Success at home, not at nursery though..

[Mum1234]

Been potty training for a few months. Wee's sorted within a week or so with just the odd accident. Poos are fine when at home, he will come and tell me when he needs one. But at the couple of days a week he is at nursery he just poos in his pants. Not sure what to do because he is fine at home, Nursery are OK about it but obviously it is a bit awkward and I don't feel I can tell him off when I collect him as it is 'after the fact'. I've tried to explain that he needs to do the same at nursery as he does at home but it doesn't seem to be working. I'm even now thinking nursery don't believe he actually poos on the toilet at home! Tried sticker chart and general bribery tactics but no change. In fact when I go to collect him he just says 'Mummy I pood my pants today' as if it was just another of the activities that he did during the day. Any advice?

Sorry, I have no advice. We have been trying for a few days and I though we had some success yesterday with two wees in the potty and only one accident. Nursery today and three accidents an no wees in the potty at all. They had put him in pull-ups as he had no dry clothes left. The room leader was trying to tell me what happened but I couldn't really follow what she was saying as there was lots of noise in the room. Am thoroughly disheartened and contemplating giving up and trying again in a few weeks.

Don't give up yet. As you have worked out your way to get him to wee on the potty at home, they need to get their way to do it at nursery. It is a completely different environment and so different tactics I guess. We had a quite few accidents at first at nursery, but I just sent more changes of trousers for a couple of weeks and then slowly it has decreased. Although the poo thing still means I am sending two sets! Gosh I'm giving advice which is probably the answer to my own problem!

We've been suffering with the same thing for many months now, with both poo and wee. He's mostly fine with us but will have constant accidents at nursery. Bet nursery doesn't believe me when I tell them he never has a poo accident with us. He regressed so badly at one point recently we put him back in nappies for a couple of days as he was starting to get infection from poo/wee in his pants. We've always thought that it's our fault that he is nowhere near being potty trained, until recently, we've reduced his nursery days and suddenly he's greatly improved. That was the point when I thought, aha, no wonder all my stay-at-home mum friends and those whose children only go part-time to nursery manage to potty train in a couple of weeks rather than years!

We've learnt to accept it now that he will continue to have accidents at nursery as there is so much going on and quite often nursery nurses just do not have time to take him to the toilet. It's a nuisance and does annoy me, but not much we can do because everytime I try to give them a solution, the situation just gets worse so I just let them do it their way now.

It would be wonderful if someone could give some advise here on what could actually be done as it's a struggle for us too. :)

Just to add, on top of the issue that nursery nurses do not have time to take DS to toilet when he DOES need to go, they always seem to be taking him when he doesn't need to go, on some days every 15-30 minutes I've been told, (thereby reducing his bladder control and capacity). They normally seem very proud that they're taking him every 15 minutes, and then tell me they don't understand why he still has accidents despite all that.

Whenever they tell me that, I try my best to show them my horrified face and tell them that with us he only goes every 2 hours. Fine, he may drink more at nursery because he's more thirsty but surely he doesn't need to go every 15 minutes! Just can't win.

Thanks for the advice on taking him so regularly, I'd never thought that it actually might be reducing bladder control..

As a quick update and something that might be worth thinking about. I went in to nursery for a chat with them about it today. We talked about the fact that it could perhaps be more of a confidence issue, and DS might just not feel comfortable asking any of the girls to go to the toilet. Also that the toilet isn't as accessible as it is at home (they need to be accompanied to go and so he can't go without having to ask someone).

They have proposed that firstly the girls stop taking him all the time to the toilet and try to stop constantly asking him! Thus making it not such the 'big issue' that it has become and doesn't dominate every conversation with him. DS only goes about every 2 hours at home too and so we agreed there is no need for taking him so regularly. Also they are going to allocate just one of them just to maybe mention to it to him every so often in passing, but really wait for him to lead. So might mean a few more accidents for a bit as he builds up confidence but the nursery manager says that this won't be a problem and very kindly said 'this is what we are paid to do and we will follow through with whatever you would like'. Whether this actually filters down to the girls downstairs who actually do the cleaning up remains to be seen... Anyway, it's an agreed solution for the time being so see how it goes. Not sure if you have already done this, but I would really recommend making an appointment with the nursery manager and getting a plan of action because the whole situation is upsetting for you (anonMum2) and especially DS who can't find it very nice being uncomfortable with wet pants and also with the constant talk of it when all his friends just enjoying themsleves without the additonal hassle.

Anyway, if anyone else has any other advice it would also be very welcome. :)

I have wondered about going in and speaking to the nursery manager. But for some reason I've got this worry that the staff might feel a annoyed as it would be a sort of complaint, and the situation might get worse. We have asked the nursery nurses plenty of times to stop asking him, to stop making him go so often, but then the accidents just gets worse. Then it feels to me like they're saying 'see, we told you so' (they don't, but it just feels like that to me ). Just like you, we have also asked about allocating a member of staff who is available at the time to perhaps pay more attention to his potty training, and letting DS know it is. However, that's always met with a frown and the general response is 'he can ask ANY of us if he needs the toilet', or 'we're all available to help him with potty training' etc.

Basically, every time I try to do something about it, or say something, it gets worse. So, I just bite my tongue now. After all, DS is still enjoying nursery and is not bothered by it at all, maybe a little when he had a bad infection few weeks ago but even then he's a happy chappy.

Mum1234 how's it going now? Has it helped? Improved? Very interested as perhaps that's the way we should be heading, i.e. speaking to nursery manager. Thanks.

Things seem to be going suprisingly OK. They have stopped asking him and taking him to the toilet all the time and I was expecting loads of accidents, but apparantly he has asked for wees and so they have taken him when he wants to go. Still not managed to poo on the toilet so no change on this front, but seems that at least he is feeling a bit more confident to approach them if nothing else. I guess it's not going to happen overnight though so see how we get on.

I felt exactly the same about going in, didn't want him to be singled out etc but I decided that it had been going on long enough and they probably were already a bit annoyed by what was happening so might as well tackle it head on. Also I re-inforced that he was doing OK at home, so the problem just seemed to be at nursery hence it was their issue to solve, but of course 'I really wanted to help them' - I said it all very nicely so not to sound like a complaint though!

I would really recommend going to see them. You've got nothing to lose and ultimately (and certainly not meaning to sound snooty) you are paying them to care for DS. And although there are bound to be differences at nursery, every child is unique and they should be willing to adapt to what you want and what is best for him. Of course as parents we need to be a patient and accept some accidents will happen at nursery,so I guess your call on whether it warrants more action. Good luck - and interested to know how you get on or if you get any other tips! :)

How are you getting on anonMum2?