Struggling with newborn

[anonymoushelp]

I am a first time mum and my son is currently almost 7 weeks old.

I am not with the dad due to him cheating and him not wanting involvement with the baby. I have always wanted to be a mum and although I knew it wouldn't be easy, I feel like things are getting worse.

Since pregnancy there was always a problem from hemorrhoids to bleeding and low B12. In the end I had to have an emergency C-section. I was by myself as no one was able to get there in time as it was in the early hours of the morning.

When we arrived home from the hospital, I had to push myself to do things, so I never rested. For the first 5 weeks, everything was great and we had a good routine. However, once my baby was 5 weeks old it was one thing after another.

My baby wasn't latching probably (he did previously) and no matter what I did, nothing worked. The Health Visitor made me feel like it was my fault, but when she tried positioning him, even she could see it wasn't my fault. No one could figure out why he wasn't latching probably. He's not tongue tied and there didn't appear to be anything wrong with him. My milk supply wasn't coming in properly. I tried expressing (electrically and manually), taking vitamins, different food and drinks, but there was no improvement and I barely produced anything. In the end, I had to go by formula.

My son had really bad reflux and would throw up after every feed from a dripple to a full bottle. I was so worried that I went to the hospital and the doctor said it was normal ("Is this your first baby?"), but prescribed medication to help. It helped, but he ended up having constipation. My local doctor prescribed medication to help with the constipation. I ended up making a makeshift bed next to his crib in case there was a problem.

I was talking to my neighbour the other day (we usually get along well) and when I mentioned the constipation, she said "There's always something wrong with him laughs". I don't know why, but that made me feel like crap.

I didn't have a problem before, but now I am struggling to bond with him. He hates being put down and I'm lucky if I can have a few minutes just to go to the toilet. He screams/cries almost hourly. I have tried different things like talking, singling, hugging, reading, playing and going for walks to build a bond with him, but I don't feel anything. He clings to me and rubs his head against my neck. Something I loved, but now I hate it.

The lack of sleep is making me irritable and there are times I think I must have been sleep walking because I end up in different places and things have been moved.

I tried explaining my feelings to the Health Visitor, but she said how around this time babies can be quite fussy, but it will improve. She said about going to mum and baby groups, but the idea makes me feel anxious. When I've taken him out to shops and he starts crying, I feel embarrassed and worked up and paranoid that everyone is judging me. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I can't help it and the idea of being in a group with other mums/dads and babies feels me with anxiety. My local doctor isn't the best at listening to the majority of the time.

We can have some good moments, but any little thing sets me off. Earlier I was holding him and trying to prepare his bottle when he swung his arm out (he was already crying) and because it startled me I knocked the bottle over and more than half spilled out. I was so angry and then started crying. I know it wasn't on purpose, but it doesn't make it easier.

I spoke with one friend about how I was feeling and I said to her that I wasn't sure if what I was feeling was Postnatal Depression or Baby Blues, but she said it probably isn't either and it was normal to feel this way.

Is this normal? Does it get better?

I hate feeling this way and I'm pretty sure my son is picking up when my mood changes. He doesn't smile (unless he's farting), but he does make eye contact. I am finding it difficult to maintain eye contact with him. Especially when I am upset or irritated.

I don't have any family and only have a few circle of friends. One has offered to watch him beforehand, but I don't want them to feel like I'm taking advantage of their offer.

Sorry for the rant!

Congratulations on the birth of your baby.
well done on single handedly keeping them fed, clean and safe without a break. I take my hat off to you.
i would push the hv and gp to listen to you and lean on your friends for support. Ask your friend if the babysitting offer still stands and sleep girl ❤️ it will get easier xx

Oh OP, I just want to give you a hug!

Firstly, it will get better. You're in the thick of newborn trenches - it's hard even with help, so please try and give yourself some credit that you're doing this on your own!

