Can't cope / PND

[Helpineedsomebody23]

Hi

FTM after 2 miscarriages last year. Horribly anxious throughout pregnancy and chose to stay off medication. Longstanding history of anxiety and depression. Went on Sertraline in last week of pregnancy and had ELCS on advice of mental health team. Sertraline increased to 100mg 2 weeks ago.

I am not coping AT ALL with my newborn. He is now almost 5 weeks old and I haven't enjoyed one minute of it. My husband has had to take longer off work to support me. We've come back to parents for more support too. I can't sleep when the baby sleeps because he's so noisy (he has laringomalacia). I haven't been able to breastfeed so feel hideously guilty about that. I can't cope when he cries. He's been crying on and off this evening and we don't know why (not hungry, not wet etc). I had a panic attack because I just couldn't bear the noise anymore. My husband sent me to bed early. He's back to work tomorrow so I'll be up from 1am with the baby. I'm absolutely dreading it. I wish this wasn't my life. I feel like we've made the biggest mistake and I'm scared I'll never feel better and will forever hate this.

NHS waitlist for psychology talking therapies is 6-8 weeks.

Please tell me it gets better. I don't know what else to do :(

see your GP asap. Tell them how desperate you feel and ask to be referred to perinatal team. My daughter was the same as you and was talking about having her baby adopted as she felt it was a huge mistake. Eventually was enrolled on the Talking therapies weekly course, waited 6 weeks, joined first session which was cancelled after 20 mins as only 3 ladies had joined and they needed 6 for it to be viable!!! That very nearly tipped her over the edge. Fortunately we were able to get her some private counselling, which got her through a few weeks. Lots of input and support from me her Mum and her partner got her through a few more weeks. Eventually she was re enrolled on the course, but it wasn’t really what she needed at that stage. The Health Visitor who was part of it recognised the state she was in and immediately got the perinatal team involved. If only she had had that from the early stages of her severe PND. Her baby is now 11 months, I feel she started to relax and enjoy her about 2 months ago.
So sad and so unnecessary if only these poor ladies could get help much sooner .
I really wish you luck, keep pushing for perinatal team support please .

NHS waitlist for psychology talking therapies is 6-8 weeks.

Have you asked to be referred to the perinatal mental health team? They had someone at my house within a week. (Stay on your existing waiting list though, I never got to the top of the perinatal list for an actual psychologist, as DD2 turned 1 and then they removed me as I wasn't under their remit any more. I did speak to a psychiatrist, and a pharmacist who worked with the team though.)

My HV also referred me to the charity Home Start who gave me a place on a group that ran for about 8 weeks. It wasn't therapy but it has coping strategies and was a place to talk, and it had a room next door of trained childcare workers who looked after the babies during the sessions. She also referred me to a council run group that was very similar, also with a crèche. (I know it sounds bad, but I absolutely loved the crèches). I'd speak to your HV and see if there are any support group/services she can refer you to. She might also refer you to the perinatal mental health team, if your GP isn't helpful or you can't get an appointment.

Please tell me it gets better. I don't know what else to do

I promise that it does.

Thank you. Yes I'm under the perinatal mental health team - that's what the 6-8 week wait is. I've seen the psychiatrist twice for medication review. I just don't feel like I want to do any of this anymore. I want my old life back :(

It gets better.

Earplugs when sleeping - you will still hear a baby cry with them in, they're not that good, just means you don't hear all the little noises.

When they're crying - earbuds with a funny podcast on. Or sync them to the tele so you can stand and rock the baby whilst watching and still being able to hear the tele. Again, something funny is good.

Just get through hour by hour, day by day with the above to help you not focus too much on the shittiness and it will get better.

Having a baby is a hell of a shock. Recovering from major surgery is no walk in the park either. Do you have the finances to get someone in to share the care a bit more so you can get some time away from the baby?

I'm a bit of an introvert and what I really struggled with immediately PP with DC1 (also CS) was not getting a single minute to myself either in hospital or at home, even if DH was doing things for the baby we were in the same room and I couldn't just get out to go anywhere or get any peace at all.

It did pass for me eventually with medication and support from HV (no perinatal mental health team was available at the time in NI), and I hope it passes for you too. Do you have a care co ordinator or similar who you can talk to about how you are feeling worse? They may have more support available than they've already told you about.

