Feeling desperate even with help —PND

[Dinosaurhearmeroar]

Hi everyone,

im a mum to a 3.9 year old and a 3 week old. 3 week old is doing well so far - sleep isn’t great but it’s not awful and I split the nights with my partner. He has now gone back to work and it’s just me and baby (eldest is full
time nursery as I can’t cope with both yet).

I cannot stop crying. I had the worst pregnancy and developed depression during it as I suffered with hyper emesis and then awful leg pain which meant I had to use crutches. I was in agony for a lot of the time and got an earlier c section because of the severe pain. I was signed off work for months due to this. I love my job - I’m a teacher and now I’m on maternity leave I feel rudderless.

i don’t feel very close to baby - no huge feelings of love yet and struggling to be a good mum to eldest. I am also hating mat leave - I’ve been off for so long my mental health is really poor and now with a baby it’s become worse.

the silence of the house, the morning tv, the grey days of Feb all affect me hugely - I tried to nap yesterday but was so overcome with physical anxiety (shaking, sweating, prickly neck) that I stopped to have a panic attack.

I feel like a failure. “Why do other women enjoy ML and I don’t ? What’s wrong with me? How can other women look after their eldest and a baby at the same time and I can’t?”

i feel like I cannot get through these early months - I don’t have the strength. I have a peri natal team around me and have therapy lined up. I’m also on ADs and have increased the dose and not feeling any benefit yet.

I also love my eldest but am just so burnt out at the wkend - the thought of an empty weekend fills me with dread. I do not get much joy from being a mother and beat myself up for this. The second baby was really wanted and I was genuinely excited thinking it might be different but the PND has hit me like a sledge hammer.

I don’t know what I want from
this post - I just am wishing their childhoods away to when I will find it easier. I don’t love small kids but I love junior school and secondary school age. Sometimes those ages feel so far away that I think I’ll never get there. I would never leave but I feel utterly shit. Desperate, lonely, wishing wishing to be a different person who did just take to motherhood easily.

I don’t know what to do except wait it out but I’m not sure I can.

Beyond you partner going back to work, you don’t mention him once. Is he aware of how low you are feeling?

Yes sorry - he is totally aware and is trying his best. He tells me to be positive and try not to dwell on how hard things are (which he does well) but I just can’t do it. He has excellent mental health.

Just words.

You need practical and professional support.

book a GP app. Be open and honest. They will not judge. They will help.

Please speak to your gp. It will get better, i promise and you will be ok but you need support. It's really not surprising you feel bad after such a difficult pregnancy. Many of us have been there

Hi OP i really feel for you as I've been exactly where you are. The first thing to do is not compare yourself to how you "should" be feeling- i would do this too, relentlessly criticise myself for hating it and for not feeling able to look after baby and my eldest, like other mums. But this is so unhelpful as you can't help hating this stage so please be kind to yourself! You're in the absolute worst of it now. Empty days were a huge depression trigger for me too. In 3 weeks time you'll be able to start baby groups and that will help structure the day a bit. Did you make mum friends when you had your eldest? Making plans with other adults as much as possible really helped me. But I didn't feel properly better until I went back to work despite therapy and ADs. So, again, please don't judge yourself for this as so many women feel the same. I think it's worse in a way to be the one who adores mat leave and doesn't want it to end, because it will end!

Sorry you’re having a tough time OP, your baby has only been here 3 weeks so it’s completely normal to not feel any firework feelings right now, please try and take that pressure off yourself

you also had major surgery 3 weeks ago, I hope you’re recovering well but again don’t underestimate the affect that will have on you mentally and physically right now

you sound overall like you’re being quite hard on yourself. You’re not loving motherhood right now, that’s absolutely ok to feel that way and there are many more ages and phases to come that you’ll enjoy a lot more. Remove any guilt you have for not being this grinning beacon of motherhood while you are in the trenches

ML-personally I didn’t enjoy it, felt like I was floating around like a turd in a swimming pool. I didn’t feel valued, fulfilled, I found it fucking boring and went back (very part time) when baby was 3 months old. It’s a really hard time for many mums

this isn’t the rest of your life OP, this is just the current phase. Do what you can to get a little bit of joy from each day (I personally ate a lot of cake) just any small thing that makes you feel ok

You're still in the depths of the hormone changes OP, please be kind to yourself. ❤️ How you feeling now is not reflective of how your entire motherhood experience will be.

