PND and no support from friends

[hannahk1202]

I had my baby 12 weeks ago and as much as I love him I am struggling. I do have my parents but I feel let down by my friends

I had arranged to meet two of them but I couldn’t make it due to not feeling great. They replied a short and quite abrupt message. I thought I would let them know what I am going through I have had no reply from one and a bit of a standard ‘sorry’ but no real offer of being there or help

am I expecting too much?

I think unless you have gone through PND it is hard to understand. I found it most helpful to be a bit open with friends who were in a similar situation (new baby), and found that quite a few also had PND, and those were my group for a bit (we are closer friends after the babies grew up). This included saying - I cannot make this unless you come to my house (which was something I felt more comfortable with) etc.

I don't think you are expecting too much. But I think unless you are in that same mindset it is hard to understand. I did stop organising meetups unless with a small group of people.

Also - have you spoken to your GP? I found mine extremely helpful, and ended up taking sertraline for a year or so, which made the world of difference.

What help do you want from your friends, though? I think you may need to ask for what you need more precisely, and also not to put pressure on yourself to meet people outside of the home if you're struggling.

You should definitely also talk to your GP/ midwife/health visitor about what support is available.

I think you are expecting too much from friends, I don’t know how they could help and most people have their own worries. Plus they have tried to spend time with you and you cancelled so they can’t win either way.

Lean on your partner and professional help.

That’s really shitty, I’m sorry. I’d go as far as saying it’s rude.

If my friend said they were struggling, I’d call them, offer to pop round, come with treats and a hug and hold the baby so you could have some time for a shower/nap.

Have you got other support around you?

Thanks for your replies. I understand people have their own lives. I just feel as a friend I would certainly let my friends know I am there if they should need me? Isn’t that what friendships are all about? It’s good to get everyone’s perspectives though, so thank you!

@hannahk1202 yes it is what friends do and I’m so sorry you’ve been let down.

Yes, but what exactly do you want from them other than a token 'I'm there if you need me'? You may need to be specific. Do you want them to come to your house and help you with the baby? Do you want to talk to them on the phone about how you're feeling?

I would agree - when having PND I found being specific with what I need (can you come to my house for a meetup rather than the coffee place), can we meet up and have a take away (rather than I would usually prepare nice meals) etc etc was when things came through.

thanks on the tips of specifics. I guess I would like them to meet with me (low key) and be able to talk without feeling like I’m being a burden. I wouldn’t do this with most people but I would love to have a select one or two who I know I could rely on for this and not be a pain to if that makes sense

This must feel really disappointing. Your friends may genuinely NOT get what you’re going through, through no fault of yours or theirs. This is especially true If they’ve not gone through the postpartum period themselves and/or you’re not all at the life stage where lots of people around you are have babies. I’ve been surprised by how many very intelligent, learned friends of mine are utterly clueless about the reality of baby life! They may have no idea the weight of what you’re dealing with.

I think it’s also worth remembering that when PND hits hard, it can by the very nature of the issue be all too easy to read things with a negative and sad mindset and take, for example, a simple reply as a cold reply when that isn’t necessarily the intention. You need more back, so it feels hurtful and lacking. Perhaps not at all relevant to your situation here, but just in case…❤

If things don’t clear up with your friends, maybe take a small step of going once a week to a mum and baby group — a low-key, low-sensory (for the babies but we benefit too!), controlled environment where you’ll meet others who understand what you’re dealing with better and with whom you can bond.

But first things first, as others have said, speak to your GP, health visitor or midwife.

Sending good wishes to you

If your friends don’t have kids then they won’t get it. The people who supported me the most were new mums I met at a baby group. It’s hard for people to empathise if they don’t know how hard it is having a baby

Thanks for all of your replies. I have actually been talking to a friend from work who has been really supportive. She’s offered to listen, meet if I’m able to and I feel very grateful. I hope to take her up on that but I don’t want to be a burden!

That’s a really positive result! Re the last sentence, when somebody extends a hand to you and you take it, you’re not being a burden; you’re accepting their friendship :) That is a wonderful thing!

I’m really pleased to hear this. Don’t feel like a burden. As the poster said above, accept the offer of support and friendship.