My 5 month old won’t look at me PPD

[Gleedom]

Can anyone help? I’ve been experiencing postnatal depression including insomnia. Now my 5 month old won’t look at me. I’m trying to sing and talk to her the whole time but she just looks for her dad and smiles at other people. What will happen now? Does anyone have experience of this?

how are you coping with the post natal depression? What do you mean by “what will happen now”? It can take a while to bond with baby so try not to think too much about it.

Wont look at you at all? Even when you’re the only one with her in the room?

This is totally normal. As the mum you're always there. They're only just starting to realise they aren't part of you. They don't need to smile and charm you. The dad tends to come and go a bit more so they get much more of a reaction. My little one was exactly the same. As they get a bit older it will change xx

Im struggling to sleep but my main problem now rather than the depression is the fact my baby doesn’t like me. She’ll look at everyone else. Can I win her back? Someone said it won’t be until she’s two years old that she’ll bond with me now.

Yes even when it’s just me…

Other mums say their baby laughs most for them and looks at them most and they’re the same age? She smiles for everyone but me and I know it’s because I’ve not engaged with her enough but I’m like a performing monkey now and she’s just not interested…

This has nothing to do with the fact she doesn’t like you. I promise she does. I didn’t bond with my baby at first but did later (and before he was 2!!! That’s complete nonsense) and we have a strong bond. But at first he only wanted his dad.

How old were they when you bonded?

You need to be natural with your baby. Don’t perform. Do activities together like bath time, feeding and things like that. Every baby is different don’t worry about what other babies are doing

I am breast feeding but it feels like that’s all I’m good for..

When you are depressed you have a biased view - things become clouded, you are brain foggy and sleep deprived also.

With little ones there is also the novelty factor - when someone else is present they are curious and will look to that person other than the main care giver present.

Do they still settle for you?
Do they respond to being soothed by you?
Do they never smile or turn to your voice ‘ever’
Do they reach out to touch you or grab what you have?
Do they try to mimic you?

The very fact that you are worried about this indicates you care and love your child.

Please speak to your health visitor or GP. You can be referred for support and you’d be given priority.

Take care

This is the depression talking. Keep going through the motions and one day you'll get there. Shit as it sounds, with my son I basically faked it until it became real. He's 6 now and we absolutely adore each other.

Did you experience the same thing? With him preferring his dad?

I personally was overwhelmed by breastfeeding mentally - I just didn’t realise how much it would limit me - sat there for hours and int he early days navigating where to go and how to breast feed alongside changing rooms etc. no one tells you about those bits ( IME)….and found out it’s more than just learning the latch them on

She’s very placid so doesn’t need settling ever really. She used to smile for me but won’t now. I’m receiving support but I just need hope that all isn’t lost. Should I go back to work early and leave her with her dad if she prefers him?

How old was he when he only wanted his dad?

Babies often prefer the novelty of the parent that is around less.

Hang on in there

If you are still unwell and working through depression I’d give it a little longer away from work. As someone else said- keep smiling it faking it and push through - you will get that smile back.

I’m glad you are getting help. I did when I was PND with my eldest and it does help even when it doesn’t feel like it for a bit.

You are obviously concerned about being a good parent from what you have said. It really is a day to day thing. Only focus on the 12 hours at a time

I felt like it at the time. It felt like every time he was with me then he just cried.
Getting out to baby groups helped too, even though I found it hard. I had to force myself.

Little by little and month by month it got better. I sleep trained using ferber at about 8 months too (not nearly as bad as I expected) which got us down to one wake up per night for a feed and made a big difference to my mental health.

Thanks I guess I just need some hope.

I had a difficult birth and at first only my husband could settle him - probably until he was about 6 months old- our bond slowly grew and now we are very close. As others have said - the fact that you are suffering from depression means that you won’t be seeing things clearly and have a more negative outlook - just keep bonding I promise it will sort itself out.

I would also say that kids tend to (as they grow) look for the parent they feel best fit their needs. So if my boy needs a cuddle he looks for me, if he wants to talk it out a confess to something he did wrong he will look for his dad. This is natural and to be encouraged. Doesn’t mean they love one more than the other.

When you are breastfeeding you are providing the food, comfort and safety for your baby. It absolutely isn't the case your baby doesn't like you. She is likely a placid baby because you are breastfeeding and meeting all those basic needs. They take you for granted because you are always there doing exactly what they need you to do. The smiles and laughter will come. Honestly.

Thank you for being kind. She does smile and laugh just not for me now. I had it briefly but ruined things

OP you haven’t ruined anything. Don’t put that pressure on yourself! Your baby is 5 month old - nothing is ruined or lost.