Relationship postpartum..feeling rubbish 😢

[FTMaz]

Hi
I’m not really sure why I’m posting this. Looking for some reassurance or similar experiences I guess!

I have been with my DP for just over 4 years and we have an 8 week old son. I fell instantly in love with him and I am not struggling with being a Mum ( aside from the usual!)

Prior to pregnancy we had a relationship that worked for us. Both working long hours in well paid but demanding jobs. Would often see each other for and hour in the evening in the week due to both of us going to the gym after work, but this was fine as it suited us both. At weekends we would do fun things, meals out, weekends away etc and we had a very good sex life. We also went on several holidays a year. Generally when we had time together we very much made the most of it but have never been one of those couples joined at the hip.

I found pregnancy tough, pretty much being sick all the way through. I stopped going to the gym because I felt so self conscious and found the changes to my body really hard to deal with. During my pregnancy the intimacy between me and DP really dwindled. We didn’t even really hug or kiss either. I just kind of ignored it as I was focused on just getting through I was kind of in a pregnancy bubble.

However now our little one is here things are even worse. I am sleeping in the nursery as I’m EBF and my partner is up for work early. We made this agreement before I even got pregnant so I’m not resentful I just feel disconnected from him.

the worse thing though is that I feel completely unattractive and I’m worried he doesn’t see me in that way anymore. I look really different to how I did before pregnancy and my confidence has completely gone to the point I actually dread going anywhere nice. My DP is an attractive man , pre pregnancy people would comment what a lovely couple we were but now with my weight gain, no time to look after myself like I used to and not to mention my enormous boobs from breast feeding which make me look even bigger I just feel completely inadequate. Like people will think why is he with her. I know this may sound shallow but it’s just how I feel. I am also starting to think that the thinks the same.

I’ve tried to speak to him about our lack of intimacy but it never goes well. I don’t initiate things because to my mind he doesn’t fancy me but he thinks this is just an excuse when it genuinely isn’t.

we have booked a date night for the end of this month and will be staying in a hotel whilst my Mum cares for our baby. This will be our first night together since he was born.

I was raised in a single parent family and whilst my Mum did a brilliant job I would really like my son to grow up with the 2 of us. I’m worried we will split because I don’t meet his needs anymore..again I know how this sounds.

As above I’m not sure what I’m looking for from this post…maybe reassurance that things will improve! Thank you.

8 weeks is no time at all! My first child was 8 months old before life was manageable. Don't be so hard on yourself. Your husband needs to be kinder and more considerate. Does he do his fair share with his child?

Hi
thanks for the reply. I do more as he is working and I’m not, he is a good Dad I have no issue with that it’s how he is with me that the problem x

This is a really common problem and he needs to change his expectations. You’re vulnerable and recovering from childbirth. He needs to take care of you not pressure you for sex.

Is he pulling his weight at weekends and letting you have a rest?

If he’s like this I’m not sure going away together is a great idea unless you just use it as an opportunity to talk. You’ll be exhausted and he will be expecting things to happen. Do you even want to go away?

The first year is so hard after having a baby and a lot of men struggle with no longer being the centre of attention as daft as that sounds. Focus on yourself and your baby, and as for your partner he will have to get used to your new life together. He’s the one that needs to step up, not you!

Agree with PP - 8 weeks is so so early. At that stage me and my partner were utterly exhausted. We weren't intimate until around 7 months (I had no interest really until I stopped breast feeding so much). Obviously some people resume intimacy much quicker but others take longer. Oh, and 4 years on we've still never had a night together away from our child. So don't pressure yourself, things will get easier.

As I understand it you are feeling inadequate. Not because of his behaviour but mainly your postpartum body / lack of self esteem etc? If so, have you sat down with him and shared openly how anxious and negative you are feeling? Does he appreciate how common it is for women to feel the way you do? Is he assured this is a normal phase of becoming parents and sex life is not going to be hot postpartum?

If he is adamant that he doesn't feel any different about you then I think you need to address your own feelings of self worth and why they are derived so much from your appearance. You are not a sex object you are the mother of his child and life partner. You simply won't feel sexy this soon after having a baby especially if you are breastfeeding - it took me at least a year, until i gave up bf, to regain a libido.

I hear you loud and clear and this is normal!

We have two children, two boys aged 2 and a half and 4 months and mum life has shifted my whole purpose beyond comprehension.

Pre children in our relationship I earnt great money, had an amazing fitness programme and went to he gym 5 nights a week. Had great sex as I was so confident and just felt really empowered as a woman. Motherhood really took me off guard and I felt a bit ashamed at my new physical ‘larger’ self and lack of identity. Let alone my relationship feeling like it had taken a massive hit.

It is like I didn’t know how to be me? I promise you it gets better, 8 weeks is very soon after baby and you will gradually find time to do things you want and gain confidence. Be proud of your achievement of growing a human being and be kind to yourself. Men just have a very different mindset to raising babies and children and my friend always says to me “you wouldn’t ask a fish to climb a tree”.

I found that EBF just exhausted me, having massive unruly milk tits threw me off guard and I didn’t want to have this wild sex life. I value sleep, my body and my own needs including to nurture my children. So I suppose I don’t crave the same antics at the moment but even just asking my OH to help me and let me switch off from parenting is better than sex at the moment. Intimacy will return just allow your emotional, hormonal and mental self to heal ❤️