How are you supposed to bond with a baby who cries constantly?

[August21yellowbaby]

My 11 week old has cried pretty much since he was born. I'm at the doctors with him at least twice a week and a&e 5 times.

He's on amino acid based milk for suspected cmpa and has also just started omeprazole

He doesn't actually have cmpa symptoms or reflux symptoms his only symptom is constant screaming

He still screams like a baby who's just been born, that ear piercing scream, he never has a normal baby cry that I hear other young babies do

I try my best to bond with him, but I've started to realise it's not possible when all he does is scream. It's made me dislike his names now because I'm constantly saying his name trying to calm him down and I don't see holding him as enjoyable because it's always when he's screaming

I've tried to book multiple baby classes to do with him but we never make it inside because he's screaming too much

It's got to the point now where I openly admit I don't enjoy being his mum and I'm missing out on my two year old which makes me resentful.

I don't really know what else to do, I can't even comfort him so he doesn't seem to have bonded with me either

@HansHolbein I’ll send you a message privately if that’s ok but thank you <3

@Enjaybee Of course, no pressure x

I'm a few days late since you posted but I didn't want to read and run. My little boy cried constantly for weeks on end once we got out of hospital. It was soul destroying. It turned out he not only had silent reflux but he was also not latching properly so he was literally starving hungry. The guilt that came with that nearly destroyed my mental health and I was so broken. I am not saying this is the same for you obvs, just that there is a reason so please don't despair and feel resentful but I understand so much how it chips away at you. My GP tried to fob me off with colic but I refused to accept that and pushed for Omeprazole. He was like a different baby once it kicked in and it made so much difference for him. Hang in there and keep pushing your GP for help and answers. Big hugs.

@HansHolbein Thank you so much for writing down your memories and giving such good advice.
My children are now 21 and 19, but I remember those feelings of isolation and frustration so well.
It is so easy to feel as if you’re the only one going through this, but you’re not.
Keep talking and always ask for help.

@HansHolbein

For some reason it won’t let me anyway. It’s just a very sorry story.

My daughter is 7 months old now. The longest I’ve ever left her is an hour and she cried the whole time. She has the worst separation anxiety and will cry if I am visually out of her sight even if I am still in the same room or she can hear me. Lots of times she will just cry unless I am holding her. She will not be comforted by anyone else and she has been like this largely since she was born. One of her great aunts managed to settle her when she was 4 weeks old once.

I don’t have a huge amount of family support - no parental on my side and limited on my partners side. They will visit but will not really pick her up as they say their arms will be tired or that she cries too much and just wants me because she wants to wriggle or stand. My partner will try for 15 minutes here and there and is a help with my 3 year old.

I also have a 3 year old who is amazing but quite naughty as this age is. An easy baby though who napped like clockwork and was happy to go with others. Still a great sleeper - down at 8pm and no sign of them til 6am earliest.

it’s particularly bad at the moment because we just had every parents worst nightmare come true. I tripped and fell holding my little one and she broke her femur. I will never ever forgive myself for it, although it could have been worse I know on a hard floor. She has a cast for 4 weeks now and is coping so so well with it and the hospital were amazing but it did not help her sleep issues at all. She has not slept more than 2 hours in a row for at least 3 months and will often wake for over an hour each time, only wanting me. She screams. And I don’t mean cry, she screams. The hospital asked if she wanted some morphine for the pain at one point and so I demonstrated that she can be comforted by literally resting my face on her face. I don’t mind to do this if it is what she needs to feel safe but I am so beyond tired. I am frightened I am becoming increasingly clumsy from the sleep deprivation and maybe a bit depressed and that I won’t be able to care for them properly eventually. Oh she also has chicken pox and is getting her top two teeth in the mix so I do know we are in a particularly bad spot.

We came home yesterday and she slept a total of 6 hours in 24 hours. Up through the night absolutely wired and thrashing her arms about. This morning, as an absolute last resort, I put her in her own room and tried letting her cry a minute then checking on her after reading your post. She cried for 10 minutes with two check-ins then slept for 2.5 hours (as did I!). It feels wrong to start putting her in her room when she’s so vulnerable right now but also that’s the most she’s slept in weeks. I don’t know what is the right thing any more I just want her to be comfortable and rested. Especially so she can heal well.

