I'm now 7 months postpartum. I do sometimes feel really heartbroken about the first few days and months of my son being born. I felt like I couldn't speak up about my experience as much because it would often be shut down. Long story short, I had a fast labour as a first time mum was not expecting that. 3 hour 43 mins in total.
I remember hardly anything of my birth much. I remember few parts like midwife telling me am I pushing and not to push yet etc but then hearing how I am 9cm and then wait no 10cm and then suddenly remember later on my midwife saying please hold your thighs while I am trying my best to just get through labour (my husband and midwife had to pull my legs, now in hindsight I do think why we're stirrups not even provided but that's least of my concerns after everything ?) and then I remember vague moments where they were saying for me not to shout (my husband told me I didn't scream at all btw) and then next thing I remember is baby being placed on me. Oh and the gas and air was taken off from me during pushing stage because I was so tired from so much gas and air that they felt I wouldn't be able to focus on pushing which I get.
Baring in mind I thought it was fast, the gas and air knocked me outtttt. I don't smoke or do shisha and the one time I did shisha it was not nice for me. My water broke the night before due date and then in half an hour I reached hospital and in triage they said I'm downplaying my contractions that I'm actually having a lot of them. And then they took me in to see how much I was dilated. I told them I need to pass bowel movements first so I did and thennnnn my bloody show happened and freaked me outtttt. All the signs I was waiting for seemed to happen after my water broke. And then when I was checked how much I was dilated she said oh she's 6cm dilated and I can see the baby's head. Everything was a whirlwind then.
I don't think the birth was hard comparing after birth.
I put down on my birth plan physiological way I wanted my placenta delivered.
What I remember though, is I was so lacking self of consciousness that I couldn't even see my husband cut the umbilical cord I could just hear things.
Then I remember a different midwife come in and say she needs to deliver my placenta and all I could remember is my legs shaking like crazy and me saying please no not now. She rushed me saying they are understaffed etc and I felt bad and said okay. I was still very drowsy so i remember them saying somewhere that I should get the injection and because I was so not feeling myself I said yh okay whatever kinda thing although I didn't put injection on my birth plan. I don't think it's wise for someone to get consent from someone when they don't even know what's going on!
However, next thing I remember is being out on gas and air and what felt like the midwife put her hand up my uterus and me feeling like the wind is being knocked out off me while she was saying 'I'm checking for clots' and then I had stitched done which did not phase me after how bad I felt about the placenta removal. I cannot remember much after except when gas and air was taken off from me her saying 'okay you're just having fun with it now come back after a year' and she said that 'oh and you wanted to go into theatre for this' as I do rember her saying they would need to take me to theatre if I don't allow them to do it soon or something. And then I remember me laughing and saying thank you!! Whattt why would I say that, I was very polite even while high and I can't believe that.
After few days of birth and coming home while breastfeeding I remember googling and I came across manual removal of placenta. I think that is what happened to me. Also, when I asked my husband if he saw what happened he said that they covered down there with a towel which raised my mum to have suspicions when I told her about it that why would they cover it?i enquired on mumset about my birth experience and lovely mums said to have a debrief which I did. However, the notes were so short and not detailed and when I explained how I thought that the midwife put her hand in to check my placenta for clots etc the lady doing my debrief said 'oh no I don't think that would happen, I think maybe she put 2 fingers but it felt like a hand because you just gave birth and were still sore' so till this day I don't know if I was imagining this or if what the lady said is correct.
I guess I kind of want anyone to share with me if you've experienced something like this before and will I block this out of my memory soon because I don't like thinking about it to be honest.
I'm so sorry for this long post.