Sadness over LO not playing with me

[Mumtobe202310]

Hi All,

this is going to sound silly to a lot maybe but I hope you can understand me.

I am a first time mum and had a hard time mentally during pregnancy due to anxiety and birth was a fast traumatic one which I was deffo not prepared for it being fast etc and then midwife putting her hand up me to help take placenta out only on gas and air all left me dazed and I felt so out of mind and body that I felt like I blacked out a lot during labour and cannot recall so much, actually majority of it only seconds I remember. Anyway, I developed PND shortly and I am now reffered to counselling.

I have read to my LO since he was maybe 3or 4 months since I wanted to bond with him and he loved it and also whole growing over the months he started to show more interest. Then he got into toys and we played together etc like lego and puzzles etc.

Recently, I feel like he doesn't look at me much or hold eye contact for long. It makes me feel upset thinking he is happy to just play on his own. He can't say many words yet he says Amma and Abba but i don't think he knows it means me and DH I think he says it as a sound he is aware of.

I'm all okay with that and him not being able tk say other words yet doesn't worry me because I know each child is different and gwor at their own pace. However, the lack of eye contact and also him being content playing on his own a lot makes me feel upset. It makes me think did I unknowingly make him upset with me by propping him in front of a screen to watch miss rachel etc while I do cooking and housework etc or could he sense nights where I've cried so much, even while I was just breastfeeding him so peacefully and me crying could he sense this and now he wants to avoid looking at me? Gosh this sounds ridiculous to write. He however smiles to me and comes to me suddenly out of nowhere and seeks me out from kitchen when he is with DH. It's just I try hard to make him see me so he can look at what I'm saying when we play to encourage him to talk etc and he doesn't look at me much so it makes me sad.

Byt, yeah, does anyone have any advice please on how to stop this feeling because it's horrible and I don't like it at all. I love him so much and to be so silly to feel like my child isn't happy with me is causing me to feel crazy

How old is your little one? He sounds young, and babies/toddlers don't play with other people. They explore their world and see how things work, but they don't play games with you as such. What sort of things are you trying to get him to play? Gently, I think you are hugely overthinking this. He sounds like an inquisitive little boy who is happily getting on with things.

I didn’t have PND and I am the main care giver to my 9 month old as my partner works away a lot. He doesn’t ‘play’ with me he plays with his toys as in he whacks them and tries to work them out. He likes to be cuddled only when he’s tired and needs help getting to sleep. Babies of this age don’t show proper affection, they will want their mum when tired/hungry/ in pain etc because you represent safety, food and comfort. babies aren’t capable of thinking they ‘love’ or ‘don’t love’ their mum. If I was you I’d be glad he’s happy entertaining himself!

Rather than trying to redirect his focus onto you, just join in whatever game he is playing (eg building Lego, splashing water, throwing balls) and share that experience together. Young kids don’t focus on playing together how adults or even older kids do. It’s all about sensory exploration rather than relationship building. Don’t forget also that kids have extremely short attention spans, like less than two mins, so don’t expect to sit and enjoy a whole book or play a whole game of something.

Your LO physically can’t give you the reassurance you are seeking. He is too little. Don’t pressurise him and make yourself mad by trying to get him to “see” or acknowledge you. Be confident that you are mummy, and that means to your LO you are safe, you are comfortable, you are nice and you give them confidence to go and explore. Which is exactly what you and he should be doing!

It sounds like you might benefit from counselling to work through the traumatic birth and your anxieties.

Key information missing, how old is your child?

How old? Younger toddlers tend to play independently or alongside others rather than with anyone, they're busy exploring and working things out. They also have short attention spans!
Depending on age if you're worried about lack of eye contact and speech you can speak to your health visitor or gp

You sound like a great mother who is trying to do everything right because she cares so much - everything you've said sounds normal and not a case of being your 'fault'. I wonder if it comforts you to know that it's not even up to approx 9 months that babies realise their mother is a separate person to them? I also had PND and cried during many a breastfeeding session - it has had no impact whatsoever on the great bond I have with my children (now primary age), so please try not to worry (easier said than done, as the baby stage is so tough!)

you all are so kind, and thank you so much for the understanding 🥹

So sorry, my LO just turned 12 months September 28th

Reading the replies were reassuring and I will try and keep the replies in mind! I really appreciate all these lovely messages once again so thank you app again xxx

Your little one is only beginning to explore and learn they are not part of you. Solo play is very typical for another while yet. Though in the next year they may engage on modeling play to you.

At a year old your baby isn't capable of playing with you so don't worry

Oh he's very much just a baby! His understanding will be coming along though, so as well as just giving him fun things to explore like those crinkly silver survival blankets or sand, "games" you can start to do are things like rolling a ball to him (he may or may not roll it back, he might just pick it up and try and eat it 😂). But you'll see him starting to look at you for the ball arriving. For reference, my oldest is nearly 3.5 and he's only just starting to play actual games with other kids. When you think about it group play is incredibly complicated - everyone has to understand the rules and have the self control to follow them, take turns doing something and be interested but not obsessive and wanting to dominate the game. But going to the park and chucking leaves around together is something he'd probably be well up for!