Hate the newborn stage - is this normal?

[dune2003]

My DD is 3 weeks old and I can’t say I’m enjoying motherhood so far.

I had forceps and episiotomy when she was born, plus PP blood loss which made me really unwell and my DH did everything for the baby for the first 2 weeks. I then had mastitis in both breasts due to the baby not latching properly and gave up BF after a week.

the traumatic birth, recovery, inability to BF all added to my feelings of inadequacy as a mother and daily feelings of overwhelming and sadness. I also feel like I haven’t fully boded with the baby and felt that rush of instant love yet.

Im finding it all very dull and wishing the days and weeks away until she’s older. My HV feels like I have a bit of PND - I feel void of any feelings and emotions, have stopped eating and can’t think further than getting past the present day.

Is it normal to not enjoy this stage? Everyone is telling me to “soak it up while it lasts” which I can’t do. My husband and mum both remark by how gorgeous and contented she is which adds to my guilt as I’m finding it all so difficult.

i already mourn my previous self as i feel like a totally different and sad person.

I was just the same. It was awful and I hated it and then hated myself for not ‘loving every moment’. I probably did have PND. I wish I had got some help.

It got better for me. Very slowly. Now I have 7 year old and it’s just the best! He’s funny and interesting and I get a full nights sleep and have full autonomy over my body.

it will get better.

This is how I felt too.
Traumatic birth, c section, infections, couldn't breastfeed, baby had a couple of issues. I never felt the pang of love people talk about and I also felt very overwhelmed and claustrophobic. I cried a lot for a number of months.
But then somewhere along the way it all started feeling better.
My baby is one this month, sleep regression In full swing. I managed to get him off to sleep at 9 and I was smiling to myself thinking what a joy he has been tonight singing, playing and laughing.
It's hard being a parent and nobody tells you that but you're not the only one who feels like you do and I promise you it gets better! Can the health visitor offer you any help?

You’re exhausted and have been through a huge physical and emotional change! Don’t think too deeply about this - it’s a short phase and it’s ok to find it tough. Look after yourself and it will get better - eat well, rest, get outside, take time for you where you can. Don’t worry!

I also want to say that lots of women hate it and they don’t have PND. The baby stage is gruelling and many mothers I know much prefer their older children.

This! I hated the baby stage and didn't have PND. I enjoy my DC more the older they get.

I had PTSD after a traumatic birth and it sounds like you might too. I didn’t recognise myself anymore.

What you’re going through is a totally natural reaction to the trauma. I’d recommend talking to a therapist asap, accepting as much help as possible and really hold on to the belief that as everyone will say, roll on a few weeks when your baby is smiling and giggling and doing lots of cute things and that bond will come!

I don't particularly like babies. For both my DC, I've enjoyed parenting much more after the first year.

The newborn stage is so unbelievably shit. 18 months onwards I've loved though which is better than loving newborns and finding the rest a drudge I suppose. It does sound like you need to see the gp for pnd though.

I also hated it op. Much wanted and planned for baby, but it was hell for the first 6 months to be honest. After that I started to enjoy it, and by the time she was a toddler I absolutely loved being a mum. Then had dd2 and hated it again, but it wasn't quite as bad as I had the distraction of dd1, and the time did seem to go quicker. Again, once she was toddling around it became enjoyable and I loved having two preschool age children, probably my favourite time of my life to be honest. They're both school age now, and I get so nostalgic thinking about them being toddlers, and wish I could go back in time and have one more day with them that age, but I never miss or think fondly of the baby stage! I am definitely quite maternal, and I love being a mum to children, just not babies! My sister recently had a baby, and one of the baby wipes she got out to use smelt just like the ones I used when mine were newborns, and the smell of it, gave me this overwhelming sense of doom, just the memory of being back in that stage and how much I hated it! All you can do is take each day at a time, and know each day you get through is a day closer to your baby being more independent and engaging, and it will get more enjoyable as they get older. Don't feel guilty for not enjoying it, and maybe try and get booked into some baby classes to break up the week. I found a morning of baby sensory or swimming made the day go so much faster. We ended up settled into a pretty nice routine of activities and met some lovely other mums and babies early on, which definitely helped with my sanity, and making the time go quicker. It's a complete life change and can be a huge shock to the system, best part aboutindinf some other new mums, is you're all going through the unknown together and that solidarity creates some comfort in how you feel.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby. Given the circumstances you describe it sounds to me like PND - all the risk factors are there with a traumatic birth, lack of support to continue BF etc. It's perfectly possible to resume breastfeeding under the care of a lactation consultant if you wish. It's worth getting a tongue tie assessment regardless of how you feed your baby as it can impact speech when older too.

So sorry to read other mums have gone through this.

I felt like this and then he giggled in the bath when he was 10 weeks old and my heart melted and it all felt worth it.

I had been wondering wtf I'd done and what I was going to do now. I found formula feeding really stressful because he'd be screaming for food and I'd be trying to make a bottle, hands shaking, time slowing down somehow.

We spent a lot of time skin to skin, which helped with the bonding.

Newborns are the hardest bit ime. They just sleep, eat and poo. When they get older and more interactive it's more interesting. But do try to have lots of skin to skin cuddles when they're little for both of your sakes.

Leave the housework and cooking etc to your DH.

OP it’s totally normal, I also had episiotomy and forceps and felt miserable physically for the first 4/6 weeks after the birth. I didn’t get the rush of love either, though I did feel immediately protective of DC.

Your whole world has been tipped on its head and your life is likely impacted the most. It’s so overwhelming and it’s such a huge adjustment. Don’t give yourself a hard time, acknowledge and accept the feelings are normal and they will pass. It’s so so hard when you are in the thick of it, I’m 1.5 years in and still remember those early days well.

