Dear Mumsnetters,
Hope you're all well.
Just a few minutes ago I had a cry. I tend to stay very disassociated with myself so I don't feel things as much but I read a poem and it set me off.
I struggled mentally through pregnancy and birth and post partum.
My son is now 10 months old.
I honestly cannot remember a lot about first few months at all.
I have a lot of trauma from childhood but boy this trauma during birth and after wrecked me inside out.
I have health issues and each day is a struggle for me. I actually avoided having a child for many years due to the fear of my health because I always seemed to have issues that I thought how the hell will I look after a baby if I cannot look after myself. Pregnancy was the best physically because my health was perfect. After it was down again.
Now my LO is 10 months. He still needs to be rocked to sleep and sometimes nursed to sleep.
Thing is, I cannot recall me rocking him to sleep ever when he was a baby. my husband did that. Also, as a baby he slept through the night pretty much.
Now that I'm a bit more stable I rock him and think wow I cannot recall doing these for you when you were a baby. Even now I cosleeping and breastfeed him during the night while I'm sleeping too and won't remember it. Like I ask my husband how many times LO woke and he would say 2 or 3 and he usually puts him on me to feed.
I feel so guilty because I can't open my eyes and be present when middle of the night or early mornings he feeds. I feel so so sad, because this time won't ever come back. I do remember crying many nights stroking his face and kissing him but that's different to being present middle of nights when he needs my comfort if that makes sense.
Some days even now I find it hard to change his nappy middle of the night. Some mornings I have woken up and the nappy was so full... it breaks my heart.
We play together, read books, sing songs, I try cook homemade food whenever I can, we sing with miss rachel, sometimes we go out with my friends thank goodness for them.
I feel so so guilty and ashamed at myself. At times I even feel and tell myself internally that he deserved better, he shouldn't have had me as a mum. I love this boy so much. Despite whatever hardships came before, I feel like it was all worth it as it brought him to me. Like everything came together. I just am falling apart at feeling like I am not being able to do justice to the role of a m despite feeding, clothing, bathing. cleaning etc because I find myself comparing to what I see others do for their children. Most importantly not being able to be fully present at all times makes me feel sad but I know it's impossible to be fully present all the time. But I would like to be more present, while struggling with health conditions.
Background to health conditions: I had head trauma couple occasions since last year, even developed tinnitus as a result and I have had mris done which showed nothing but head pain is still there and feeling of pressure in head and tinnitus is always there too so I really do struggle.
Please, if anyone has any words of hope or advice or experience to offer, please do.