No support, mental health deteriorating

[Hedgehogdetective]

my baby is almost 9 months old and I haven’t had a break. Is that a common experience? No relatives have babysat. Baby is breastfed and cries when with her dad. My parents can’t help. I message people saying I’m struggling or feeling low and no one replies.

im on medication and the doctors just keep increasing it everytime I call to say I feel low. I cry almost everyday. I’m signed up to counselling but it’s not been very good.

baby will only sleep on me. So I get nap trapped during the day and in bed at night I’m like a Tetris piece all bent.

I can’t do anything alone as baby just cries. I look a mess. I’ve lost several stone because I don’t have time to eat. My husband does little housework or cooking. In the evenings he goes out to hobbies.

on social media I see other mums who are out on date nights with their partners while their own mum babysits. Or they’ll be watching tv. I can’t remember the last time I watched anything. Is any of this “normal”?

Sorry to read this!
Can you express into bottle and let your husband do some feeds?

I'm sorry that you are struggling, it sounds like you are dealing with a lot!! I think it's normal for a lot of people to not have any external support, I know we don't. But your husband needs to help more. Even if it's to drop one or two of his hobbies so that you can go out for an evening. Hopefully, getting time away might help you feel a bit better whether it's seeing friends, an exercise class, family or doing something solo. Th baby is going to have to get used to him and be able to be settled by him, it might not be immediate but keep working at it.

My husband does little housework or cooking. In the evenings he goes out to hobbies.

This is the biggest problem. Your baby has two parents, one is struggling while the other is carrying on as if nothing’s changed. It’s not great your parents won’t babysit but it’s your husband who should be stepping up.

What small steps can you take to make things easier given the current set up? Why don’t you ever watch tv if that’s something you enjoy? You can pop it on which you’re feeding or hold the baby on the sofa while they nap and watch a film. Do you have a carrier you could use while you make a pile of sandwiches? Have you tried getting them to nap in a carrier?

Yes, absolutely this. It’s your husband (as your daughter’s other parent) who should be doing the most to help and support you.

Could you go out with friends in the evening, or to a cafe for a couple of hours to read a book, or to the cinema? Your daughter might cry, but she’s safe with her dad and she will need to get used to being alone with him at some point. It does really sound like you need a little bit of time for yourself.

Also, if your daughter won’t go in a carrier then it’s fine for her to cry (in a safe place) for the time it takes you to make a sandwich. You can talk/sing to her the whole time you’re doing it and put her somewhere where she can see you so she knows you’re still there. You can’t just not eat.

I am shocked. I assumed you were a single parent. Does your husband understand how ill you are? Why isn't he stepping up?! Would you consider divorcing him and then you might get a break every other weekend?

I think your husband is a major part of the problem, but given that you're depressed that's likely too big an issue to deal with. I'd focus on getting out every day (or at least most days). Find your local baby groups, breast feeding cafés, baby singalong groups, buggyfit etc and go to them. Just hang around at first don't pressure yourself to make friends the achievement is that you left the house. Go gradually and you'll find your tribe.
Good luck! The crying (yours and the babies) does end.

Will your baby nap in a buggy during a walk?

Do you have any spare cash to throw at this right now?

If so, I'd look for some paid help (mother's help, postnatal doula) who can come and take the baby out for a walk whilst you shower/eat/nap, and can be another pair of hands at home a few hours a week (or a day, if you can afford it). Even a with-it older teenager who's had plenty of experience with younger siblings could be a big help to you short-term.

Why won't your husband step up when he gets home in the evenings? You need practical help which he can provide.
I can't believe a man would come home and see his partner and baby upset and in your case hungry, and then he just walks out again to a hobby? My god.

Start combi feeding and sleep training. I bed shared and nearly went insane with sleep deprivation.

• start expressing or using formula. Introduce a bottle gradually. Only replace one feed at a time.
• baby needs to sleep independently, use the Ferber method.
• tell your husband and your family you need help.