nearly 6 and still not there!!!!

[yeomum]

My first son will turn 6 in 2 months and he is still not reliably dry or even clean during the day. He started potty training at 22 months (his idea, not ours) and never went back into nappies. Together with health visitors, his nursery workers and now paediatricians' help we have tried every strategy you can think of.

Over the past 4 years we have had good times and terrible times with this. We have had him scanned for physical abnormalities (none) and followed medical advice to get him to drink more fluids, follow rewards/sticker charts, you name it we've tried it.

At 5 years old there is still no internal motivation - he doesn't see the need to be dry/clean, isn't bothered about being wet/dirty and considers going to the toilet to be a waste of time when he could be doing better things like playing games!

Reward charts don't work because unless the reward is "worth it" in his opinion, he doesn't bother. "Worth it" is too expensive for us these days!

Any ideas??!! Anyone with the same problem??!

Well, if it is just laziness, you could start to get tough and tell him he is no longer a baby, and has to use the toilet like everyone else. Tell him that the other children will say he smells. Yes, it's a pain to have to break off what you're doing, but his toys/dvd/drawings will still be there when he gets back. You can also say that people won't want him to come to their homes because of the mess he makes, and so it isn't socially acceptable to others as well as you, they will be annoyed at having to clean up.

Instead of bribes and rewards you could actually institute some 'punishments' for deliberately not going to the loo, such as removal of t.v. dvd or computer time, or whatever is his favourite thing. He will have to clean up after his own accidents and wash his pants himself (which will become boring and keep him away from his game even longer that just going to the loo in the first place!) In addition, you could set up a routine for toilet visits, after meals and snacks are good times, before he gets engrossed in something. Before you go out, he must go to the loo, because you won't leave the house until he does.

I think that once he realises you mean business and you will not put up with it anymore, you should see some improvement.

Thanks for the suggestions. Recently, in my frustration and exasperation I have already said a lot of the comments you mention. I feel so guilty when I reflect on them and worry that I'm doing more harm (psychological) than good. But it's good to hear from another parent that this is a reasonable response to the situation.

In any case, so far it hasn't resulted in any improvement. Perhaps it really is time to go back to the sanctions/punishment approach again....just don't let the health professionals know! (they only want us to use positive reinforcement/praise for good behaviour and not to comment on the bad - not easy for me to do!!)

If DS couldn't be bothered to go to the toilet, I would simply remove whatever it was he was playing with that he considered more important. So if he was playing on his DSLite it would be taken away and not returned until he could prove to me that he was capable of going when he needed to.

Star Wars pants helped a lot as well.

Yeomum, I don't think there is any harm in voicing your disappointment and annoyance, as there are no medical or psychological reasons why he won't use the toilet. Doesn't it affect his social life in that friends mums are dreading him soaking their sofas and carpets when he comes to play? Aren't you sick of scraping poo off his pants? You could say that actually he is being disobedient, so if lots of positive/bribes aren't working, you have to explore the consequences for not doing as he's told. You need to discuss with him in advance what he will lose if he continues, TV/DVD off, toy or game he's playing with removed, no computer time etc. As soon as you find he is wet/soiled. I do think a toilet routine would help to minimise the number of accidents he has.

If, however he does actually go to the loo when asked/ do something in it/ keep his pants clean and dry, you can be as positive as you like!

There was a very good article written by Tanya Byron about two boys aged 4 and 6 and day wetting. Try and Google for it or search on here as it has been linked to.

tanya Byron piece