Difficult to be intimate with DH after labour

[AuntieAunt]

My labour two months ago ended up in an emergency C-section. Labour went on for days and in that time I must have had over 10 different medical professionals give me internal examinations. At one point I had a student midwife, midwife, sister and consultant all debate how far dilated/progress I was. One senior midwife (I had no idea who she was/seem to appear out of nowhere) give me a sweep without my consent.

Before my C-section began (I was fairly out of it before I was sedated) I had an African consultant(?)/surgeon(?) tell me he had to do an internal examination before he could begin and it seemed to last for ages. I had no idea who he was, couldn’t really see him, just a voice and him rooting around.

I used to have quite an active sex life with DH. We’ve tried DTD a couple of times recently and I can’t have him touch me. It’s an immediate turn off. I also can’t touch myself either as it just kills the mood.

DH is 100% understanding, won’t initiate anything and puts zero pressure on. I know it’s not been long since the birth but I don’t think I’ll ever get over it.

Give yourself a bit of time, it's all still confusing.

I'm sure everyone was trying to help.

Firstly, give yourself more time. Two months is nothing. Secondly, request a birth debrief appointment and they will talk you through everything that happened, you can ask questions etc.

Definitely request a debrief

OP, you poor thing! What a time you must have been through.

The thing is, you’re telling yourself to get over it and sometimes it isn’t as simple as that. You’ve gone through a huge transition to being a parent and undergone a huge operation in the process. You’re not the same person you were before you walked into the labour room, and you need to be kind to yourself because of that.

I’m going to go out on a limb, and say that what happened was not what you envisioned at all. You were put into circumstances which to be quite frank, were out of your control, and that loss of control is often key to the issues surrounding birth.

All other intimate encounters prior to this were more than likely in your purview, then you’re placed in a situation where how your baby reacts to a bodily process determines how events unfold. What say did you have in that? I’m not surprised you’re having trouble with intimacy at the moment.

Sweeps, smears, coil insertions and examinations never bothered me op. I had nurses actually comment on how unusually relaxed I was. I'm not shy at all.

A couple of months after vaginal birth I tried to have a coil inserted and I couldn't let them get the spectrum anywhere near me, my body just spasmed up very painfully before they could even get anywhere near let alone do the sounding and coil insertion.

The point being that our bodies have responses that aren't always under our control, we can tell ourselves it's all ok but the body takes time to recover and you just need to let that take its course.

I agree a debrief might help. It sounds like you felt violated and disrespected. They should have communicated the need for each examination and sought consent.

2 months? Babe, a freaking person was floating around up there 8 weeks ago. I gave birth years ago and still occasionally have to put it out my mind when I do the deed. It’s a grotesque, traumatising experience. Go easy on yourself! And tell him to keep the snake in the cage for a while!