FTM Struggling (11 weeks pp)

[TrueBluee]

Looking for advice or support, I'm not sure what is normal as this is my first baby. I have an 11 week old baby boy, he was a very easy newborn but things started changing from 4 weeks onwards.

He is really hard to predict, some nights he will sleep 6 to 7 hour stretches and other nights he is inconsolable crying for 4 hours and then waking every hour. We can't figure out what's wrong and we do the same thing daily (also try follow wake windows etc). During the day he won't nap anymore, he used to have 1 to 2 hour naps but now I'm lucky if he will stay in his bassinet for more than 10 minutes. Yet if he sleeps on us he will sleep for hours, he will only settle if we hold him and walk around with him, which I find agony as I'm still in pain from my labour, he cries as soon as I sit down. He screams and cries when we feed him as well (expressed breastmilk) I've tried burping him during feeding, different bottles (anti colic ones too), different positions, holding him upright, pacing it, eliminating dairy and different teats. It's got to the point where I actually hate feeding him as he gets so agitated, screamy and difficult to settle. I just dread feeding him, putting him to bed, putting him to nap etc.

I'm just so depressed, I just sit in my house with a screaming baby almost 24/7 and I just can't do it anymore, this isnt what I imagined my mat leave to be like. I'm in so much pain still so can't walk very far and too anxious to go outside with him in public on my own. I've reached out to my HV, midwife and GP for support but it's been massively disappointing.

Sorry to hear you're struggling. If it makes you feel better what you're describing is normal. For many women/ myself included- mat leave involved a screaming colicky non sleeping baby and it's hard to take a screaming baby out. Hang in there with each week things will improve.

Baby sounds perfectly normal. Don’t be afraid to take him out just because he’s crying. Their sleep isn’t linear, never expect the same sleep as you got the night before and you’ll never be disappointed.

As for your pain that sounds extreme. I had an emergency c section and I was a bit tender but back to walking the dog etc soon as I got home and on my horse 4 weeks later. Did you have a particularly bad labour?

Thank you. Just terrifying going out in public because he cries and doesn't stop. He's so hard to settle, I don't want people to think I'm a bad parent or judge me for it.

It wasnt a massively awful labour, just induction, vaginal labour with vacuum, episiotomy and 2nd degree tear / labia tear. I keep going back to the doctors, I've seen 4 GPs, a nurse and 2 consultants at the hospital. They've said where the stitches were is like a gaping wound which is "sort of healed". I have to leave it for 4-6 months and they will consider further treatment then if it hasnt sorted itself out.

Did they give you antibiotics? You shouldn't be in this much pain. To be honest he's being a new baby, you're not doing anything wrong and he will settle. Sometimes they just very small and adorable arseholes. The thing that jumps out from your posts is the pain you're in. That's not normal, right or acceptable.

Labia tears are absolute bastards for healing too

Yes had two rounds of antibiotics! They've given me some sterile solution and gauze type stuff to keep it as clean as possible. It is getting me down, I can't believe I'm nearly 12 weeks (on Tues) and still can't walk more than 5-10 minutes.

That did make me giggle, he is definitely small, adorable and sometimes a pain in the arse. :)

Your experience sounds similar to mine and it was so hard to deal with especially as I had such a longed for baby and I could process how much the reality differed to my expectations.

You are not alone! I've been there too but my eldest is four now and it does get better and you get yourself back again. I coslept which saved my sanity. He went in his own room at nine months and I finally got to sleep properly through the night. I also had my Aunty come and take us out just for a coffee or a walk or whatever. She wasn't fazed at all by the constant crying and that was really helpful. I remember looking at all the other mums with their contented sleepy babies thinking "why can my son not be like that?"

Like you, I tried every bottle, night light, white noise, even alternative medicine, reflux medication, but nothing worked except time. Wish I'd saved my money now!

The one thing that I would recommend is a sleep consultant who helped a lot with giving me the confidence to put him in his own bed and end co-sleeping and night feeds. Best £300 I've ever spent. Didn't do this till 9 months though.

