Is this post natal depression or am I just a horrible person

[August21yellowbaby]

I had my second child in march
It started off good for the first week or so, then he screamed constantly for about 3 months, I kept it together the whole time, maybe just the odd breakdown
He was put on dairy free milk and medication for reflux and now he never really cries
BUT I feel no bond with him. I can't believe I'm typing this but I just can't say it out loud and have no one to talk to

He is looked after perfectly, never hungry, wet, dirty or cold. Never bored, like I look after him fine. But this feeling inside it's eating away at me

I don't see him as beautiful, or even cute. I don't know why, I absolutely adored my first born. Wanted to hold him all the time and took pictures all the time. I'm not doing that with my second baby.

I don't really want to hold or cuddle him, I don't really talk to him when I think about it. I don't know if this is from the trauma of the first 3/4 months of his screaming, or it's just me being a horrible person.

When he's wingeing I just feel irritated by him, I don't rush over to console him. I've been trying some sleep training in the day for naps as he's always over tired but won't nap and this has meant leaving him to cry for a couple of minutes and I don't feel anything when he's crying

I'm not sleep deprived, I really don't know what's going on in my head. I am very low at the moment and looking into changing my anti depressants

I just feel like I don't enjoy motherhood this time around, and I feel very strong guilt

Please no horrible comments as I'm fragile at the moment and this has been hard to admit even if it's anonymously

Researchers found that mums and baby's release oxytocin when they are in close proximity, to boost this hormone you need to do more skin to skin, more cuddles, more carrying around even if you don't really feel like it. So get a sling and have him on you for part of the day. Instead of sleep training right now lay next to him. Boosting the bond is more important right now than sorting out naps.

And yes, I'd probably go talk to the GP too.

Of course you're not horrible. You're taking good care of your baby and you're concerned for him.

It sounds like you're not enjoying anything very much. Your style is low affect and I agree that perhaps you're depressed. I would track your sleeping, appetite and see the doctor.

You know what to do to nurture that bond. The eye contact. The cooing. That tactile affection. Can I suggest you set a timer and do this intentionally at least twice a day. When you are looking back, you can know that you did these things. It doesn't matter if you made yourself.

Don't bother feeling guilty. This isn't your fault and you have a whole life time to get it right and wrong with this child. Also, the cries are less alarming the second time around.

This is the most important part. Can you find whatever source of childcare open to you, even if it's just half an hour, and go and do something that you used to enjoy. Even if you don't like it now or don't think it's worth it. This is the most effective way to get out of what you're going through.

Pnd can cause a lack of bonding op, I’d advise you to speak to your doctor asap. Get this investigated and sorted, don’t mess about with the carrying your baby about first.

I don't know about this. Some women need a break.

@Entertainmentcentral they may well do, however if OP wants to build the bond, chemically and biologically this is how it's done. In men they get the same hit of oxytocin through play and it doesn't happen the other way around. It's not to do with sex based stereotypes it's literally how the brain works. I'm not saying she can't ever put him down but for the short term she and baby need a boost of oxytocin to bond and this is how you get it.

OP doesn't have to rearrange her entire day and parenting ethos on the say of a random from the internet, but it is something to consider.

I felt quite disassociated from my baby at first for various reasons. Now I have a very strong bond with him. 2 things enormously helped. 1) carrying him in a sling. I did it for practical reasons, not because I thought it would release oxytocin. But it ABSOLUTELY helped us bond. And 2) I confided in my midwife and health visitors and got referred for parent-infant psychotherapy. I didn’t miss a week. These two things helped. It’s not as simple as go to your GP and “get fixed”, you’re developing a relationship and that is a process.

My advice to OP is definitely to get some external help. But I wouldn’t rubbish the ideas of the poster who mentioned the sling as if it’s total batshit. It did help me, alongside other things.