I’ve also just put her in the baby swing today and she is definitely more contented for it for ten minutes or so.

Basically this is just a ramble that we are having a super hard time and I know that it will pass but there is only so far that knowledge can carry you. I’ve googled everything I can think of, I’ve tried telling health professionals that she’s so unsettled and about the jerkiness. No one seems very interested. But at least with 2.5 hours sleep now I can face today.

@August21yellowbaby

Hang on in there. @HansHolbein 's advice is great.

You can only act, you can't control your baby's response.

My DC is now mid-twenties but at about 6 weeks I considered dropping him. I was so desperate. It stopped when I gave him double the recommended amount of formula - he was hungry.

Not saying any of my experience is good advice, just saying you are not alone, you will find a way through and it will pass, I promise.

I have been in this situation with my first (and sometimes with my second). I was totally bowled over and not in a good way. It shot my confidence (generally and as a mum) to bits and sleep deprivation didn’t help with that. Sleep deprivation whittles away your ability to think clearly and problem solve.

The best things I feel I did to help the situation and get through it were:

• make sure your husband helps out
• ask for help from family and friends
• co-sleep (look up safe co-sleeping guidelines)
• make sure baby has regular naps as overtiredness makes everything worse for baby (I got into that trap) - and remember amount and length of naps needed changes over time - just to keep you on your toes 😖
• lower standards on house
• get partner to batch cook on weekends
• eventually get both kids out for fresh air / walks as much as possible, or outdoor time/play (easier said than done in the early days)
• check for reflux with doc if you can but don’t be surprised if it’s not that
• breastfeed (if you are breastfeeding) if that quietens baby, or use a dummy. You cannot over-feed with breast milk and often they just want comfort from it which restores calm
• babywear or carry baby as much as you can - they often just need close contact to feel safe. You can’t spoil them. I would read to my toddler or do jigsaws with him whilst breastfeeding or just cuddling baby. Or sometimes just watch kids tv with him
• remember it will pass and to trust your instinct in the meantime. It will come good. Keep going

Have you had your baby checked over by a chiropractor? There are loads of videos on YouTube of chiropractors helping unhappy babies who have no symptoms other than constant crying or grumpiness because they’ve been knocked out of alignment during birth. It can knock the gut/brian axis out if the spine is out of alignment, causing tummy trouble. (Same as in adults). There can be signs like arching their back in pain, always preferring to look to one side or looking a bit twisted, but often it’s not obvious at all.

@FloraBotticelli I took her to a cranial osteopath just after she was born. Did the same with my 3 year old as they were both quite big babies born quickly. They said she had no issues although she has always been very tense but that was likely due to being constricted at the end for lack of room before birth. She rarely snuggles in for a cuddle and will make herself rigid. She also will scissor her legs and rub her feet together often. I have googled this in to infinity and I’m aware these can be signs of cerebral palsy etc etc. I’ve asked if this is normal (not signposting CP obvs as google doctor is always extreme) but no one seems concerned and just say she is a ‘very strong baby’. I also think she has had some silent reflux and I am trying gaviscon with her at the end of each day. I’ve just put her down for her second nap and again tried letting her cry a small amount and she is now asleep. I’m about to wash my hair for the first time in over a week!

I could have written this myself 2.5 years ago - baby had extreme colic and reflux / CMPA it was DREADFUL i genuinly hated being his mum, i HATED it. He screamed none stop and i wished every single second away, i had bad pnd. Fast forward it did get better when he was around 6-7 months old- and i know that is not helpful to you now. But the older he got i absolutely loved it, do love being his mum.

I am 3 weeks pp now… and let me tell you my ptsd is really bad with this one from my first born screaming, when he cries i instantly cry and feel in despair.
Having an unsettled baby is really hard, and until you have one no one understands. It can feel so lonely and isolating and literally like you have ruined your life.

I can promise you, you haven’t. It really WILL get better, this is the only reason i have had another. Because i know it does. I am one of the people that would parent a toddler 1000000x over any day than a newborn, im not afraid to say now this is not my favourite stage, but i know brighter days are coming and in months to come it will get better.

If you ever need to chat, feel free to private message me, always here.