Hi there,
Wow you sound just like me nearly 12 years ago! You’ll have to forgive me though as I am very out of the loop and have no idea what current attitudes or guidelines are..
Our son was just over 2 when our daughter was born. He was so easy. No trouble at all. Just fed and slept. Piece of cake.
Our daughter came and….. fuck me. It was awful. Pretty much from the day we got home from hospital (day 2?) she cried and cried and cried. She would want to feed pretty much every hour around the clock. I could never put her down as the screaming would start. I remember that high pitched scream too.
I was so tired. I gave up sleeping in the bed as we were waking everyone up. I slept on the sofa with her on my chest laying vertically. I had my top off the whole time so that she could feed when she needed. I was never really asleep. I’m pretty sure I watched every Road Wars programme known to man.
The tiredness was overwhelming. By the morning I would be shaking with tiredness. My legs would buckle when I was standing up. I would have to take the pushchair into the bathroom when I could eventually have a shower and keep talking to her.
As time went on it got so bad that I even said to my husband I didn’t want her anymore and that I wanted her to be adopted. I can unfortunately see how some parents do snap and end up shaking their baby. Of course I never hurt her but I can see how people suddenly lose it. The screaming, the tiredness, the feeling of failure as a mother who can’t comfort her child was insurmountable. I got very angry. The screaming and tiredness will do that to you. I felt so bad for my son, too. I think he lived on quavers and ready meals for a short while.
Like you, I did got to the GP many times who were spectacularly unhelpful. I was told it was colic and/or CMPA. Colic of course is a symptom of something else so that wasn’t really helpful.
I then thought my milk wasn’t filling her up so we tried formula; made no difference at all. I stuck with breastfeeding and tried to cut out as much dairy as I could. I tried all the over the counter colic stuff. Nothing really helped.
My house was a total disaster. I couldn’t look after my son properly. I couldn’t do much at all apart from try my best to stop the screaming as much as I could without losing my shit.
It got to the point that I realised there really wasn’t much I could do. There wasn’t any help for us from the NHS. We were left to our own devices.
I think it got to about 8 weeks and I put her in her own room. I couldn’t deal with it anymore.
I decided that if she was fed, clean, warm and cuddled that’s all I could do. My whole family was suffering and I just couldn’t deal with the screaming anymore.
There was one time that I was getting really overwhelmed so it was fed, clean, warm and fed. Shut the door and went in the garden with headphones and cup of tea. It wasn’t for long, maybe 10 minutes or so. You absolutely have to take yourself out of the situation from time to time. You cannot do the best job you can if you are out of your mind.
Of course she cried and I felt guilty. But I kept repeating to myself… fed, clean, warm and cuddled. Fed, clean, warm and cuddled. What more could I do? My family and health were suffering and back then nobody could help or advise us. Going by what you’ve said it doesn’t sound like much has changed. Maybe it has now? I really don’t know.
It was hard because our son was so different. We co slept and I just flopped my tit out and we both slept well. I never needed to let him cry. It was so hard to treat her in a completely different way and in a way that I didn’t really like or that came naturally to me.
Anyway.. I was meeting up a with a mum friend and she had this swing thing that her daughter didn’t really like so she said I could borrow it. It was a swing that went side to side. My god. It was a revelation. I think it had three speeds, slow medium and what I called ‘party time’ where it would swing side to side very fast. It had those bloody huge batteries. She basically lived in that swing. She didn’t even sleep in her moses basket or cot for a while. The crying pretty much stopped. I think being tilted at an angle and the constant motion really soothed her. I would bring the swing down during the day (be careful taking it down the stairs lol) and take it back up at night. I think I changed those batteries a few times a week… this is the one we used > https://amzn.eu/d/0eAiPVlo - I don’t think it’s available these days but as long as it does the side to side thing I think it should be fine. There’s probably even better ones these days.
Also, swadddling. When not in the swing she was swaddled. This really calmed her down. If you can slightly raise the moses basket mattress or cot mattress a little.. (maybe put a towel under the top section) this helped a great deal too.
Lastly a baby carrier. I used one from this brand > https://closeparent.com/collections/newborn-baby-carriers - it was a stretchy fabric one. Very comfortable and I wore her in there a lot too. She really calmed down.
Of course things were still hard, but to be honest before we started doing those things I think I was on the brink of losing my actual shit. The tiredness and noise is just too much to bear and I completely understand.
I think she was about 4 months when things really took a turn for the best. I know that feels like a lifetime away for you right now and you will be thinking that you can’t hold on that long but it will come around sooner than you think and then it will all be a distant memory. And then you might like another baby 😂 Mother Nature has this weird way of making us forget how fucking awful it was!
For me I had to let go of the guilt and realise that there was nothing much I could do (before I started using those items). Fed, clean, warm and cuddled. Remember, fed, clean, warm and cuddled. After that I put her in the swing and got on with my life. Yes she did cry sometimes. No I didn’t leave her for hours. But I had to get on with my life.
This has turned into a huge word salad ramble. I’m not advocating for anything I have said here. The advice these days would probably see what I have written and think it’s abhorrent. However, if you haven’t experienced the crushing tiredness and noise all day, every day, for MONTHS - then you can fuck off.
I promise you it does get better. Nothing lasts forever. Nothing good lasts for ever and nothing bad lasts for ever. It can’t. Time is constantly changing and evolving and you will get through this. I promise.
Please remember… fed, clean, warm and cuddled. Well maybe not too warm at the mo because it’s hot, but you know what I mean. Comfortable.
Please prioritise yourself so that you can be the best you can be. Nobody will die if you have that shower or make yourself that cup of tea or snack. Don’t let your tea get cold.
If you can outsource any help, do that. Whatever makes your life easier right now, do that.
Lastly, I am not telling you what to do, I’m not even sure it is right in this day and age; I’m just telling you my experience.
I totally understand and resonate with how you are feeling. It is long and it is lonely and it is hard but you will get through this.
I wish you the very best and sending love to you.