The main thing though is that even though it can feel very isolating, it's not an uncommon experience and it will pass and you will get those lovely moments with your son eventually.

Hang on in there, babies do wake when you put them down, they are hard wired to feel safe near you/when held. Have you got a sling? They can help. Some nights will be better than others, again, completely normal but not easy.
Are you pacing the bottle feed? ie holding bottle horizontal so baby has more control and doesn't feed as fast.
When they cry it does help to get outside, the crying doesn't seem quite as loud.
You are doing a fabulous job!

I really feel for you and send love. I could have written this . It did get better. Small babies can be very very difficult. I used to walk for miles just to get my daughter off to sleep. If you have friends or family that can give you a break - take it ( but you will have thought of this).

That sounds really tough, you must be exhausted by it all. I also have an 11 week old ( baby girl) and we have a similar situation with the sleep. During the day she will only nap on us. I have found the best thing to do is use a carrier/sling. I know you mentioned it's hard to hold him when you are standing up but if you get one which fits really well it might help take the weight off. It is tiring but I'm trying to embrace it for now and get stuff done/ go for walks while she is sleeping. I know she will sleep in the cot eventually.
This is my second baby and my first had colic and reflux and cried A LOT. I found for him the only way of soothing him after feeding was to lie him on his front across my lap while he sucked on his dummy and I stoked his back. Sounds odd but someone suggested it and it generally worked! So might be worth a try.
Good luck and I hope things improve for you soon.

DD went through that phase of only sleeping (during the day) if you were on the move, it nearly broke me! We’re a couple of weeks ahead of you - she’s 14 weeks on Tuesday - and things have really improved on that front, so there is hope.

A lot is normal but I am not sure about the feeding to be honest, that does sound like something may not be quite right. I don’t mean it’s a huge deal or that he’s unwell but may be worth a GP/HV appointment.

Aww sending you a hug. I’m 9 weeks PP and interesting to see you’re doing expressed milk, that’s what I’m doing too. We give a bottle of formula at ‘bed time’ though and during the night if she’s up. I’m starting to find the expressing quite exhausting, I’ve tried to cut it back a bit as some sort of compromise but all that happens is I end up so engorged and in agony. Woke up this morning after a full night’s sleep but had something that felt like a rock solid golf ball under my arm from the way I’d been lying 😩 Tempted to switch to formula but I actually feel a bit trapped because I don’t even know how I’ll ever be able to stop!

Anyway.. sorry to hear you’re having a tough time with your recovery. It’s so hard to parent as well as recover. No advice really. The only thing I’ve found is with my first I followed all the wake windows etc and to be fair he did end up a really good sleeper. This time I haven’t done that at all as I just don’t have the time. My toddler’s schedule is more important just now so baby ends up just tagging along but I think it’s maybe made her quite chilled as a result. It’s easier said than done but don’t let crying put you off going out. I swear they feed off our adrenaline/stress and start playing up the second they feel it from you. Getting out will really help. Are there any classes or even things like bookbug nearby you could go to? I find if I get out to something like that baby actually sleeps much better when I get home and it just makes the whole day feel much more worthwhile instead of feeling like you’re just floating along trying to survive the day.

Have you got a portable white noise machine? Put that in your pram when you’re out, allow time to walk first before going anywhere to sit and it might help a bit. I’m not sure about the whole colic thing but it would be worthwhile looking into seeing if it could be something that can be helped. Hope it gets better soon, I’m sure it will

Ouch those tears sound painful, I really hope they heal quickly for you.

Honestly no one will judge you for having a crying baby and if they do, they’re not the type of person whose opinion you should care about! Have you got baby classes near you? I tried to do something little every day, it breaks the day up and gets you some fresh air and some adult company. It’s lonely otherwise. Do you have your mum or MIL nearby to maybe come with you for a bit of moral support the first few times?

My DD only napped on me for 16 weeks. Her first non contact nap was on holiday in her pushchair by the pool and I almost cried with happiness 😂 from then on she napped anywhere and on the rare occasion she did nap on me I absolutely loved it because it wasn’t constant.