Hi, I am a first time poster on Mumsnet, I am 35 with a 17 month old daughter. Ever since the third trimester , I've suffered with terrible health anxiety which when the baby was born just escalated into full blown postnatal anxiety/depression.
I'd told the GP twice, how I was feeling, once being at my postnatal check but was offered little support. That was last January so I'd spent most of last year hoping I would just start to feel better on my own but never did. At the end of last year I sought help from a counsellor, luckily I have good benefits through work with access to this support. It was very hard for me to do, even though she's heard all sorts, I just thought she would look at me like I was nuts.
The counselling does help and I have good family and partner support but I just feel constantly exhausted and trapped in my own mind. Everyday I feel like there is something wrong with me and something's going to happen. The fact I can't control it terrifies me. Whilst my family are aware, I don't think they realise how much it's all still affecting me. It's been almost 2 years of feeling this way, honestly death and dying and other things negative creep into my mind on a daily basis. I am very happy with my life right now, that's what makes it worse, how I can be elated on the one hand but then constantly followed by a dark rain cloud of negativity. In January this year, I thought I was turning a corner with a new year fresh start, making simple changes to feel like myself again, then my dad was diagnosed with cancer so it hit me like a ton of bricks. He will be fine, he's since had the cancer removed but I felt like I had another huge setback again I'm struggling to pull myself back from.
I know alot of mums feel this way but I just don't feel like myself physically or mentally since having a baby. I've never been high maintenance but I take even less care of myself now than before and it breaks my heart that I am bringing my little girl up feeling like this. I do go out and see friends, I've gone back to work part time so I have a nice work life balance and make more time for myself now but it just doesn't seem to help much really. I feel like I'm always going to be this way now as there's not much else I feel I can do.
Even as I type this in the early hours of the morning, it's not unusual for me to be up most of the night everyday with a mind that won't switch off. I also started to feel ill yesterday afternoon , like I was coming down with something so I'm not feeling great and of course then I panic about my health. I genuinely think I make myself ill with the stress and anxiety as my immune system has been terrible lately and I never even used to get so much as a cold.
Anyway, if you got to the end of that apologies for the essay 😂 I guess I'm just looking for people who understand me.