How to refrain from verbal expressions of frustration at night wakings

[nebulacoccinella]

I’m deeply ashamed and I know this can’t happen again which is why I’m here. My 7 month old appears to be experiencing a sleep regression at the moment, as a newborn she would only wake twice per night and sleep well inbetween. Then she was sleeping through the night. Suddenly from 1am it’s a huge challenge to get her back to sleep for more than 10-20 minutes at a time until about 5-6am. Tonight at about half 3 when I was doing it all and she got more upset, I said out loud in a soft voice but a frustrated tone ‘come on what’s the matter with you’ and ‘stop it’. Maybe this doesn’t sound such a big deal to some I’m not sure. I feel so guilty and think this was dead wrong. My question is how do I retain myself when I feel these frustrations. I think my frustration in fact is more in relation to my partner who only ever lays there swearing and has never helped on nights, or even daytime naps. Which makes it even more unfair that my baby has to also experience my frustration. I’d really appreciate anyone’s help in making sure it never happens again, I feel like you undergo a whole personality change when you’re chronically sleep deprived! I’m typically told I’m an overly patient person but apparently not anymore! Thank you in advance.

What you did is completely fine but if you ever feel like you're going to truly lose it put her in her cot and step away for a couple of minutes I use to have to do this with mine sometimes because sleep deprivation really does get to you after a while its really hard. You also need to speak to your partner about helping more even if its just at a weekend if hes working full time.

Thank you for your response, it does help to know I’m not the only one. I agree it’s a great idea to put them down and just step away for a moment, I will try to do that, I just find I’m more impulsive at night as I’m only 35% awake. During the day I never do this as I find I can think before I act, I seem to struggle with that at night. I agree I need more help, my partner does work full time. The thing is I also work full time doing a full time PhD and I am responsible for most things around the house. I do think because it’s a PhD and more flexible schedule my partner sees it as lesser than a regular job, but it’s in a whole new discipline for me and is a huge project so I do genuinely find it very hard (especially with the sleep dep and everything else I’ve got to do). I don’t wish for an easy life but I do wish to be able to better handle these stresses

As someone who has a 17 month old, and is also 7 months pregnant, I think the only thing you can really do during the bad nights is remind yourself they are just a baby, they aren’t giving you a hard time they are HAVING a hard time, and do whatever you can to get through them. We co-sleep even still now when my daughter needs it, she sleeps far better in my bed cuddled up with me and if that gets us both that few hours more sleep then great, once she’s past it she goes back to her own room and all good.

If you’re having a really bad night and absolutely nothing else works then sometimes I do find just accepting it’s not working, sit down with baby, get comfy, just read a book/watch an episode of something/podcast in one ear- distract yourself rather than getting frustrated that you’re not asleep. I would say though if you’re going to do this then your partner needs to be getting up at say 4am to swap so you can still get a chunk of sleep. We did this a few times during a particularly bad regression as she used to sleep from about 9pm-1am then not sleep 1am-5am so we’d all sleep 9-1, I’d do 1-4:30 wake ups so my husband got 7.5 hours sleep and my husband got up to take over at 4:30 so that I could get another 3.5 hours before he had to leave for work so we’d both had an okay amount of sleep.

Sleep deprivation is hard and there are some tips & tricks but the only thing that will really make any difference is having a good supportive partner to share the load with.

Do you have childcare so you can do your PhD? Or are you trying to fit it in around naps etc?

I think my frustration in fact is more in relation to my partner who only ever lays there swearing and has never helped on nights, or even daytime naps. This is what needs focusing on. What is going on here?

When you're frustrated, one way to let it out is to sing 'I really wish you'd go to sleep' or similar to a nursery rhyme tune. Or just hum the tune whilst saying the words in your head. Your wish for sleep is entirely natural!

No childcare, I fit it in around naps!

Girl, your issue is your partner. Even if you weren’t doing a phd he should be contributing to caring for your shared child and that includes every aspect of care. Let him look after her for 24 hours and see if he thinks he is working harder in his job. Also what’s going to happen when you’re back at work? I’ll bet money that he won’t suddenly step up then! You deserve better and so does your daughter xx