Discovering bulimia at 40

[Givemestrength1000]

6 months post partum. Noticed the comments about my health (read: weight) starting from
3/4 months post partum i.e, pressure on losing not enough (in reality, I’d lost zero baby weight / mainly from having a toddler and managing both toddler and a newborn and not eating properly). I’m 40. I feel fucking broken having kids this late. Been on a strict diet since, and lost 8 kilos but was dreading the Christmas season and putting it back on. I have a terrible metabolism - I just need to look at food and I put on half a stone. Christmas Eve/Christmas Day/Boxing Day I ate a reasonable amount - not crazily excessive but way more than normal. Suddenly decided to vomit it up than deal with the guilt and consequences. I’ve done this for three nights in a row. I feel relieved but stupid. I’m a mum. I’d be horrified if my daughter did this. But I’m so fucking miserable being fat. My self esteem is at rock bottom. I feel unattractive. I feel shit. Not sure what I’m hoping to achieve by this post. Thanks for reading.

I'm 41 and 10 months pp.
I found the best thing to do was to do lots of exercise and burn off the initial baby weight along with a calorie deficit until I got to my ideal weight and then I was able to maintain by keeping to a healthy lifestyle.
I have been there and actually didn't lose weight with bulimia and anorexia was a seesaw of binge/starve and got me nowhere but took a lot of pain and struggle to come back from.
I wish I knew all along how simple it was to just eat healthy, cut sugar and do some exercise, once you see the scales drop it will motivate you to keep going but then you must maintain your weight once you've reached your goal.
This means eat a healthy but filling amount and never go hungry.
You can do it, and no more making yourself sick, anyway you still get the calories from the food even after you throw up and it gives you a bloated face.
For me it was all about cravings for sugar and the longer I cut out sugar the less cravings were until I eventually didn't crave sugar anymore and enjoy nutrition meals instead.
Most importantly it's about living a healthy lifestyle not just diet until you reach your goal or you'll put it back on.
Some people say don't deprive yourself of anything and eat something you like in moderation, that works for some people but I had a sugar addiction and cold turkey was the only way for me but it's not one size fits all it's about finding something that works for you and that's not going to be bulimia I promise that's not the way.
Good luck and please see your gp if you feel out of your depth.