Returning to work...

[NavigatingAdulthood]

Long Post - Apologies.

The time has finally come for me to return to work next week, after 9/10 months off on Mat Leave & Annual Leave.

I. Am. Petrified.

I suffered with antenatal depression & anxiety which has transferred over into the postnatal period. I am now in counselling and medicated but this doesn't help the flurry of thoughts and feelings that whoosh through my mind 24/7.

I don't know what part of the return to work is getting to me more. I don't work a 9-5, I work a 12.5hr shift, nights included. I've managed to settle with a set-shift pattern of a Tuesday Long Day, Wednesday Night & then 1x Shift on alternate weekends.

I have an incredible partner, who goes above and beyond when caring for our DS on his own but I just have these continuous, albeit irrational, thoughts running through my head that something awful is going to happen; I'm going to miss crucial moments because I'm not away for 8 hours but for 12.5 hours (maybe longer depending on the type of day); that my relationship with my DS will suffer and even the relationship will become difficult between me and my OH.

How did everyone find going back to work? How did you cope with the transition?

I don't work a 9-5, I work a 12.5hr shift, nights included. I've managed to settle with a set-shift pattern of a Tuesday Long Day, Wednesday Night & then 1x Shift on alternate weekends.

On a logical, reasoned level, working this shift pattern doesn't mean you are away from your little one more than those doing a 8.30 - 5 x 5 days a week, you are actually 'around' a lot more than most parents are able to be.

I acknowledge that depression and anxiety don't follow logic, or reasoning.

To reassure you though, overwhelmingly, the thought of going back to work and leaving your little one for the first time is FAR, FAR, worse than the actual reality.

I'm going to miss crucial moments because I'm not away for 8 hours but for 12.5 hours (maybe longer

What's the deal with the shifts? My friend did three 12 hour shifts which counted as 'full time' and actually spent far more time with her kids than me with my full time role.

I think I view it as I'm not there for the usual routine of mine and my DS's day. It sounds strange, I know, but I think it's upsetting me that I'm not home for dinner or bath time (which is on a Tuesday) and then bedtime might be missed too. I'm so used to being my DS's everything each and every day that it's going to be a strange adjustment for me. My DS will have no problem, I'm sure 😂 I've never had a problem working these shifts beforehand but I guess I'm wired a bit differently now.