10 weeks PP and still recovering - loosing hope

[CSmumtobe]

Hi all,
I’m 10 weeks PP from a birth that traumatised me - induced 16 hours labour, epidural didn’t work properly, baby got stuck in birth canal so had to have forceps, an episiotomy and also suffered a 3rd degree tear.
Got told all was healing well at my 6 week check up and it did feel slightly better. At 7 weeks did a little shuffle on the sofa and felt a stabbing pain inside my vagina, went to the GP and they said I have a small half cm fissure open and just had to up pain relief and wait for it to close naturally. I have a check up at the NHS perennial clinic next week and also booked a private gynologist to check me the week after.
I am still in a bit of pain from the tear but particularly this fissure I think. I still can’t sit properly without pain and can’t walk for longer as it ends up hurting and I also get a heavy feeling down there (though this is better than before), so really I haven’t left the house properly since baby was born as taking care of her is all the discomfort I can endure (and yes my husband helps with all he can and my mum comes and stays from abroad every now and again to help too).
I feel utterly broken and like my life is ruined, I rarely feel joy as I can’t do anything I enjoyed doing before other than like reading a book, I wanted a baby so much but nobody prepared me for how rubbish the recovery would be and for this reason I think I am struggling to bond with baby and feel like I just go about my day like a numb robot. She is such a perfect little girl and I feel terribly guilty about not being the mom I wanted to be and not enjoying her early months.
Not sure what’s the point of this post, I guess did someone go through this and can tell me it gets better?

@CSmumtobe - sending you a huge hug. It does get better, and you shouldn't feel guilty - you have been through a very traumatic time, and are still in pain. I had a traumatic birth (different problems to you, but still) and found it very hard to be excited about being a new mum. My gynae quite wisely said that your body and mind closes up and concentrates on getting you well first. That seems sensible. It is early days still - take the time to look after yourself, heal, and recover, with no expectations about how you will feel. I don't think I bonded with my baby for many months. I loved her and looked after her - but that joyful feeling that everyone talks about? - no - didn't get it at all. She is 19 now, and the absolute light of my life. Look after yourself, and know that it is not always going to feel like this.

@Zimunya Thank you so much for the reply it’s made me feel a tad more hopeful 🤍🤍

OP, don't lose hope. I had the same, after a 40 hour labour. DS is 16 now, happy cheerful, six foot tall. It took me a while to be besotted with him but it crept up on me.

It was 12 weeks before I could walk slowly around Tesco and nearly 6 months before I let DP anywhere near me.

Don't rush, give yourself the time you need. It will get better. xx

It's really early days, it will get better x

Recovery takes much longer than they tell you. My first was due in July and everyone said to me, oh how lovely, all the walks in the sun etc - I had an episiotomy and couldn't walk more than 10 mins for about 8 weeks! I think I started to feel more myself about 12 weeks and was able to start going to baby classes and things when she was around 4 months old. It's good that you're getting all the check ups. A pelvic health physio/mummy mot could also be a good idea. Can relate to the bonding as well - mine's about to turn 3 but I can't look at photos from that summer without feeling sad. However I couldn't love her more now so don't worry. I'm expecting my second in October and mentally I have written off the rest of this year to pregnancy and recovery - it's insane how much pressure there is to bounce back when it takes time! Go easy on yourself, you've been through a lot. I promise it gets better!

Yes everyone told me about my spring baby “how lovely you can go for nice long walks and enjoy the sunshine” and it actually breaks my heart to be stuck here two and half months on feeling like I have no life. I think I was feeling more positive until this fissure opened and now sometimes I feel like this will never heal, I’ll never get better, and I’ll never get to enjoy my life and baby the way I hoped 🥲
But thank you so much for your replies, it does give me hope that other people took a while to heal and bond with their babies too and you were fine in the end, so maybe I’ll be ok 🤍

Hi, poor you! I had a similar experience first time round - long, induced labour, forceps delivery and a 3rd degree tear. I remember crying at 9 weeks post birth because I still felt so bloody awful, I was still in pain - like you say, no one prepared me for what giving birth and the aftermath was really like. Also, it definitely affected how I bonded with my baby. It does slowly start getting better. It's a bit of a hazy memory for me now, as my son is 3, but I promise it all gets better and you will feel normal again. And my 3 year old is the light of my life so we got there bonding in the end as well. Give yourself more time, I know it feels like it has been ages but honestly, it is still really early days. I've had another child since too (c-section though second time round). I recommend seeing a women's physio though, they can recommend exercises and massaging your scar, which will also help improve things.

@ChilliHeeler09 thank you so much for your message too, I am feeling more hopeful now 🤍
I have found a women’s pelvic physio clinic near me, they also do the mummy mot so I am going to book that for after the gynaecologist appointment.

I meant to write losing (not loosing) and perineal clinic (not perennial), excuse a sleep deprived mom ha but had to come here and correct it.