Dear mumsnetters
I gave birth Alhamdulillah (thank God) on the 28th September which was my due date. I had so much anxiety during pregnancy (the one before was miscarriage). My anxiety was not nice at all, I at times couldn't distinguish things from reality and it took a lot of speaking to my friends crying for clarity and reassurance. May God bless them.
Due to my history of depression, I was referred to perinatal care and they were lovely and helpful.
I had so much love for my baby while in my tummy and especially after 2nd scan I fell in love even more. I was so so protective over my baby. From not eating certain foods to making sure I had good water intake to making sure I eat whenever I was hungry even early mornings I would force myself to wake up to eat thinking my baby has gone many hours without food. Sounds OCD I know but it was all out of love.
However, leading up to birth, I was awaiting signs of mucus plug, bloody show, pains etc. I had none of that. My water broke first. Followed by contractions. At first they were 5 to 10 mins apart maybe but when we got to hospital which is only 20 mins away, I was contracting more but didn't know. The midwife was telling my husband I'm downplaying it as they could see how I was contracting regularly in front of them.
Then I was taken in to be checked for my cervix dilation. Before that I went to do toilet as I had to pass bowel movements and suddenly upon wiping I saw so much blood which had me shook (turns out that was the show).
The when I got checked for my dilation while I was out on gas and air as the contractions became so frequent and stronger, I remember the midwife saying to my husband 'she's 6cm and yep I can see the baby's head' in my head I was shocked. I was still contracting and on gas and air I kept on tilting to the side of the bed cos it was so strong and frequent. I felt there was such a lack of build up.
The the rest was a blur for me. I was on gas and air in delivery room, and remember vaguely begging for epidural and also being told to hold my thighs etc and being told to push etc and was trying to focus on ring of fire etc but can't remember much. Only afterwards I found out I didn't have gas and air during pushing stage because I was too out of it and wouldn't focus on pushing. Next thing I know my baby was put on me and I was so emotional I was like wow. Thank God.
I held my baby and baby was put on me for breastfeed too. I had my husband take some photos etc. We had the azaan recited by my husband in my baby's ear too etc. But I genuinely can't remember it properly and it makes me so sad.
Then I had to deliver my placenta and that was the worse part for me even birth didn't hurt like that. My legs were shaking a lot after birth so when the lady came for the placenta part I was like no pls I don't want it and she was like I have to do it now. I let her finally and I needed gas and air for this as I felt like she shoved her hand in there looking for clots let's just say I felt traumatised after this. Then I had an injection to numb me for stitches so didn't feel a thing. This nurse I did not like at all as she made me feel rushed etc.
The another lovely nurse came and said she will help me shower but I refused as I felt so lightheaded I didn't want to do anything just sleep. She said she will give me toast and tea since I said I feel lightheaded.
I can't even remember holding my son for long at that time. I had my hubby help me eat toast and jam and tea as I wanted to regain some sugar rush to feel okay.
However I was still tired and I slept most in and out of sleep I was on the day.
I did however hold my baby and also used syringes to extract colustrum etc and attempted breastfeeding (couldn't get baby to latch) throughout the day too. But again, memory is very hazy and walking was painful (2nd degree tears and piles I had during pregnancy).
I finally brushed my teeth at 7pm that day (32 hours without brushing teeth as last I brushed was the morning of day I went into labour, I gave birth 1.43am). This has also caused me severe anxiety as I had those little jam things they give with toast I think I had 5 of them throughout the morning as I craved something sweet due to feeling so out of it. And also had apple juice throughout the day. This has scared me as I have toothache which I didn't have during pregnancy at all baring in mine I suffer a lot with teeth due to lack of caring for teeth during childhood due to personal traumas and also as an adult going through depression. My back teeth also ache so basically my mouth and teeth ache and I'm feeling so guilty thinking it's cos of not brushing for so many hours and also having sugary food within those time frame despite having been diligent so much throughout pregnancy by brushing and flossing every day etc. Are the reasons I stated what is causing me tooth pain and stuff? I'm just upset about this a lot since I want to be able to look after my son as best as I can.
Also, the birth was fast, I think I completely slipped wst stage of labour and basically all in total my birth was 3 hours 43mins.
Not being able to remember birth etc had made me really upset and I feel I didn't get to focus on skin to skin with my son and also didn't get to take the photos that I wanted with his welcome plaque and outfit I prepared so lovingly weeks before birth. Or even birth photos with umbilical cord and Nappies I didn't take and I know it seems silly but it was something I really wanted.
Days after i was discharged all these feelings have been hurting me to the point there were days I looked at my son and was crying because of how much I love him yet feeling like I am failing him because of being upset because of the way I gave birth and also because of being scared of my teeth pain and if its my fault and I'm so saddened at the fast birth especially since everyone keeps saying how lucky I am etc. I don't think I can explain that yes I'm lucky in terms of short labour but I'm saddened at being so out of it and also feeling like I didn't have time to process anything because it was that fast!
Please can you advice me on the feeling sad about the way I gave birth it being fast etc and also about what I mentioned about my teeth etc. I feel so selfish even posting this as I feel people will laugh thinking I'm so ungrateful or can't take pain etc but honestly I hope it doesn't come across like that.