Secondly, this does sound like it could be baby blue / PND (or at least the start perhaps?). I'd really recommend speaking to a doctor if you can (and perhaps someone different to whoever you've spoken to so far as they haven't sounded particularly helpful).

Also please don't worry about feeling like you're taking advantage if people have offered help. Take whatever help you can get, whenever you can get it. It really does take a village! Take that help - even if it's for you to just go and have a bath in peace, have a nap or eat a meal with two hands!

I'm sure you're doing an amazing job though, be kind to yourself ❤️

this sounds like it could be PND. Having a baby without a support network must be very very very hard, go easy on yourself.

If you are feeling unhappy or overwhelmed do reach out to your GP.

I have a 6 week old baby that’s “easy”, and a supportive partner and it’s hard. I’m not saying that to make you feel worse but hopefully to validate whatever feelings you are having, as it’s really bloody hard and I can only imagine how much harder it is to do it alone.
lean on your friends that have offered to help. Someone once said to me with my first child that the support network is what you make it, some people have lots of family around then to help, some people have friends and some people have to build their support network with childcare. All options are okay and use what network you have.

with my first I didn’t even think about mum and baby groups until after 6 weeks. No matter how self concious you feel, do go, and you could meet some lovely people all who will connect with what
you’re going through.

you’re explanation about formula and breastfeeding suggested to me that you’re carrying some guilt about moving to formula feeding. If that’s true - drop that guilt immediately.
you’re doing an amazing job

Firstly, we’ve all been there, babies are hard work, especially if you are a lone parent.

It does get easier when they can sit up - and sleep longer. Hold in there.

Your baby has reflux, the top of the stomach muscle is open and everyone you put him down acid leaks into his throat, which is why he cries and prefers to cling to mum. lift the cot up with a towel under the mattress, keep him upright after feeding and never lay him flat - once he stops crying you’ll life will get easier.

The health visitor should be able to point you in the right direction, seeking out new mum friends will help.

Dont believe these amazing baby pics on FB - no one is having an easy ride - and personally i would shoot any mum who thinks putting this crap out there is helping anyone - because it’s just a lie!

I've recently had a newborn who was born via emergency c-section and I struggled with my birth plan changing from what I had planned for it to be (vaginally birth with just gas and air and pethidine).

My baby had to stay in the hospital so I stayed with them which was really difficult and I struggled immensely!

I guess I'm writing this to say that I completely understand and empathise with you. Having a break from your baby does help, even if it's just a couple of hours so definitely take up any offers of support!

I have no idea if it gets easier as this is my first.

It may help to try to understand what is causing your feelings, I.e. is it the birth method, the clinginess, lack of sleep, all of the above? This is something worth exploring with the HV or GP.

Edited to say - I went to a breastfeeding support group and found it really helpful. Hearing other people's stories and struggles really helped and made me feel less alone. Please don't beat yourself up about using formula! Youre doing the best by your baby and doing it single-handedly, you should be so proud of yourself.

Oh @anonymoushelp - I really feel for you. You are doing so well. And it will get better I promise.
I am a completely lone parent and there are lots of good things about this situation ❤️

I hope you don’t mind but have written out a few things for you to try that I did and helped me a lot …

first … sleep when your baby does. Not indefinitely but for the next few weeks - really try and nap whenever you can.

second … if your baby is crying and you’re stressed, agitated or need to do something urgently … put the baby safely in its cot with the sides up. Shut the door and just sit and take a minute. Take some deep breaths and imagine life without your baby, or even something happening to your baby and maybe you’re no longer able to cuddle him. Once you do this, after a while, I used to get flooded with so much love it helped me feel more patience and I could cope with anything.

Thirdly - accept your baby will want you and carry him around in a sling in the home whilst you’re doing odd jobs. Buy easy to make meals for you and try and cut down things to do as much as possible so you can eat and rest for a bit.

fourth - if reflux continues pls know it will get better and it really does ease - some people I know used thicker milk and bottle fed so look into this.

take a good multivitamin or even a tonic in case your iron, and vit Bs are low.

