I regret having my baby

[icantkeepdoingthis]

I had two children, divorced and met someone 7 years ago with no children. I had always liked the idea of 3, but after 4 miscarriages in 5 years I had slowly got my life back as my older two got older. I was so happy to find out I was having our third baby, but he has been so difficult since he was born, reflux, doesn't sleep, tantrums and generally destructive. I'm 13 months on now and I regret having him everyday. I do everything I have to do as a mother and have small moments of calm where I do love him, but generally I resent him for not letting me have time of my own and time with my older children. I just don't want him and I know how horrid that sounds

Hugs

I'm so sorry you feel like that. It's sounds like you're in a really tough place with it all. Did you go back to work after maternity leave? Does your child go to childcare at all?

Would you consider reaching out to your Health Visitor for support?

No I haven't gone back to work. I hated my job and childcare was more than I was earning. I had been made redundant from a really good job and had to take a job with a massive pay cut then found out I was pregnant. I don't even think I'm mentally well enough to go back to work and I would still have as much to do at home when I got back so life would be even more of a juggling act than it already is. Husband has an injury that affects mobility, so his help is limited, he also works long hours at home, but he does do what he can.

I'm under perinatal support and have been since December, but I just feel the same. I feel like this as he's a hard baby and I don't get enough sleep. All I can do is ride it out, but I feel that process is damaging my bong with him

This sounds really rough, and I resonate a lot. My (now 2yo) had colic, cried solidly for 8 months, barely slept and it was just terrible tbh. I ended up going on antidepressants and they just took the edge off enough, might be worth considering if you're not already on them?

Do you have support from friends or other family members nearby?

I also think you should go back to work, at least part time. Have a look at whether you’re eligible for any help with childcare costs via universal credit.
If that’s not possible, do you have any family or friends who could occasionally babysit for you so you can do things with your older children or just have the of break now and then?

From what you've said, this isn't just about how you feel about your youngest child - you've lost a lot of your core identity at one go, and are deep into depression.

Getting better from depression is possible for some people, but my experimce is that it requires major changes that are hard to make when ill and with your energy spread across 3 children. It also takes time.

It sounds like you've never actually recovered from the grief/loss you experienced following your redundancy. I hope you can feel proud that you sorted yourself out with another job, and then, you've found a new role as a full time mum. So you've tried 2 things since your original job was taken away that arent working for you. It sounds like it's time to try another new thing, if you can find the energy.

Agree with this. You are bored, under stimulated and not using your skills- of course you are depressed. Suck up the financial loss, your health is way more important.

The job I was made redundant from I didn't love, it was just good money and easy money at that. I have been retraining the last 3 years and do want to work in the field I have been training in which is mental health related, but I do not feel mentally strong enough to even consider that again. I honestly have no desire to go back to work in HR which is what I was doing. I want to be a stay at home mum and have been desperate for this. I don't want to leave my baby, I just also struggle to be with him. It's so hard to explain the needing and being desperate for a break, but also not being able to leave him. I have taken antidepressants before but they had no effect on me even after trying 4 different types. My life was going so well before I had him and I was so happy and now I feel miserable all the time. My psychologist has said she thinks I have adhd and I am awaiting assessment (6 year wait) and that I am over stimulated a lot of the time

No, it’s not hard at all to imagine the not wanting to leave your baby but also being desperate for a break. I’ve lived it too. If you’re feeling like that all day everyday then it’s not a good balance for you. Figure out a way to get a break and you will enjoy more of the time you spend with your baby. And yes, you will miss them when they are not with you too. But overall having a bit of time off being with your baby will improve your mood. Leave your baby with someone you trust, even just for a few hours, and go and do something for yourself. A coffee. A mooch round the shops. A run or a swim. Watch a film. Do the food shopping alone. Whatever you like that.

Six years is a long time to wait for an assessment. Can you ask your GO to refer you under right to choose?

If they do think it's ADHD have they given you any strategies to try and cope?

I'm trying to get assessed. Things like meditation and physical tasks help me, whether that's running, yoga or sweeping the patio. It's really hard to get motivated sometimes though.

Have you thought of an ASD life coach too?