Help - with an 8 week old!

[Nurturegrow11]

Hello,

We have an 8 week old baby.

We are very fortunate he feeds and then sleeps well at night, waking roughly every 3 hours.

But in the day, I am finding it hard to know what to do with him. We nappy change, feed (expressed bm) and direct breastfeeding, I talk with him, show him things, occasionally read, sometimes place him on a playmat (which he doesn’t like,) take him for walks in the pram, show him flash cards and things designed for this age (which I find boring, but I try)... but as he is 8 weeks old he understandably cries and I don’t know what to do!

I don’t know what he wants or what makes him happy (he doesn’t smile yet, only in his sleep.) I also don’t know how long a day I should play with him and I am worried he is being affected by my lack of knowledge / understanding / organisation. We have held off going to local groups because he had v low birth weight. We don’t have family nearby.
There has been added stress as he is significantly below the 0.4 centile.

My husband seems to be great at getting him to stop crying (singing, dancing etc) but I just can’t do this much. I seem to be much better at organisation, chatting, reading (cerebral things), keeping the house organised, cleaning.

For background I usually work in operations, very task based, logistical. I love our son, but I feel I am failing him by not knowing what he needs and just getting stuck trying to do these things, but he still cries. Please can anyone give advice?

I'm sorry you're feeling stressed with this - I'm on my second baby now (ever so slightly older than yours, 10 weeks!) but I felt like this constantly with my eldest who was a very unhappy baby.

What I'd say is they don't need much at all other than feeding, changing and cuddles at this age - is it possible he's overstimulated/tired if he's not enjoying the activities you're doing with him? I'd focus on just lots of cuddles and a bit of chat, and try not to worry about his development - for the vast majority of human history, babies have just been along for the ride while the adults around them focused on survival.

Hope things feel easier soon - sounds like you're doing a brilliant job and it gets much easier when they get bigger and can show you clearly what they want and need!

It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job with your baby OP! Congrats on the new arrival.

As pp has said, sometimes overstimulation can be difficult to come down from.

Do you have a sling or carrier? Baby might like to just be with you/hubby while you potter about the house. You can chat to them about what you’re doing and they can just be comfy and watch/listen or snooze

edit to add - if you do have/try one it can be quite personal what they find comfy. Mine never liked the stretchy wrap but loves his ergo baby carrier for example. It can be trial and error!

@Muteswan Thanks so much, it’s nice to know you have a 10 week old!

I guess it’s hard when he is looking so terribly sad and crying, and I don’t know what to do. A friend told me babies should ideally be awake for 1 hour, then sleep for 2 all through the day, and we should actively try to get them to sleep again for the 2 hours. Is this your experience? As he sleeps well at night, I haven’t been trying to do this, though he does fall asleep at times in the day.

He may be overstimulated, but I think my confusion comes in as to how long I should play with him and how long sleep etc. If I can get that clear, I could block out periods to make sure he is getting what he needs.

I hate the idea of him lying in his Moses basket, not developing, because I don’t know what to do…

I agree it seems babies and children used to be along for the ride and I wish it was still like that! We are going to get a car in January or February, at which point I can drive him to farms and the sea (things I can get interested in, and hopefully he will like.) But in the meantime we are in an urban area that doesn’t feel very inspiring to me (ie, I can’t just take him to a forest for a walk..) .. and we are sat in the living room a lot 🤦🏼‍♀️

@FloralMoon thanks so much, I think the sling is a good idea. I’ve been hesitant as my back started to hurt, but I need to try again

@FloralMoon Yes, we just have a stretchy wrap sling. Ergo baby carrier may be the way to go…

Really do recommend trying it out - there are so many designs/fits so hopefully you can find one you’re comfortable in. I think hopefully it might make a very welcome addition to your every day.

We also got a rain cover designed for the carrier with a hood (though a big jacket that covers you both will do!) and we make sure we go for a walk in the carrier every day. It’s very nice for them to be snuggled up safely and cosy with you but still out getting fresh air

oh my!.calm down.... 8wks is tiny- whilst the first year of baby is staggering in development your skipping through alot. apart from feed/nappy bum/bath//clothes change(and mine wore nappies n gros for months-cos-footery...) you get to just enjoy baby..cuddles-sure talk to,go outside...but stimuli unrequired for now

Thank you @FloralMoon Ill definitely look into the sling.