Like everyone up thread has said, be honest with your support team about how you're feeling.

And get a full night's sleep this weekend if baby takes bottles. Splitting nights is fabulous but you're still physically and emotionally recovering from pregnancy and birth. If your partner had a major surgery or comparable event, would you be expecting them to do half the night? Sleep is healing for body and mind.

This sounds horrible for you. However, you're also not miles away from how many parents feel - just perhaps without the extra depression. It is hard looking after 2 children. I'm sticking with 1, because I don't think I could do it. How amazing are you for going for 2, and doing it despite depressions which, you know, is an illness you can't help.

I'm delighted that you love your job. It's great you've got something exciting to look forward to when maternity leave ends. There's a lot of good about the live you write about, even if it's hard to see it amid the fog. (Amd I'm not trying to make you feel more guilty writing that!!)

In the short term, you are sleep deprived which is crap for mental health. Your hormones are all over the place. You need practical help.
It's good that you've got some medical help lined up, but it sounds like you've got a crying need for friends and family to pop in?

Is there anyone you can be honest about and ask to check in, drink tea, share gossip? Colleagues from your school? Family members who could stay for a bit? People you can be vulnerable with?

It's hard hard hard to dig yourself out of depression. It happens 1 day and 1 small action at a time.

Thank you all for replying.

I am incredibly hard on myself you’re right. Fortunately today I am seeing my therapist (she is £130 so I can’t see her often) and the midwife is coming round. I will tell them both that I’m feeling suicidal and unable to cope.

I just feel hopeless and like I cannot wait until they’re older. I know I have to but it almost physically hurts to think I have to get through this bit. Even when we have good family days I still am clock watching. I have ADHD which isn’t medicated yet - perhaps that is something contributing to this too. I am only recently diagnosed (post partum brought it out) and it is probably not helping with the long days and isolation.

You should be proud of yourself for asking for help. ❤️

The early stages are hard, and everything feels overwhelming. IMO being more excited about the future doesn't mean you don't love who your children are right now - just that you rightly acknowledge post partum is hard and you'll feel better when you get through it.

I personally love parenthood from 1 year on. I'd love a big family - but not a chance do I want to be pregnant or postpartum again.

That's good op, get it all out in the open. You don't have to carry it alone. It feels dark now but babies grow and you do get better at managing things. You've never had to cope with 2 kids before but you will. The thing I kept telling myself when I had my second was "It's just a phase" and it's true.

Spring is coming, the evenings are getting a bit brighter and hopefully the weather will buck up so you can get outside a bit. It will be okay

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I experienced the very same after the birth of my daughter 16mths ago. Everything was black and suicide seemed the only way out. I spoke to the MW who referred me to the perinatal mental health team. Ultimately I ended up on a mother and baby unit with my daughter for 2mths, which was initially daunting but ultimately the best thing that could have ever happened for us. I got better with medication changes, time, compassion from the staff on the MBU and camaraderie with the other lovely women on the unit. I've been well for a year now. It is possible. It is usual to get better but you must get help now. Sending love and hope x

Definitely reach out to your midwife and health visitor. Hopefully there are some support groups nearby, anything to get you out and meeting others.

How is your support network other wise? Friends, family etc?

Be kind to yourself. These are such hard moments but I promise you it gets better!!

What can you do today to bring yourself some joy or kindness? Just pick one little thing: a walk to buy a chocolate bar, painting your nails, ordering a nice takeaway dinner etc...?

With hindsight I had utterly horrendous PND and anxiety: I absolutely kicked myself for suffering silently and there's so much I'd do differently.

Keep talking. And remember your hormones are all over the place so you're not expected to be on top form right now!!

