I don't even know why I'm posting this. I think it's because I need to voice my thoughts and I don't have anyone to talk to. Everyone else in my life has their own problems going on.
I'm a first time mum to my son (3 months).
I don't want to brag, but I honestly thought I was doing a good job with my son. People compliment me whenever we go out and I believed I was doing good.
For the last few days, it has been difficult. It was my dad's death anniversary on the 29th. He died years ago, but this was the first year I celebrated with someone (my son). My son is currently teething, so he has been irritable and I'm trying my best to help him through it. I restarted my period the other day since being pregnant. It sounds stupid, but I forgot what it felt like having a period after not having it for so long. It has been extra bloody and uncomfortable and I hate it.
My friend kept making comments about how I didn't do this and that. I genuinely thought I did, but now I don't know. I didn't think I had a problem with my memory, but now I'm starting to doubt myself.
I feel paranoid that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to do and started recording and taking photos after I do things, so I know for sure that I have.
If I'm forgetting to do things then maybe there are other things I'm forgetting to do? This has led me to thinking about other things like maybe I'm not doing a good job with my son and people are lying to make me feel better. Maybe I'm failing as a mum? I had a brief thought of calling social services and telling them to take my son away from me because I am doing a shit job. Maybe my son would be better off without me.
I do have a history of depression and anxiety, so I usually know when my mental health is getting bad, but I don't know. It feels different.
I don't know if I'm experiencing postnatal depression, baby blues or if I'm being extra sensitive at the moment. For the first two weeks after I had my son, I was emotional, angry and anxious, but the feelings gradually faded away,so I didn't think too much about what I was feeling.
I have been crying on/off for the last 3 hours. I couldn't stop crying when I was feeding my son, which I felt guilty about (and still feel guilty about). He is currently asleep and I still can't stop crying. Usually when I am upset, I can cry for about 10 to 15 minutes and I'm fine
I thought about going to try and contact the GP tomorrow, but I'm worried. Before I was pregnant and I had my son, I wouldn't hesitate to speak with a doctor about what is going on with my mental health, but now, I feel like if I tell them how I am feeling they will judge me. I know deep down they wouldn't, but I still can't stop feeling like they will.
I'm sorry for ranting. I'm just so tired and want to talk to someone.