I don’t know what is wrong me. I think I need help. I feel so lost. I have two under three. I have moved out of the city to a new location, and with all the responsibilities of motherhood, I cannot do my previous job, I have no work contacts here, I had been self employed for years, so it’s not like I can just start applying for jobs. I feel like part of me has been erased. I love my kids, but being a stay at home mum 7 days a week is so tough. I want to retrain and I will start it soon, but I need cash to get started - DH says he is supportive, however need to wait on finances. And also childcare, as I have a 1 year old, who is not yet at nursery because if I am not working I don’t think it’s needed. He has a good routine at home and we go to playgrounds. He’s still so little. There’s no nursery places for under 2s anywhere decent near me either. So would be nanny or au pair. It feels like so many hurdles to get back to work. My husband has his own business and earns good money - things are a bit tough financially on one wage with a big mortgage but things will get better over next couple of years. His earnings mean we cannot get any free nursery hours. Sorry for the detail but I just wanted to give a bit of background. The main thing is I am feeling really shit. Like with my mental health. My husband works all the time, often away - and whilst I do think it will get better - with two little kids, no family around, every day is exhausting. I do have a lot of fun with the kids. I am 42, so I had my kids a bit later in short succession. I feel like I am still recovering from pregnancy, birth, those new born months, lack of sleep. I also had a really bad sleeper this time around. I have put on so much weight, I have lost over a stone just recently and look/feel a lot better but still have so much more to lose. I have also had to go no contact - from low contact - with both my mum and dad in the last 2 years. I am proactive about my mental health, I have had a lot of therapy in the past, I am able to do a quick meditation most mornings, don’t drink really, don’t spend time on social media anymore, take supplements, do yoga once a week and hoping to do more once I have sorted childcare. I also just started taking Mounjaro, the side effects have been mostly ok but recently I am so achy. I am wondering if I have a vit d deficiency or a thyroid issues. Or is this perimenopause or post partum depression? Periods are regular but are so painful now. Ovulation is painful. My fertility is good, I got pregnant with my 2nd really quickly. I just feel like part of me is missing or has been erased. I have got everything I ever wanted in life, on paper it all seems perfect. I have had a fun life - exciting jobs, lots of travels, lots of partying, friends and partners - now I have moved somewhere else, started again, had two kids in three years, haven’t had any free time in years, and not much sleep either. Plus I am so enchanted by the love I have for my kids. It’s so much to just process and understand that growing, new type of love everyday. It’s all so bewildering and I don’t know what to do next for the first time in my life. I don’t feel I have much options but to ‘just’ be a mum and be the best I can be. So when I am having a bad day and not being that I feel like such a failure. I have a lot of fun with my kids, I would just like a bit more variety. My job and work were so wrapped up in my identity. I wasn’t always amazing at it but I have had experiences that have made me who I am today. I didn’t fully like who I was before, I like who I am now much more. The time before motherhood feels so obsolete. So meaningless in some ways, compared to now. I have lost a lot of people in my life. But I have gained so much; love, safety, and ultimately the peace that I craved. I left my old life behind and I am fully into starting a new one. It’s exciting and also fun whilst being extremely exhausting and dull. I feel like I should be happier than I am. I think I am just really struggling with getting my needs met and being so selfless. I had years of being selfish. I feel so discobulated.