@tolerable that sounds reassuring. I found the first 4 weeks fine as my husband was also off work. The next 2 weeks, although I was really struggling with feeling isolated, I didn’t put pressure to do extra things. The last 2 weeks (week 6-8) it became a lot harder. With our son crying and me not clearly knowing what our he needs developmentally. Plus, we were lent playmats and toys that presumably we should be using.. but I haven’t known how and he isn’t really interested. As mentioned, he is already v small, so I don’t want him to suffer developmentally as well.

Did anyone ensure they spent a certain amount of time playing a day? How long? Or did you mostly not think of it and until which age? Thanks very much

You're massively overthinking it. At this stage they're fascinated watching shadows on the wall. When they're just lying awake they're not bored, they're looking round taking everything in. Feed, sleep, lots of cuddles and they're good at that age

@Devilsmommy ok thank you. I’ve considered when he is crying it might be play he wanted.

At what age do they need this?

It's all a bit hazy now but I'm sure mine was closer to 4 months before he started being more engaged. When he's crying now just give him a cuddle after checking he doesn't need changing or feeding and I bet he's right as rain. It's scary being a mom for the first time but I don't think you need to be quite so regimented with playtime as it were. Hope little one is happy and well

Sounds like he could be tired if you're not getting him to actively nap during the day - he won't just fall asleep himself unless exhausted. At that age their wake window is about an hour/90 mins at most. When he's been awake for an hour/hour and fifteen and if he's been fed/changed I'd be trying to soothe to sleep again.
I have a four month old and she's only really got interested in toys/her playmat in the last 3 weeks or so. She did like those cards at your son's age though, and liked just being talked and sang to. You can even just sing little nursery rhymes or row your boat type songs. Singing to them is really good for their language development.

Also to add, he doesn't need you in his face 24/7 when wake. It's ok to just let him lie on his play mat or in your arms and let him look around the room while you chat softly to him for 10/15 minutes. Babies need time to just "be" and not be entertained constantly, just like you or I!
It's also really important for their physical development that they spend time on the floor (on a play mat or just a blanket) kicking their legs, waving arms, just getting used to how their body moves.

@Devilsmommy and @GreenFlamingo11 thank you so much. Your responses have helped a lot. I think because my husband manages to ease his crying by playing, I thought I was doing a bad job at it… and he needed to play more… it’s a really helpful reminder about his awake window not being that long at this stage anyway.

He is currently on the playmat wiggling and staring at the Christmas tree 🙏

@FloralMoon I also used the sling yesterday and today, which went well.

Thank you all, I was indeed getting pretty stressed 🙏

By the way, if any of you have any books you would recommend for the early baby stage, I would be glad to know xx

You sound a lot like myself in the early new born days. You sound like you have quite an important job that requires lots of planning and organising, mine is the same. I struggled with the lack of routine and (for lack of a better word) chaos that a newborn brings. There’s no rights or wrongs, routines are hard to keep to and I struggled with the lack of control and order to things. It does get easier the more you just lean into the chaos and “go with the flow”.

You sound so similar to me! We have a 12 week old and I’m a teacher and I just wanted the whole day to be structured 😂 I’m trying to learn to just embrace it and get baby to fit in with what I’m doing. We don’t have a nap schedule so he tends to just fall asleep when he’s tired. He loves his playmat with a mirror tied to the top and just stares at that. Other times he will just stare at the wall for a good 15 minutes 😂 we do read to him and he loves his bouncy chair. I’ve started using the ergo embrace carrier and it’s a game changer! I can go the shops and have both hands free or tidy up around the house and he just comes with me. He loves it! Would definitely recommend that and just wish I’d used it sooner! If you want to message then please do. I remember how stressed i was and really struggled from weeks 6-9 too x

Hey, be kind to yourself, it sounds like you are doing a great job!

At eight weeks, I had just started going to baby groups within walking distance of the house - not for the baby but for ME to see other adults. I didn't put the baby down on the floor as she couldn't play, I just cuddled her and talked to the other mums. We would go to Rhyme Time at the library or the sing along part of the local church play group (literally 20 mins each) and often my LO would sleep or feed through it!

I can't remember at what point LO started having short alert patches in the morning, and we would use those for me to read her a story or shake a rattle with her, let her have a go at gripping things... But most of the rest of the day was feeding, changing, trying to get her to nap... We would go for two or even three walks a day to help get her to nap. I would say "we're going on a micro adventure" and that would mean walking the 15 minutes to Tesco and back 😅 It's ALL new and exciting to a baby even if it's boring to us. And often the pram or sling lulls them to sleep, which is also important for them.