What is wrong with me?

[CMRS]

I had a baby 10 months ago. She was planned for and is the most lovely little girl and everything we ever wished for, and yet I have never felt so utterly miserable in my life.

I had a long traumatic delivery which resulted in forceps and a third degree tear. I couldn’t sit down or barely walk for 3 months, I am still suffering with pain (trying to get a diagnosis, possibly nerve damage) and feeling of heaviness like my insides will fall out (apparently no significant prolapse).

I think I am struggling to accept what childbirth did to me and the fact that I am not the mum I thought I would be. I didn’t breastfeed because I was in so much pain, I didn’t wear my baby on a sling because my pelvic floor didn’t allow, I sleep trained her and I hate being on maternity leave. I am utterly bored and I miss my life and I miss being healthy.

I do love her and in a calm rational moment I cannot imagine my life without her, but today I reached a breaking point - she woke up at 3.45am because she is teething and uncomfortable, she was so tired this morning she fell asleep drinking her bottle yet she bolted upright as soon as she got put in her cot and screamed her head off and threw up all her milk, and instead of trying to comfort I snapped at her and shouted and told her to shut the hell up whilst I cleaned all the vomit. Then I bounced her to sleep on my lap and bawled my eyes out because my life is exactly what I wanted yet I mostly don’t enjoy this and I feel like she deserves so much better than this.

My husband helps as much as he can and is understanding but I feel like even he will get fed up and leave me. My parents live far away and them coming over just causes me more stress.

What’s actually wrong with me? My mum had PPD diagnosed two years after having me, do you think I have that? I’m not sure, I do feel happy sometimes, I can still smile and enjoy time with my family, but I just really don’t enjoy doing this day in and day out on my own and it’s making me loose my mind and turning me into a shit mother.

if you read all of that thank you, I just needed to rant, and if you have any advice please tell me. I’m just at a loss today. I feel like I have nothing else to give, my glass is empty.

honestlyI think all women should have a therapist after a baby. Just to have someone to talk to.

It will get better and a lot easier.

Your baby will also get way more rewarding- i hated baby phase but loved toddler phase.
Going back to work gave me more "balance" in many ways.

You definitely should continue to push on medical front to get your physical issues resolved.

the therapist might also help you unpack some of the stuff around birth and also just be kind to yourself.

I didn't BF (well I tried with first and it was a living nightmare so dodnt even attempt it with 2nd) or use slings and think I'm a great mum.

This stage feels permanent but its sruch a small stage - promise!
By end of summer things will look very different

You sound like you're really struggling 😔 I think it's worth a GP trip about PND - shouting at a crying baby who's just been sick is not a typical reaction for someone who is just "in the thick of it". It may be they can prescribe some antidepressants or get the ball rolling for therapy.

Sounds like pnd. See a gp and get back to work if you miss it.

I think the realities of motherhood versus how you think it would be are very different. I found lots of maternity leave incredibly tedious with my first, especially in the winter months.

Dont underestimate the trauma you’ve been through and the physical impacts you’re still experiencing.

Try planning some trips out- nothing major but things like children’s farm or somewhere your little one can see some animals would be nice, getting out in the fresh air, spotting the flowers, dogs etc

sending hugs and solidarity ❤️

I stopped bf at three months because I wanted more sleep. I never wore a sling, never contact napped, and they never ever came into our bed. I also hated mat leave, we had no help, I lasted four and five months and went back to work pt even though I didn’t need to work at all. The physical and psychological relief of handing over the responsibility on a regular basis absolutely saved me.
Theyre now 23 and 21, high achieving independent young adults. We’re all bonded just fine, no regrets.

Thank you all, I really appreciate your replies. I had a very tough time that week and was at a very low point. I almost did fill in the form for the gp but felt better after husband had some days off and I did a keep in touch day at work and had a break. I think this sahm life is just not for me, but your advice and sympathy was very helpful and it’s reassuring to know you can not be a particularly type of mum but still raise good humans.

@RudolphTheReindeer just had to mention, next time you comment on a post like this, remember to show some sympathy. As if the thought of going back to work hadn’t occurred me, what a groundbreaking idea... I am going to back to work next month when the nursery is available.