I wished the days away and stepped through each one by the hour. Motherhood is hard even if you have an “easy” baby, and you do mourn that previous life where you can do what you want, when you want.

Make sure you eat too, it’s so important for your general wellbeing to stay fed and hydrated. It doesn’t need to be the most exciting stuff, I think I lived on tea and toast the first few weeks.

I promise you will get through this and at some point you will look back and smile at the thought of your little baby in the early days.

This is completely normal. You have risk factors for pnd but tbh I don't think that's necessarily where you are. This is just a shit stage. Especially the first time. After that, if you go for it again, it's just tedious but not terrifying like it is now.
There are some women who claim to love the newborn stage. Some of them are straight up lying because they don't want to admit that they too have felt overwhelmed, helpless and full of dread. Some genuinely do love it but they are in the minority I think.
The best thing we can do for each other is admit that we love and want our babies but we do not like this feeling of total loss of control, autonomy, sleep and self!
Just hang in there, it gets so much better,

What a rough start you have had. No wonder you are feeling unengaged. Newborn care is relentless. It will get get better but that might require some help. Maybe it's just getting to spend baby groups to connect with other mums, maybe that's talking more with the HV about other support, it might be time, or talking with your GP about medication. Your husband will need.to to step up to help care for you. Packing you a lunch box for the fridge so you eat, calling and rallying friend sand family to support you with visits or house work help.

Also trying to lean into the bonding bits of baby care for a bit of fake it til you make it. Skin to skin cuddles, baby massage, playing your favorite songs and singing while holding the baby, things that will help you and baby release oxytocin will help you feel better in the long run even if it's not feeling like it should to begin with.

Given the amount you have been through it is really hard to say. What I would recommend is staying in touch with the medical professionals to keep an eye.

PND can be tricky because the symptoms can mimic other perfectly expected reaction to trauma.

I hope you recover soon. Do get as much help and support as you can. You have been through a lot in a very short period of time so you need recovery time.

My experience was exactly the same as yours, c section, infection, couldn’t breast feed, daughter had terrible colic, no real feelings of love or anything. I would never have harmed my daughter but wondered what the hell had I done, is this it?

I went to the Drs about my daughter, she was 6 months old and had a very bad cold and cough, I broke down, crying my eyes out. I explained to her that even though I was looking after my daughter and doing everything I should do I just wasn’t enjoying any of it and was also having flashbacks of the traumatic birth, I’d been tootling along keeping up appearances.

She was lovely and arranged for a bit of counselling for me, it worked wonders. I’d been having flashbacks of the birth and everything that didn’t go to plan, I’d say it was like PTSD, that was 28 years ago. After the counselling I felt so much better and started to enjoy being a mum and interacted more with my daughter instead of just going through the motions, it does get better, have a chat with your G.P, try a bit of counselling, it was a great help for me. All the best, it does get better 🤗

New born stage can be utterly shite. And no one has the same baby as you. I've had 4. Some are easy. Some are hard. Lack of sleep is a form of torture. Child birth however it looks is brutal. And breastfeeding in my opinion is the cause of a lot of postnatal depression and mum guilt. Great if it works. Awful if it doesn't. And being made to feel like you're feeding your baby crack if you go to formula.

Take every day as it comes. Go and see GP. And (if you choose) get some meds for a hand hold if you think you need something to get you through. I did.

How are you op x

Just jumping on this as I'm currently sat cluster feeding my 8 week old and I still don't feel this deep bond or love for my baby. I met with some of my mum friends last week and they were going on about how magical the newborn stage has been for them. I absolutely hate the newborn stage and can't see anything magical about it which I feel sad about as I don't want to look back on this time and feel like I ruined what should have been special. I had a traumatic birth too OP with episiotomy and severe blood loss so I guess that doesn't help when you put sleep deprivation and trying to establish breast feeding in the mix. I totally get how you feel and I hope things have got better since your post

I really hated it too! I was sore, fat, exhausted and terrified of doing something wrong. The days were long and the nights even longer. Now DD is 2.5 and life is colourful once again.
Don't feel bad for not liking it. Just get through it as it does get brighter as the months go on.

I had a similar birth trauma / feeding difficulties with my first and while. I enjoyed the magic, it was really tough. Got easier with every week though and eventually think I found more balance when I returned to work. Went on to have a second and while I made the best of the baby stage second time round, it's not my favourite. My kids are primary age now and I love it. Hang in there.

Sorry, only just saw this! Yes, I am much better thank you. Something 'clicked' around 4 weeks. Totally healed now and enjoying each day with my lovely 3 mo!

Oh I really do feel for you. I am much better now, physically and mentally, thank you.

Tbh, the first few weeks were a bit of a blur! The bond and love for my baby slowly clicked around 4/5 weeks, I think it was around when my DD started smiling.

I think the worse for me was how weak and out of breath I felt doing everything, from the anemia, which slowly resolved itself after taking some liquid iron. When I had energy I felt like everything slowly started to get better and I was doing more with the baby independently.

I did give up BF after the mastitis and my DD has been EFF since then. I will say that made me feel a lot better mentally and physically. I was incredibly guilty for a while but now don't give it a seconds thought. I'm not encouraging you to quit BF at all, i'm just saying that helped me as I really did struggle on top of everything.

I can say from experience that it will get better, I promise. For me it was when my DD was less like a sleeping, pooing and crying potato and more like a smiling, happy little baby who has just started laughing!

I hope things start getting slowly better for you!

Really needed this thread today! Feeling the same as you felt and hoping it gets better with time x

Hate, hate, hate the baby stage! Mine is 18 now and every stage since then has been better than the baby stage.