Wasted maternity leave

[Lolly127]

Almost 7 months out of ten into maternity leave and I’ve totally wasted it ! Pregnancy and pre I was riddled with birth anxiety and was so pre occupied with that . Ended in an emcs which went well : but still major surgery and still a bloody shock . I have health anxiety so was so worried about clots after etc : took me two months to leave the house with baby and I was still very wobbly . I soon found out I had a thyroid issues about 4 months postnatal as I just wasn’t getting going and felt dead on my feet . We just haven’t Achieved much as family or as my baby on maternity . I felt like I would be out all the time at groups and lunches . But I’ve made no new mum friends . I think I glamourised maternity ; I won’t lie . I feel so bad for this , but I’m so dead with this thyroid . My daughter is very happy , thriving and so loved but some days I think What a shit mum I am . I’m only 34 so should have some energy . I do suspect I am a little depressed , but that could also be the thyroid . I can’t believe I’ve wasted 7 whole months of my only babies life and achieved nothing . I struggle to sleep at night thinking about this . I envy women who have the up and to every single day .

You've grown an amazing human and then kept her alive for 7 while months! That's an amazing achievement and you deserve to bask in the knowledge that you did that. I went into my first mat leave sure that I would write a novel with all the spare time I would have (whilst being supermum too, of course!). In reality it was hard to fit in a shower some days! Be kind to yourself, it's really bloody hard work and you sound like you're doing great.

Thank you so much . I know we shouldn’t ever compare : some are going on walks daily , classes 3 x per week and lunching etc which is amazing ! I mean we have been to classes , but w have been on walks . But it’s just us two . Family work and my mum friends have children older so are also working . Not been to classes enough to make new friends . Irs been a lot harder than I imagined and people will make comments . So today we need to go to the shops , which is fine : so we do go out but it’s just not mummy and baby clubs etc . But I’m so bloody tired . Weekends when dad is around all day , I sometimes want a few hours to my self . Just feel like I’ve not adapted to mum life and feel a little lost

Absolutely what the PP said. I achieved nothing at all on maternity except keeping DD and me alive and functioning and chatting to her, playing etc. It would have been nice to achieve more but terrible sleep didn’t allow that!

Maternity leave is there as a recognition that looking after a small baby and recovering from birth often is hard work and is important, if it was possible to do lots of stuff alongside then we probably wouldn’t have maternity leave at all. Don’t beat yourself up.

I considered mat leave to be about two things:

Rest
Being with my baby

What did you consider it for?

This.

Maternity leave is to recover from pregnancy and birth and look after your baby. Sounds like you’re doing that.

I totally get that and I’ve done those successfully haha . But I feel society is cruel these days ; your expected to get up and out and be jolly etc . It was a shock pregnancy , birth for all is a bloody shock and I hadn’t even considered the after . I just feel I’ve let myself down recovering so slowly and not making any memories of this time . Especially being with my first

Get rid of that guilt that is brought on by "society".

If anyone in society wants to tell you how to live your life simply ignore them

Every single person on this planet whom you come into contact with may expect things of you.

Tell them what Bernard did.

Well, expect away.

No memories? You will remember your tiny baby forever. All they want to do is rest, and that's what you should be doing too.

You know rest is important, and thus is an activity. If you spend a day resting you have had an active day.

I'm sorry you're feeling so rubbish OP. I hope they get the thyroid sorted soon, it can make your whole outlook change.

When you say society expects this and that, does society expect it? Or are/were you expecting it of yourself?

First time Mum - you may have had unrealistic expectations of mat leave. And that's without the medical stuff you've had going on. If you were speaking to someone now who was about to go off on mat leave, would you expect them to have done 2749249 classes?

Good luck

Do remember appearances can be deceptive. I went out and about a fair amount. I still felt anxious a lot of the time and sleep deprived most of the time. I was mainly spending time with NCT friends who were nice, but not long term friends.

I felt much more like me later on once back at work and having the occasional meal/drink out with my long term friends.

Your baby has everything she needs and is thriving, so well done!

Thank you so much for your rational responses. Yea I think it’s the social media hype . I’m being irrational and having stupid thoughts and behaving pathetic . It’s what I see others with babies on my social media out and about , all looking great and well to do . I think I was a bit unrealistic thinking we would be both dressed all Bonny daily and active . In fact some days I barely brush my hair , I guess it’s my insecurity in myself . Thinking oh what must people think of me erc that I’m in this mess . Two hours I’ve been trying to get out the door and only just had my shower at this time !

Do not ever think you are a bad mum. Maternity leave is so hard. On mine, I had months of a recurring thought - ‘I want to go home’. But I was home!! I think I so desperately wanted my old life back that that’s how my mind processed it. I kept a notebook of some of my maternity leave and this is what I wrote when my baby was 5 months old ‘some days are great, and then other days I just cry.’ By month 11 at home I had gone slightly crazy and was sooooo close to leaving and running off with an old foreign boyfriend that I hadn’t seen in years!?! My baby is almost 17 months now and thinking back on that time is hard. I had lost myself soooo much. Going back to work when she was almost a year SAVED MY SANITY AND MY MARRIAGE!!

Yep someone posted about how it’s important to get a bedtime routine and how her 2 month old slept from 7 since then . I mean how wonderful . But do people not think we are all trying to establish a routine and it just ain’t working over here . I can honestly relate to the old life thing . I don’t know who I am , I used to love shopping for example . Now I don’t even know what to buy or wear . I feel a shell of my former self ; I’m usually pretty bubbly and outgoing but I’m absolutely not my self . I too think about running anyway a lot , sometimes I see myself in New York ! I am defo losing it now haha

Just respond to your baby. Simplify it down to that. Anything you see on social media go back to 'what does my baby need?'

I spent most of maternity leave in lockdown. We had mum friends and classes for a few months and then barely saw a soul.
I also had the thyroid thing.

It’s all good @Lolly127 honestly. My DD is now nearly 4 and a perfectly amazing human being despite literally being isolated for months and months.

You will not care about this long term. At the time I was so bloody sad though.

You sound a lovely mum! look at your DD, she is growing and thriving and that is due to you. Please be kind to yourself, step away from SM, a lot of it is just posed and primped for the 'perfect' photo.

Your DD is only 7 months old, you have a whole lifetime ahead of you both to spend together.

Hand on heart, my babies never had a strict routine and they never slept through the night at 7 months either. Don't believe everything you read on SM... Sending you an unMN hug.

How did you manage your thyroid on that topic ? It’s horrible , I feel like a slug. Mines under-active so everything much slower . Did yours resolve , my levels are getting better : but still in a dire range tbh

I did nothing with dd1, no baby groups, coffee mornings or visiting family (lived in different country). We potted around the house and that was enough for me and her.

Did the exact same thing with dd2 except school run and the odd coffee morning just me and her.

Some people need to be out and about, I most certainly didn't need or want it and got slightly annoyed when people tried to tell me 'thats what I needed to be doing '.

But a big part of having maternity leave is so you can recover physically and mentally. That's what you did.

Yes people say you need to get out more . You’ll feel better , well I don’t feel any better on the days of activity haha

Feeling better requires your thyroid levels to be stabilised. End of.
Looking way back to my first maternity leave, I can only think of one "mum friend" I made, and that was someone my vicar introduced me to. And we largely slid out of contact later on. One really lasting friendship has been someone I first met when our 5 yr olds started swimming lessons together.

If your baby is surviving and thriving then you're getting it right. All the rest is window dressing if even that.

Give yourself permission not to be doing loads, I hope your health continues to improve; and then focus on acknowledging all the things you are doing! Best wishes.