Thank you for your honesty. I do wonder if a mother and baby unit is the option for me- it really scares me to think I might need it as not. All post natal depression requires it.

I do feel like this is quite extreme - I had PND with my first but it was six months in. If I’m honest it never truly left.

i will see what the midwife says. I’m rly glad to hear you’re doing better ❤️.

You may be able to avoid MBU but, having put it off as long as I could myself, I would say that it wasn't anywhere near as terrifying as I'd made it out to be in my mind. Obviously I don't know where you live but the one in my area was very small, homely and it was a relief to be there with other women (patients) who understood and staff that had seen it all before and could reassure that I'd get through it as many women before me did (they were right of course though I did not believe that at the time)

I’m so sorry you’re struggling OP. Please do be completely honest with the midwife and therapist, and everybody who can possibly help you.

I’m currently on my second maternity leave my children are 22 months and 3 months and while I have not suffered with PND I am someone who struggles with doing nothing and being in the house all day so I structure my weeks a bit like a work week in my own little schedule e.g. Monday toddler class, cafe lunch, afternoon walk, Tuesday wander round local museum with kids area for toddler, craft afternoon etc. It makes the days feel a lot less “endless” to have a routine rather than waking up every day with nothing to do I find personally so maybe once you get through the immediate crisis this is something that would be helpful down the line?

Do you have anyone at all who could support you practically in the short term until you can receive the help you need? Family or friends?

Yes it’s routine that helps - when baby is older I will be doing baby classes. I do have a mums network but I’m not quite in the zone to meet them for coffee and cake yet as my emotions are very much just beneath the surface so I don’t think I could put on a brave face around all these first time mums who are all excited and love talking about the logistics of feeding etc. I feel too fragile for that but once I’m stronger I will meet them

my adhd brain needs stimulation so maternity leave is like anathema to me. Baby is so sweet but I do want the older bit. I am about to have a nap with her as I am so tired and find sleeping with her relaxing.

going to my mum’s later and health visitor is coming round. I am also going for a walk with my friend tomorrow. Just wish this weather would improve - it genuinely reflects my mood!

I’m going to make sure I go for a little walk today do a coffee and cake. Better than staying in all day. My therapist said to just focus on the now and has given me some coping mechanisms. I get very carried away with anxiety as my squirrel brain just operates a 100mph.

I am not adhd meds yet but do think if i start them things might improve.

I think fresh air and cake sounds wonderful!

This time next year this will be a distant memory. It's funny, it's only when I see threads like this that I remember how post partum absolutely steals the breath from you. Take it minute by minute until hormones settle, and eventually you'll be out the other side. ❤️

Every single day is a day closer to you feeling better. Baby getting a bit older, the nicer weather returning…it’s all coming, you just need to hang on for a little bit longer x

I hated the newborn stage with both of mine. I was also quite unwell, and found no pleasure in it.

If baby is warm, fed, and cared for then you are doing a brilliant job. The rush of love will come in time.

I hope you enjoy your walk today x

Thank you - I am terrible for comparing myself to other mums. Even on Mumsnet there are threads about coping with a newborn and a 3.5 year old with women saying how it’s a breeze etc. makes me feel dreadful.

thank you also for saying don’t judge yourself for enjoying work more than this and saying other mums do too - i feel awful for saying/ thinking it but I’m good at my job (don’t know if I’m good at being a mum) and I am only answerable to myself really. I also get a lot of fulfilment from it - I’m not there with my young children yet because I have overall found it so hard.
my eldest is wonderful but she is very strong minded and emotional which can be very trying, especially when I myself am struggling. Hard to be a role model etc when you are depressed.

im glad you’re out the other side. 🧡

Totally agree about the weather! And try not to compare yourself to other mums because honestly even people in the same “boat” technically can be having a vastly different experience.

As I say I have 2 under 2 and it has been lovely BUT I’m very aware that’s because my 3 month old is nothing like his big sister, he’s really easy going, laid back, just happy to be here- if I’d had another baby like my first instead then I would be having a very very different experience and it would be really difficult!