Feel like a failure

[Beepop22]

My baby is 5 months old and we don’t leave the house I find it so hard to fill the days because she is so fussy and gets bored easily I travelled so much before I had her (11 holidays in one year self employed) and was always outside doing something with friends etc. since having her my mental health is shit I have the WORST health anxiety , I have never suffered from mental health and my life has changed so much. I feel like a shell of myself , doesn’t help I found out I was expecting at 6 months sooo shock to the system but since having her I haven’t worked because I have no childcare. due to being single , currently learning to drive so can’t really go out and about I am not enjoying it and I feel so guilty !!! I love her so much but can’t help but feel like I have made a huge mistake, even my own mother makes snide comments ‘you need to do this’ but not in a nice way , in a judgemental way…. Even though she’s not a great mother herself. What do I do ? Some days I think if I dissapear she will be better off without me. I don’t believe in myself that I can do this. I can’t even motivate myself to take a walk even for her sake ffs !! Which is foreign to me because before I had her I was never at home EVER! Now I’m too anxious and lazy to walk to a corner shop. It’s ridiculous and I feel like there is no way out!

You poor thing OP, please stop judging yourself! It must have been incredibly shocking to find out you were pregnant at 6 months. Go to the GP and get a referral to perinatal mental health services. They will see you quickly and you'll probably be offered therapy and medication which will help a lot.

Agree with PPs advice. It is SO SO hard and such a huge shock to anyone's system. You're doing so well. It WILL get better - it absolutely will.

Also just to add - this is how our day is spent
morning - wake up change clothes nappy change , play on play mat or jungle gym for 15/20 mins but then she gets bored
feed bottle
afternoon - repeat play maybe go in garden for 5 mins feed again etc then wait for her to have a nap

evening , not much at all,… maybe talk to her and try learn her to sit and roll over then bed
I do this every day…. 7 days a week and leave the house MAYBE. 1 time a month to go to a doc appointment. She even comes on my lessons because my instructor allows it.

firstly thank you for the kind words

second Yes !! Even more so the fact I was on birth control and in no way planned to have a baby so this was handed to me and well … I have to deal with it ! I honestly don’t know how I am coping , I found the newborn stage easier than this due to her now being so much more aware easily bored and whining so much!! I honestly didn’t think I had depression but I’m seriously starting to think I do, and I need help before it gets worse

Hi OP
my baby is the same age as you and honestly being in the house is the worse thing. I find that it’s really hard to occupy him in the house because he is as you say more aware but not able to ‘play’ properly yet. I know you said you are struggling to get out the house but you just HAVE to do it. You need to try and meet other Mums, that’s what I did I went to a sensory class and made friends with 3 Mums there. This then led to meeting more people, there isn’t a day now that im not invited to something or have something to do with him. Like you I have thoughts of my ‘old life’ but I really believe you need to throw yourself into it and try to accept your new life and it will get better. Old me would have cringed at some of the things I do now but you need to just go for it.

I find being in the house harder then being outside. When my baby was in the pram we was constantly outside so that he had external distractions. I found some lovely walks where he could nose around (liked being sat up and looking around in the pram) or sensory rooms and baby classes. If your little one cries honestly no one is bothered. If you have to feed them in class then that’s fine, if they have a nappy explosion that’s fine!