FTM 3 weeks pp, mental health & recovery issues

[TrueBluee]

I gave birth on 1st Aug to a beautiful baby boy. I'm not sure what's normal as this is my first baby but I was hoping I could get some advice or support ?

I feel terrible for admitting this but I find I don't want to hold my baby very much. I love him, love looking at him, he's so cute. But I just can't find a comfortable position with him, he cries and wiggles. He settles a lot better with his dad. I actually find myself more relaxed when someone else is holding him. My health visitor noticed I wasn't holding him very much at the visit and kept asking if I'd bonded with him.

I am terrified to be alone with the baby, I just don't know what I'm doing. My heart breaks when he cries and I've fed him, changed him and cuddled him and I don't know what else to do. My husband goes back to work next week and I am crying and so anxious at the thought of doing this by myself. He settles so well with his dad compared to me.

I am also terrified to step outside with the baby. I'd love to go for a walk with him as it's one thing that'd boost my mental health prior to pregnancy etc, but the thought of him crying in public and I can't console him absolutely riddles me with anxiety. I also ponder the logistics. If I go for a walk where do I change him? Feed him? I try think of solutions for every what if and I can't.

I just keep crying every day as I don't know what to do. I'm worried I'm not a good enough mother and I wish my husband could be the one on maternity leave as I just don't feel good enough for my son. On top of all this I'm still in pain with my episiotomy / labia tear, things don't look right down there (they did say may need to be redone as it was so swollen during stitching), I am so exhausted and I still don't have full sensation back in my bladder. I just feel so depressed and overwhelmed, I went to the GP and they just fobbed me off and told me to come back in 4 weeks if I still don't feel right.

Hey, I’m a FTM too and a few weeks ahead of you. I had my baby in June. The first few weeks were incredibly, life changingly overwhelming. I absolutely hated it when my husband went back to work and kind of resented him for it because he got to go back to ‘normal’ 8 hours a day whereas I could barely manage to make and eat a piece of toast during that time. It got so much easier! Give yourself a chance and try to be a bit nicer to yourself, you’ve been through a huge physical trauma and a major mental adjustment too along with the sleep deprivation which is actual torture. I bet you’ll realise that you’ve bonded just fine once the fog has lifted a bit, maybe try put that worry aside for a while and just focus on getting through each feed&sleep cycle one by one. Your baby will change so quickly and become easier and easier to deal with (and you will get better and better at caring for him/her). I lost bladder sensation too and it didn’t start feeling halfway normal again until about 6 weeks PP. Kegels are meant to help, I’m totally fine now. I found getting out and walking with my baby was really great for clearing my mind and making me feel more human and I make a point of doing it every single day now. You definitely should push yourself out the door. Maybe pick a time when your baby has just been fed so is unlikely to get hungry for a little bit, and start with the shortest of walks down the road and back to get a bit of confidence going? Before you know it you’ll be getting a coffee! It’s a super hard time, go easy on yourself - you’re doing so, so great by just looking after your baby’s needs and surviving right now and soon each week will be easier than the last. But don’t be afraid to go back to the GP, they should be on high alert for PND.

Hi OP 👋

I’m 10 weeks PP and can relate to so much of what you’re saying. I had completely forgotten how unbelievably treacherous those first few, 4, 5, 6 (!) weeks can be. The roughness of it actually took me by surprise.

My baby wriggles more when I’m holding her than anyone else and I put this down to her smelling my scent and looking to nurse/feed rather than just be held, does that make sense? During growth spurts there is zero chance of her sitting still in my arms. Could your LO be having a growth spurt? Feeding loads, fussy, shorter naps?

Mine also prefers to be taken on a wee tour around the house on my shoulder - we don’t do much sitting, chilled out holding at all and that I just put down to her personality. It can definitely be difficult not to wonder if it’s you (I did for a while) but babies inherently adore their Mums and I bet he flashes you that first beautiful smile!

I had fear about leaving the house too and I’m still not 100% there with my confidence but I am forcing myself to do it. I think for something like this exposure is a good thing. I’m also amazed at how well she sleeps in her pram so you might be pleasantly surprised that you go for a short walk and he doesn’t wake at all!

Keep on at the GP and/or your health visitor about your mental health. The support is there but sometimes you need to shout and stomp your foot a bit. If you don’t have the energy, ask your OH to speak to them for you.

I promise (promise promise!) it does get easier. X