Good luck and congratulations. It will ease xx

How are you doing OP?

This sounds like PND to me. You can self-refer in some areas to the IAPT for talking therapy, otherwise you should contact your GP for help.

maybe see if there are any support groups available nearby, like Mindful Mums.

otherwise, make a list of things that help and things that make it worse. Then do the things that help and don’t do the things that don’t! So, as an example:

things that helped:

• seeing friends
• getting out the house
• our local Family Hub for support
• having a tidy house
• self-care (daily shower etc)

things that made it worse:

• health visitor
• driving
• being out longer than a couple of hours
• the in-laws
• Ugly nursing/maternity clothes

I can’t say whether it’s normal or not. Honestly single parenting must be so tough. I struggled with support.

The crying also goes right through me. We are built this way. To have a stress response to a babies cries. But if it’s just colic madness there’s nothing that can be done. Honestly at times I have got a set of ear defenders out. You can get ones which have radio or Bluetooth and can do podcasts. This helps as it calms me and I can then hold and try to calm baby without giving myself a migraine.

Dont worry about the bond. It’s only the two of you. You will be thick as thieves.

Keep chatting here. There’s so many mums with so much experience. We all feel your pain ❤️ And it will get better.

I remember these being the hardest weeks, but you’re more than half way through the ‘4th trimester’, it all gets so much better from 10/11+ weeks!

• accept any help you can get to give you a rest
• get out of the house, for me, mum&baby groups were a lifesaver! Whether it’s a walk in the park, a ln exercise class with baby, rhyme time or baby sensory classes, it can really help to have somewhere to go. At home with baby all day is exhausting, I found it so much easier to go out, baby was distracted and needed me less.
• keep going, you’re doing great and the tough times you experience now will soon be a distant memory!

Hi everyone,

Thank you for your kind words and advice. Since my last post, I spoke with my friend about how I was feeling and they said they will go with me to speak with my doctor about how I am feeling.

The doctor recommended medication to help with my low mood, but thinks I may have some unresolved feelings due to the C-section and the challenges from afterwards. He also believes I may have postnatal depression and has put a referral in for therapy (it may take some time).

My friend has been helping me by watching my son so I can sleep/wash/eat etc, which has been a big help.

Unfortunately, the baby groups near me are not open at the moment, but there is a child friendly 'cafe' that parents and children can go to. I have been there once so far (with my friend attending), but only stayed for over half an hour, which wasn't too long, but it's a start. I am hoping to go regularly and when the baby groups are back on, I am hoping to go. Even if it's only for a little bit at a time.

I have bought a baby carrier, which was difficult to understand the instructions at first, but we managed to figure it out. My son isn't too fond of it, but he may need to get used to it (?).

It is early days, but I am feeling a bit more positive about things.

I may post again in the future for more advice :)

Mum of 3. Teenagers now. Those first few months are very hard. I found the sleep deprivation enough to make me depressed, let alone having a crying baby with feeding issues. I also felt paranoid about being judged, this is a very common thought. Set the thought aside as its not reality. Get out of the house as much as possible, put baby in a stroller and go for a walk. I found supermarkets were great, put baby in the trolley and they are mesmerised by the ceiling lights. Go to one with baby change and cafe facilities. Feed the baby and get yourself food and drink. The same goes for shopping malls. Find local clubs that are geared up to mother and baby and try to make friends with someone with a similar aged baby. Swap numbers and support each other. Do things that work ok with a baby and that you enjoy. I found an exercise class, yoga and swimming for new mums and babies. Also some great cafes. It is tough and you will be very tired. Big hugs to you.

Sounds like you’ve made some hugely positive steps OP. Just remember if he cries when you’re out it’s normal human behaviour for others to look but it doesn’t mean they’re judging. If it’s me I’m probably just thinking “thank god we got part those days!”