New Mum Advice

[JayGolightly]

I've recently become a Mum for the first time, my boy is 4 weeks old and I love him to bits, I always wanted to be a Mum so it really is a dream come true for me..
But sadly, it just doesn't feel that way at all. I always imagined this magical time where we'd come home with our baby and be over the moon but I'm just exhausted, drained and numb.
I had quite a traumatic birth, my baby was LGA so the consultant offered an elective c section for a safer delivery so we went for it. On the day of the c section, my baby had a heart rate of 190 and had got himself into a tricky position, which turned our nice planned c section into an emergency. I was rushed to theatre, thankfully my boy came out fine but I was left battered. It was so hard to get him out that they actually ended up removing my uterus and putting it back in.

Because of the emergency, I wasn't able to have skin-to-skin straight away, something that was so important to me, and the anxiety and fear stopped me from ever getting that rush of happiness and love that people speak about.

I still feel like I'm not completely bonded with my boy which absolutely destroys me. My c section wound is now infected and I'm waiting for the swabs to come back so I can have some treatment. My baby won't sleep in his bedside cot, only when he's on someone, so we're extremely sleep deprived. When I get chance to have a nap, I can't sleep because I just cry. My relationship is so strained and I miss my old life just us, I miss my partner so much. I feel guilty for everything.

I don't really have any friends to talk to, so that's why I'm here, it would be nice to hear some reassurance from other Mums perhaps with similar experiences ❤️

Oh lovely those first weeks are so hard! Bonkers hormones, no sleep, and what sounds like some major trauma. Can someone come round and help you, even just for a couple of hours? If you have time for a book, what mother do, especially when it looks like nothing (Naomi stedlen) is excellent. Here’s an article: https://www.theguardian.com/books/2005/jan/05/booksforchildrenandteenagers.familyandrelationships

I also missed the immediate skin to skin, and was devastated, but honestly years on were totally fine.

Try not to focus on what you think these early days should look like, honestly it’s just survival time, but it absolutely get easier. Sending lots of love

You poor thing, your birth sounds very traumatic. I had an elective c-section at 35 weeks but my son was immediately taken off to NICU and I couldn’t hold him for three days and he flinched if I touched him in his incubator. I never got that rush of love and happiness either. He was like an alien to me and I remember feeling like I should love him but I was just going through the motions of looking after him for quite a while. That baby has just turned 4 and is my whole world. Those feelings will come I promise. Lots of mum’s don’t get that rush of love straight away and it should be normalised to freak out when faced with your tiny human and think “what the fuck have I done?”

You are only 4 weeks in and you are doing great. Don’t worry about your relationship, if he’s a decent guy he knows his only role is to support you and your son for now. DH and I used to split the nights where I would go to bed 7- midnight and he would sleep midnight to 5 and we’d switch again. Even if you a breastfeeding, he can bring him for a feed then take him away again so you can try to get some rest.

Hi OP your feelings are so valid and a lot of women can relate. There is unfortunately a lot of outside influence painting an (often) unrealistic image of what becoming a mother will look and feel like. When you add in a traumatic birth and wild hormones it’s just a completely different story.

If it offers you any reassurance, I felt exactly the same with our second. Felt we had made a mistake, she was quite fussy and I also had a traumatic birth. I cried every day for 6 weeks and asked the midwives not to discharge me as I was worried I had PND. The midwife said her gut was that I’d feel better by 6 weeks PP and I did to be honest, by 12 weeks baby girl was just amazing and life had settled into a rythm. When people told me time would help I was clinging on for a specific of how long as it felt so emotional and difficult.

Can you look into booking a ‘birth stories’ appointment at your birth hospital? They like to leave a couple of months between birth and the appt but it was so helpful for me to understand what happened and wrap my head around it. I don’t feel the trauma from it any more in the same way.

Can you look into safe co sleeping to get better rest? Are you bf or bottle feeding? We found DD slept really well in our bed even if we weren’t in it. Do you have any baby classes booked? I reluctantly booked baby sensory during this time as knew it would benefit us both to have to get out of the house.

Just wanted to reassure you that although you don’t feel how you expected, how you do feel is completely normal and you aren’t alone with it. ♥️

eta - I did get skin to skin and it just made no difference. Didn’t get that rush of love, I actually don’t know anyone that did in the way you hear about to be honest. But what did help was stripping off and having skin to skin in bed with DD every day at home xx

It sounds a little bit like there’s a very normal difference between expectations and reality, possibly too much time on Instagram and dreaming.

lower your expectations of perfection and just enjoy this time for what it is as much as you can. Looking back it goes so so fast but it is incredibly hard while you’re in it.

It might not have gone how you planned it, (I understand this, I had an emergency c section under GA) but what matters is you have a healthy baby. Focus on yourself, sleep lots, eat lots, lie in bed or on the sofa with baby and don’t feel you have to achieve anything for the next few weeks.