Overwhelming feeding guilt & regret

[Eyelashwishes]

I had my 2nd baby almost 6 weeks ago. To cut a long story short, I had my first baby in lockdown of 2020, the labour and birth was long but positive. However, afterwards was really tough. I desperately wanted to breastfeed but he was a very hungry baby and developed jaundice. I was advised to breastfeed then top up with formula and pump after each feed. I had to stay in the midwife unit for 4 days afterwards and very limited visiting hours meant I was alone, learning to care for a baby and very very anxious. I was getting 20 minutes sleep at a time as he would take such a long time to feed and then by the time id got him to sleep and closed my eyes myself, wed have tk start over again. My supply never recovered and my baby was such an unsettled baby. He cried ALL the time and I was so down and also cried most of the time. I was so sleep deprived from trying to feed and get my supply up that I started hallucinating. In the end, after about 6 weeks of fighting tooth and nail, I made the decision to stop breastfeeding for my mental health. I was devastated and it upset me daily for a long time. I look back now and think maybe I was depressed. We later found out he most likely had a posterior tongue tie (after being told by almost every midwife that he didn't), which also could have impacted our feeding journey.

When I found out at the start of this year I was pregnant again, I immediately thought I would formula feed from the get go just because I was petrified of a repeat of my previous experience. As the months passed, I changed my mind and thought I would just give it a go and be open to go with how I felt at the time and not put any pressure on anything. I read all the books I could cram into my pregnancy and got the numbers of all the local lactation consultants so that I could access the help I was unable to get first time around.

Fast forward to 2 days before my due date and my daughter decided to arrive very rapidly a couple of days before her due date. I was very lucky again to have a really positive birth. I did the first beastfeed and immediately felt horrible anxiety. I fed her again a couple more times and felt this way everytime. It hurt so much just like it had with my son and I really struggled to get her to latch on my own, which I know probably comes with time but I just instantly started to really panic. As she was rooting around again for another feed later in the day I had an overwhelming feeling that I just really didn't want to. I'm not sure what was causing it - whether it's due to previous bad experience and my mind just took me striaght back, or if it's some sort of hormonal reaction within my body that makes me feel that way! I was so anxious that breastfeeding stuggles wpuld impact my mental health in the same way as before and that my son would then see me in such an awful state. After a long chat with my husband and he was so supportive of whatever it was I wanted to do. I decided to stop and to formula feed from there.

At first I was really happy with the decision. My husband and I have shared the feeds, I've been able to spend plenty of time with my 3 year old (something I was really worried would be impacted) and I've felt very well mentally compared to first time round.

Recently though, I've really started to regret not hanging in there and really giving it a go. A close friend had a baby only a month before me and she's successfully breastfeeding and I just can't help but feel so sad whenever we get together. I just really wish I hadn't stopped and I feel really sad about it and can't really stop thinking about it. My daughter has been a very content little baby so far and feeds and sleeps so well compared to what my son was like and I can't help but think that this could have been a completely different experience this time around had I have just given it a chance. I know it might seem silly to some especially as it was a choice I made so only have myself to blame, but I just feel really really sad about it. I have had counselling before and know I would probably benefit from it however the wait times in my area are ridiculously long and I really can't afford to go private. I just really want to enjoy these newborn and baby days with her without feeling guilt and regret 😢

Hi OP, it sounds like you’ve had a really tough time recently, I’m here to tell you it gets better💐

you put your baby’s needs first, you’re doing great mama. You need to be well in yourself to look after baby, whether formula fed or breastfed, your baby is fed and loved❤️

I was induced with my first and my milk just didn’t come in. Ontop of that Dc1 wouldn’t latch, even the midwives who came in to help had no success. I was also devastated, the minute I got home I cried my eyes out. But I learnt that no matter what my baby is loved. She is 2 now and we have the best bond ever.

you’re doing the best you can, and that’s all that matters! It may be worth getting in touch with your GP if you continue to feel down xx

I had very similar experiences to you and similar feelings of guilt and depression as a consequence. Looking back I did all I could, did my best in the circumstances and the way I beat myself up was cruel. Of course both times I was depressed - the lack of sleep, hormones, pressure etc are a recipe for madness when things aren’t going well feeding wise. The uncertainty as well (will it work this time? Will it hurt again?) messes with your mind.

Easier said than done but you will no doubt we (already and in the future) an amazing mum. You’re doing your best. Go easy on yourself. When your children are older there will be further times when you put yourself under pressure to get things right/make right decisions etc when you would need a crystal ball to do so for sure! Those are further times when guilt and depression might creep in eg if you feel you made a bad decision.

we all just do our best in our circumstances at the time. It might be that you beat yourself up very easily and have unrealistic expectations of yourself. Things will never be perfect in parenting. We all just do our best. Please stop beating yourself up it can be really damaging mentally and you so don’t deserve it. Doing so has caused depression for me a number of times

your babies are very lucky to have you

Thank you both for you replies. I think I'm just finding it harder now she's a few weeks old realising she's a totally different baby and I can't stop thinking about the what ifs and that it might have been different with her and I just wish I'd given it a bit more of a go. The choice was taken away from me the first time and I thought that played a part in why I felt so sad. But even consciously making that choice myself this time still hasn't helped me avoid the sadness around it. I'm also finding it very hard to see and be around others who are breastfeeding which sounds a bit silly but it just makes me want to cry. Thing is, if a friend came to me with this problem I would be supportive and really believe they did the right thing fir them, so I don't know why I find it so impossible to offer myself the same kindness!

I think there's a chance, if you wanted to, to still try. You could offer her the breast for comfort, and the sucking might stimulate milk supply. I know my supply fluctuated in response to demand. Even if you ended up with a mini feed twice a day. Would you want to give that a go? Obviously bottle feeding alongside.

I'm a breastfeeding peer support worker. Our group has helped mums establish breastfeeding up to eight weeks PP. So you could contact your local team or pay for a lactation consultant to come out and help you. It might not be too late. If you Google relactation and Kelly Mom and La Leche League you'll find some information.

It's extremely common to experience guilt and sadness over feeding issues. How we feed our babies is very emotive as it's a primitive function so don't feel silly.