Do you have a spare room where you can sleep? Have baby in with your DH and have DH bring baby to you for feeds. Go to bed early every night. Lack of sleep is likely making you feel much worse.

Excellent advice from previous poster. If you were prescribed Sertraline in pregnancy you may already be under a perinatal mental health team and you need to be assessed without delay. I can assure you that perinatal mental health rapidly improves with the right treatment. Don't underestimate how difficult it can be to manage a baby with laryngomalacia. It's not your fault you couldn't breastfeed, these babies are hard to feed and they tend to have very painful reflux. You can also request some specialist help to try and get your baby more comfortable. Let your GP and health visitor know how difficult this is and keep in very regular contact with them both untill things are on an even keel.

Can I also add that if the perinatal team are making you wait 6-8 weeks, they are probably not aware of how bad you currently feel. They have the capacity to visit the same day, or in less urgent cases within 2 weeks.

I haven't been given any information on the laringomalacia at all. A lactation consultant suspected it, GP confirmed it and that's been it. We were just told if he ever goes blue or has long pauses in his breathing to go to A&E.

I've contacted the team to ask for more support. The problem is I'm now out of area staying with my parents and theres no way I am leaving here right now as I can't manage without my mum's support right now..

Oh no, this is how I felt too, it was horrendous. I was Googling putting baby up for adoption as I thought I was so bad at it. My GP was amazing but we had no family support so it was otherwise a massive struggle.

Perinatal mental health team - my Health Visitor didn't tell me about them so I didn't know to ask for a referral.

If your area still has children's centres/Sure Start centres (many have closed) - my local one was a lifesaver.

Home Start are a fantastic organisation providing support for new families who are struggling.

A nearby toddler group in a church hall was another huge support for me. For the first month I used to just go and cry on people whilst somebody made me tea and somebody held the baby.

Getting into a routine and out in the fresh air helped. I was on my own with the baby for about ten hours a day and spent as much of that out of the house as possible until DH got home from work - toddler group at 10am filled two hours, then popped to the shops, went for a walk. Kept walking as exercise seemed to help.

Could you afford a maternity nurse or mother's help type person? I didn't know they existed but I wish we'd employed a maternity nurse in the first few weeks.

It does get better. I really hated the first few months and was so unhappy. I was still breastfeeding and loathing it, it made me so miserable. I put my foot down to the pressure to do it in the end and limited breastfeeds (combi-fed) as I far preferred bottle feeding and being able to look into my baby's face.

Oh my love, hang in there, I gets better, I PROMISE! I could have written your post 15 years ago. I found the newborn stage absolutely indescribably awful. Like you I had a deep, visceral reaction to my baby crying and I was out of my mind with lack of sleep. I honestly felt like I was living in some terrifying, terrible alternate universe and that nothing would ever, ever be OK again.

Somehow we got though those early months and even had another two children, now teens and tweens. You'll get though it too. Be kind to yourself and take it one day at a time.

I also found the Health Visitor was really useless about providing support - apparently I needed to be really specific about what I needed but I didn't know what services were available or what support was out there so didn't know to ask for it!

Can you tell them you haven't been given information about your baby's condition and need to know what to do about it?

Tell them you're struggling to cope with the PND and need more support.

I'll add that while my HV was really good once she realised how bad it was, it did take a while to make her see that. It shouldn't take this, but what ended up working was DH calling her and leaving an extremely worried message on her phone (I was suicidal by this point). I don't know if it was because it was someone else saying it, or because I was so ill at that point that I hadn't been very effective at getting across how much help I needed, but she was at our house the next day, with the perinatal MH support worker there a few days later, and referrals for the various support groups were done immediately.

As you are staying with your mum you can access the health visiting service in that area. You can also register as a temporary patient with a different GP. As Laryngomalacia typically causes Gastro Oesophageal Reflux Disease (GORD), it should be possible to get a trial of medication for the baby, which might help with the unexplained crying and help your baby sleep better. With a bit of luck the service in the new area will be better.

What’s the significance of 1am? Are you sleeping undisturbed until that point and then swapping with DH?

This. It's really important that you don't "drop out of the system" through no fault of your own when you need help and support. It can be really hard to get the energy to actually get all this stuff organised but it's worth it.

Yes, we're doing shifts to make sure we both get some sleep