough so that he cannot hold it back, even if he tries.

I would put him back in nappies and tell him it's only until he wants to try to do his poos and pees in the potty, then he can try without the nappies. (In this I'm not saying it is your fault, it's only to take any pressure off him)

The "holding back" part of your post worries me as my DS does this (and has for a long time), and it causes him a lot of discomfort and distress when he does poo (about once every 3 days). I would not wish this on any child, so if he holds on for more than a day, take him to the GP for lactulose. You can get it without prescription but it's about £6 (for a 500 ml bottle) so much better if you can get it from the doctor's.

Good luck with this, I really hope it sorts itself out soon x

Just to second the others posters really, I'd try and keep calm and ride this out and come back to potty training in a few months.
My DD wasn't ready when we first tried it with her and she got terribly upset so we went back to nappies, but had some similar issues to you - being a bit confused etc.
I left it another 6 months and then gradually introduced the potty - the cold turkey method did not work for DD - and she got used to the idea, but there were 2 incidents that pushed her into being free of nappies.
With weeing, she was happy to be without her nappy, but wanted it putting on before a wee, she would then wee in the nappy! One day I was running her bath, she had nappy off and obviously needed a wee. I carried on running a bath and said, oh, just a minute while I do this, why don't you use the potty? Poor thing, I looked round and she was literally holding herself and hopping about but she could hold it no longer and dashed to the potty - after that day she was dry. Number 2's took a few more months, when she kept saving it til bedtime and would do it in the nappy, but eventually a time came during daytime when she really really had to go and I refused to put a nappy on her - from that day she was clean. It was a battle though, but one we had to take very gently and she got easily distressed.
Good luck - you will get there eventually.

Thank you very much Maria, TheNoodlesIncident and Beamur. I really appreciate all of your posts and support. I know I shouldn't feel guilty as it's not helpful to anyone but in retrospect I really don't think I gave my son enough warning and preparation that the potty training was going to happen. To be honest I just launched into it as I honestly thought he was ready.

This morning there was more jumping about and distress as he needed to do a wee. We are keeping the nappies on all of the time and even when he tells me to take it off I tell him it doesn't need changing just yet. If I don't say that and take it off for him he just asks for another 'clean' one on immediately.

It has now been 12 days since the nappies went back on so it's a bit upsetting that this is still going on although maybe in the scheme of things it's not a ridiculous timescale .

It is happening with both wees and poos but at this stage he is not constipated. He goes eventually every day. But I think I will take up your suggestions for the lactulose as if he can get past it with poos (i.e. the choice is taken away and he just has to go) it might help psychologically with the wees too.

Beamur thanks for your ideas for introducing the potty in a few months time more slowly. My son is clearly not a good candidate for cold turkey either.

Thanks all!

Forgot to ask Beamer, you mentioned in your post that when you went back to nappies with your DD you had some similar issues i.e. being confused. Did the issues clear up by themselves after a few days/a week or did you do something to help her get past the confusion?

I think honestly that you followed the 'signals' you were getting from your DS, so really no need to feel guilty at all :) Although we parents cannot avoid guilt, unfortunately, even for reasons that are not logical.

I think the main thing is that your DS wants the nappies which for the moment I would respect if I were you, gently re-introducing him to the idea of potty/toilet. I wouldn't necessarily wait months, I'd just follow his signals. At some point he does need to learn, so if it's not going well with the nappies & he's not interested in potty / toilet, maybe after a while you can introduce (much as I dislike them normally) a rewards system, eg stickers or whatever he might like, to get him to use the potty/toilet.

Who am I though to be giving advice, we're at the very beginning of our own potty potty training adventure with DS who is 2.5 (like your boy) and for us too it's a disaster so far! Only difference being, he doesn't want nappies & wants to keep wearing pants, despite the accidents, so we're following his lead in that & bracing ourselves for more accidents :(

It's not so much the advice Maria, it's the support you are giving. Well both really so thank you . Good luck with your potty training adventure. It's a good sign that your DS is happy to go with the pants and without the nappies. From speaking to friends, and even looking at other posts on potty trainging, it seems accidents are well and truly par for the course....maybe for months to come (hopefully not in your case). So hopefully you are on the right track and you will be a fully fledged nappy free parent in no time!

Good luck!

My DD was showing all the right physical signs, but she wasn't ready to make the transition to nappies.

With mine, I think once the pressure was off, she was quite happy to resume toileting in the nappy, but she got very hung up on where she had had 'accidents' and got a bit confused about how this had happened. I just reassured her that everything was ok, but after a little while I re-introduced the idea of the potty - but without taking away the nappy and asked her, maybe once a day but not more if she wanted to use it and encouraged her to sit on it, even if it was with all her clothes on, just to make it seem normal and not scary I suppose.
Potty training was quite protracted for us, but I think it was the best way for her.
Once she 'clicked' with weeing, she only had maybe one or two accidents, but it took a while longer for her to get used to the idea of a poo anywhere other than the potty. There was lots of holding on and constipation! The nursery she was attending were very supportive and carried on my lead of asking and encouraging but in a gentle way - they said that it was quite common for tots to take a bit longer to get the hang of potty training for poos and many of their charges did exactly the same as DD - hung on til hometime/bedtime when the night nappy went back on.
Just be gentle and persevere at the rate that seems right for your DS.

Thanks Beamur, all good to know. I think potty training in the near future will be quite protracted for us too which I don't mind at all as long as I can limit the distress. Our problem is still going on (happened in the middle of the night last night too for the first time) but ultimately I think DS is slowly calming down. When he is over this patch I will leave it a while and then will very slowly reintroduce the idea as you did.