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Postnatal health

As with all health-related issues, please seek advice from a RL health professional if you're worried about anything.

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Original poster

Mother in law coming for 6 weeks

15 replies

Nina90 · 27/03/2024 20:07

I am due to have my second baby in August. My eldest is 5 and will be off for the summer holidays, as will be my two stepchildren who will be spending the first 3 weeks of August with us (and then going to their mum’s).
My husband is planning to take 2 weeks of paternity leave but wants to save annual leave for a trip home (abroad and long haul) at Christmas. He and his mother have agreed that she will come and visit from beginning of August until mid September to help with the children, particularly when he is back at work. For the first 3 weeks she will stay somewhere else (but is likely to have all meals etc at our house) and she will stay with us for the remainder.
i don’t have the best relationship with her and feel that she tends to take over when in our house. Talks over me, criticises our meal choices etc to give just two examples.
I can usually just suck it up but I remember how vulnerable, emotional and exhausted I felt postnatally first time round and I’m really dreading it. I tried bring it up with DH but his response is that we will need help with the kids- which I can’t deny. As she comes from far, it also doesn’t make sense for it to be a short trip and accommodation is expensive so it seems unreasonable to refuse for her to stay with us for any of her time here.
But I still feel a bit resentful and I’m dreading it. Any thoughts or words of wisdom?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

confusedlots · 27/03/2024 20:14

I would hate that and would be dreading it. Personally I'd put her off until the baby is at least a few months old, and try and limit it to 3 weeks or so. If your eldest is 5 I really don't think you'll need much extra help and you'll be happier feeling comfortable on your own with 2 children than feeling uncomfortable with some extra help.

I had a 13 month old when my second was born and I managed fine without very much extra help, apart from DH being off for 2 weeks paternity leave.

ChardonnaysBeastlyCat · 27/03/2024 20:17

This helping is not helping at all. You don’t need someone under your feet
with a newborn.

confusedlots · 27/03/2024 20:17

Oh and if stepchildren are coming for 3 weeks then that is your DH's responsibility and he needs to take time off work to accommodate that. Your priority is yourself and the new baby in those early weeks, I'd be livid if DH was expecting me to take that on after I'd just given birth!

GrumpyPanda · 27/03/2024 20:20

He and his mother have agreed

That really says it all. Giant size red flag. Whether or not you have relatives to stay pp should be up to you and you alone. But doesn't sound like a relationship in which you are afforded the power of veto. Can you go and stay with your mum for that period?

semideponent · 27/03/2024 20:24

Talk to her? It's not in her interests or yours to have negative interactions.

Be clear: while you're with us, meals will be our way, and this is what I need. I'm so grateful for your help taking care of x.y.z (again be clear). This is a win and you can frame it to her like this: I know that's different from what you did with your children, but one thing we can give my child/ren and your grandchild/ren is a good and supportive relationship between the two of us.

Appreciate her as well: is there a meal when she could do it all her way? Agreed between you? So she gets a chance to look after you all without coming across as a critic?

FTMaz · 28/03/2024 23:23

okay so you want her help but only if she acts in a specific way?

unfortunately people are as they are…what’s worse having no help or having her stay? If the answer is having no help just suck it up and be grateful. If the latter then you need to tell your husband how you feel. Personally it would be my idea of hell.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 28/03/2024 23:41

Commiserations. It sounds like it is a done deal and I would be pretty pissed off with your husband if I were you.

Make the stepkids (and your 5 year old?) her responsibility.

Send her out of the house with them - local park, coffee shop, shopping, visiting other family. Are there any things near you that could be all day activities with a picnic such as NT etc? You might need to do some planning now in terms of possible activities which is a shame because it shouldn’t really be your problem. But it will help you when she is here.

Timeforachocolate · 29/03/2024 08:32

Can she only come near the end of your DH’s parental leave, so 4 weeks?

Kosenrufugirl · 29/03/2024 08:37

I honestly don't understand why your need your MIL at all. I had my 2nd child when my toddler was 21 months old. In the middle of the winter so we couldn't go to the park, only to some playgroups. My husband could only afford to take 1 week off. It was tough but I managed. How old are your stepchilren? You need to make a decision: whether to tough it up emotionally with your MIL or whether to tough it up physically with a newborn and some kids in tow. Even if you have a CS, most women can manage on paracetamol alone after a week at most. You are well covered by your husband's leave in this respect. I

thinkfast · 29/03/2024 08:42

Can't the MIL take the step children on a holiday for 3 weeks and leave you to look after your two?

ForestBather · 29/03/2024 08:45

I think you could make the argument that you don't need help with the children at all. I've got more than 4 and never had anyone around to help with the children (other than DH a bit at first). Many couples work it out between them. My MIL being there during this period would have been a nightmare for me.

Roselilly36 · 29/03/2024 08:46

My late MIL was absolutely wonderful and a great help to me, I loved her to bits. But honestly if you don’t get on it’s going to be more of a hindrance by the sound of things, life is stressful enough with a new baby, you really don’t need other stressors tbh. DH & MIL should never have made this agreement without discussing it with you first OP.

WandaWonder · 29/03/2024 08:50

I presume this is a culture thing, just say no

LittleOwl153 · 29/03/2024 08:57

You need to say no. You should absolutely be part of the discussion on this not just be told this is what is happening. The fact that 'd'h thinks that imposing this without your input is acceptable tells me he is not a great partner and you live somewhat in fear of him.

Is there anywhere you can go before you give birth? Your parents, family, even a space by yourself? I'd be telling him that if he won't discuss then you won't either and you have made other arrangements.

Featherlightdumplings · 29/03/2024 09:02

Yeesh op!

“He and his mother have agreed…”

^^ This is where your problem lies. Your dh has totally left you out of the decision-making process and has asked his mother to come, partly to help you, but mainly to assuage his own guilt so he can feel better about going back to work. And get brownie points from his mum presumably!

He may feel he is doing the right thing but to not consult you or take your objections seriously is really undermining. You need to talk to your dh again and say you get to say what happens too. This is your baby, you will be the one at home, and you need to manage the situation how you see fit. If he really wants to help you then he needs to listen.

Even if you really love your mother-in-law, six weeks is far too long, even when she is staying elsewhere for some of it.

Could you suggest a compromise? Does your dh have other siblings that your mil could visit during her stay in uk that would give you a breathing space?

If your dh doesn’t listen, I would make plans to go and stay with your own family during the six weeks that your mil is here.

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