Worried about the arrival of 2nd baby

[Eyelashwishes]

I had my first child in 2020 during lockdown and all of the restrictions. I really really struggled. I desperately wanted to breastfeed and even though I'd read as many books as I could and even took an online course, I felt I needed support and unfortunately didn't recieve it. I tried lactation consultant's etc but no one could see me in person, every midwife told me the latch was perfect (which was infuriating as I was in absolute agony every feed). The wait to see a tongue tie specialist was 8 weeks long and midwives were concerned about my son so we ended up supplementing and I was put on a pumping schedule to try and get my supply up. We were triple feeding, my son had colic and cried ALL the time and I really struggled mentally. After my husband went back to work it was just impossible to keep up with pumping and sterilising bottles and attempting to breastfeed. I ended up hallucinating from sleep deprivation and I think looking back now I may have suffered from post natal depression without realising that's what it was maybe. I was really low and felt very isolated and that I had failed. I grieved that I wasn't able to breastfeed for a long time. I thought I had come to terms with it and was I'm a better place about it all but realise now maybe I hadn't.

I'm now pregnant with my 2nd baby, due November. I've gone back and forth in my mind about whether trying to breastfeed again would be a good idea or not for me mentally. I've decided I am going to try again, but this time without all the pressure on myself. My friend just had her first baby 3 days ago and is not struggling at all. Her baby is feeding well, is happy and settled and she's well and truly in a newborn baby bubble. Of course, I'm so happy for her she deserves it so much and I'm glad she hasn't struggled. But I can't help but feel jealous and sad that I didn't get that. It's really triggered me and I'm now very fearful of my daughters arrival. I just can't get my head round how she can be finding it so easy when I was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I feel like such a failure and that I can't be a good mum because I struggled SO much.

Has anyone had a bad experience with their first and a much better one with their second? And if you did what did you do differently to ensure that? How do you still keep your first child content? Has anyone used the mental health services on the NHS and found it worthwhile? I have had counselling privately in the past and found it very very helpful, but just don't have the funds for that at the moment. Any advice, support or kind words are welcome!

Are you in England OP?
There are new Maternal Mental Health Services specifically aimed at women in pregnancy and after birth. If so, try to find your local one and see if they can help with addressing everything from last time.

On the breastfeeding, sometimes it just comes down to the shape of the baby’s mouth, they just can’t do it properly and nothing you can do will change that. It sounds like you tried everything. My friend couldn’t BF at all with her first, but her second baby did it really well.

Yes I am in the UK. Thank you I didn't know about this. I will have a look into it 😊

I really did try. I always wonder had it not been during covid would I have been able to access more help and managed to do it. I feel a lot of guilt and don't want to feel that way again. I hope it works out this time but I do feel I might need some mental health help either way. Thank you x

Breastfeeding is so so hard! Vast majority of women I know really struggled to start with. Some lucky people get it straight away, the baby also has to learn and it’s just harder for some babies than others. La Leche League gave me great support with breastfeeding along with a local breastfeeding support charity. Without their help (and multiple in person sessions) I wouldn’t have managed it. With the best will in the world in my experience the midwives and health visitors don’t always know that much about breastfeeding (I was also told the latch was fine when it wasn’t).

You are absolutely not a failure or a bad mum. Lots of people can’t breastfeed for lots of reasons. You tried so so hard to do what you felt was best for your baby, I bet they are a healthy and happy toddler now. Let yourself off the hook, you had a baby in the middle of a global pandemic and weren’t able to access the support services you needed. I think trying again without putting too much pressure on it is a great plan.

Hi OP, I had a lockdown baby in 2020 and I had my second earlier this year. Even though I had a more difficult delivery this time around (EMCS whereas first was natural)I cannot believe how much different and easier life has been this time around. I honestly didn’t feel like lockdown had much an impact on me becoming a mum, until I had my second. Honestly it’s a completely different experience and I’m loving every minute of it. It has made me slightly sad that I didn’t get to experience this first time around and I admit I do get a little jealous of friends who are just becoming mums for the first time who will have no idea what it was like to have a baby in covid.

I did find breastfeeding hard again this time because of the pain but I had better access to support and also just felt more confident and less hung up on it.

My first has been absolutely besotted with his new little brother. I couldn’t have hoped for their relationship to go any better.

My biggest regret is worrying so much before my second arrived that I forgot to actually be excited about having a new baby and all the lovely things that brings.

In terms of mental health support, I had CBT via talking therapies the first time around for anxiety and I’m doing the same again, although my anxiety is a lot less this time. In my area you can self refer.

Goof luck!