1 Year Postpartum Rage

[Piggel]

Sorry if this post is all over the place. I’m just venting as I go!

A little bit of background. I have two DSs, eldest is 2.5 and youngest turned 1 last week.

I’ve found the past 9 months really tough. My mental health took a dive when pregnant but I felt so much better when DS2 was born. And found the first 3-4 months pretty easy. I really believed that going from 1-2 was easier than 0-1.

Then DS2 started rolling, crawling. Desperately wanting to get on the move to catch up with his older brother. I just found as every week went by my spirit was breaking more and more. DS just had no chill and the whinging and crying was hurting my soul.

Things with DS2 levelled out around December when he could properly walk and keep up. And although tired (thanks to illness, teething, sleep etc) I finally felt like there was a light at the end of the tunnel. And then these past two weeks I’ve been filled with rage. I don’t really know what else to call it. I didn’t feel like this with DS1, although I fell pregnant with DS2 a couple of weeks after his 1st birthday. I’m just really taken aback.

This week has been tough due to DS1 getting chickenpox. So he hasn’t been to nursery since Monday and has been bored out of his mind. Luckily he hasn’t been poorly! DS2 started nursery this week and has settled in really well, but I think the tiredness has caught up with him, along with teething (also expecting him to get chickenpox but no sign just yet). But today has just been horrendous with them both having tantrums one after another. And I’ve felt like a gasket ready to blow. As the title says it’s been building over the past couple of weeks but I’m now concerned.

Has anyone else felt like this a year postpartum? I can’t take anti depressants as they interact with my Epilepsy meds. I’ve already spoken to a GP who’s going to order a blood test as they think my B levels could be low due to the Epilepsy meds and this could be contributing to the rage feeling. I just feel really lost and rubbish atm. And wasn’t expecting to feel like this 51 weeks postpartum!

Are you a single parent?

@Coffeeguru81 no I’m not. I have a super lovely, supportive DH. Who goes above and beyond. His parents have helped with the kids to fill in childcare gaps whilst we work. Now both kids are in nursery his Mum has offered to look after the kids an evening here or there so we can spend some time together. I think we’ve just had almost 3 years of not being able to fill up our own cups that maybe it’s all come to a head? At least for me anyway. I think I’m just completely burnt out.

I'm with you at nearly 2 years PP... It's just come on now as my period has come back, I hasten to add, I haven't had it for a year! I don't think it's spoken about enough honestly. It's so tough, you've every reason to feel extremely pissed off. Luckily we adore our kids because the whole process can be absolutely infuriating and relentless. You'll get through it! Your DC are both so tiny right now. You're doing so well just surviving. Try not to take on any guilt about your anger. I wonder if you have a good outlet for it? I find it really helps me to go for a run. As you.say your DH is supportive, are you getting enough regular time to yourself?

@Smittenkitchen I only ever hear about PPD, not about rage. I guess the rage could be a symptom though?
DH and I both work full time and flexible hours to accommodate nursery pick up. By the time bedtime rolls round we have an hour, maybe an hour and a half to ourselves and we’re just exhausted by that point! I was massively into Peloton before having DS1 and after, but trying to find the time and energy to workout after having two is impossible (at least for me). I’m sure there’s more I could do or ask for but I don’t really know where to begin! And you’re right, they are both so tiny. And want to be with us at all times. Which is lovely. But also a bit much on days like today.

Sorry that you’re going through the same thing. Do you think yours is down to your period? I’ve had my period for a while so I don’t think it’s that for me… but having said that I definitely feel more tetchy the week running up to my period now where as I never used to before. Honestly. All these hormones. And such a contrast to everything I went through after DS1!

Hmm, I think the rage is different from PPD but perhaps similarly effected by hormones. I have felt a huge shift in how I feel since my period came back this month, very short fuse, very up and down and also feeling exhausted. Actually more or less how I often used to feel before I had DC1 5 years ago. I've found breastfeeding and the associated lack of ovulation/menstruation had a real steadying effect on my mood.
Anyway, don't want to hijack your thread!
It must be so full on working full time and difficult to find the huge amounts of patience and energy required to take care of small DC, especially when they're ill, when you've already done a day of work.
It does generally get easier and easier as they get older. I would say as soon as you feel like you could, try to take half an hour for Peloton or whatever else feels feasible. Exercise can kind of reset our mental health and mood I think and that seems to last for quite a few days, ime.

I get this. I think it's just being a parent tbh, it's sooo bloody hard and there's never any break.
I have a 3 year old that took 3 hours to go to sleep tonight and then a 2 week old cluster feeding newborn. I've just got over the flu after my lovely dc passed it on to me and I'd be pretty amazed if I didn't feel a bit of rage at times lol. I'm so tired.

I can’t believe you have a super supportive dh and not ONCE do you mention him or even allude to any involvement of him in your OP