Was this psychosis?

[August21yellowbaby]

I had my son in august 2021.
I went into labour on the Friday. I had a c section booked for the Monday (baby had apparently stopped growing)
I was happy to go into labour as this would of avoided the c section. But from Friday night till Monday lunchtime I was in absolute agony. Contractions every few minutes but also in constant agony from not being able to wee. I begged and begged for a catheter and they wouldn't give me one until morning morning and A LOT of wee emptied out of me.

The whole weekend was traumatic, I did not sleep a single second. I wasn't allowed my partner with me apart from 3pm-4pm. My room had no signal so I couldn't speak to anyone on the phone. There was no staff when I tried to call me buzzer, nobody came. I bled a lot on the Sunday night with big clots, I begged for the c section and was told no.

My son was born via c section Monday lunch time. I still did not sleep for the 3 days we were in hospital. I started to hallucinate, thinking my cat was in the hospital room, I thought the mirror across from my bed was my front door. At times I was unsure what country I was in and kept asking if I was in Spain. I went home and still didn't sleep, I felt full of energy. I would say on day 2/3 of being home I started to get the odd hour of sleep. But then I started to get these thoughts, which I now know as intrusive thoughts.

I could visibly see my son falling down the stairs, or hitting his head on this sharp corner of a side table we had in the lounge. We had to get rid of this table because of the thoughts I was having. When my partner took my son for a drive so that I could get some sleep one morning, I convinced myself they had gone to get fuel and the petrol station had blown up. This was all because my partner didn't answer his phone.
The intrusive thoughts continued for a very long time. When driving I would have thoughts that id accidentally left my son in a car park, I'd have to pull over to check he was definitely in the car. I would have thoughts I'd accidentally put him in the washing machine and would check on him in his cot or bouncer before pressing start. And if I forgot to check and pressed start I would run upstairs to check him.

I didn't tell anyone about these thought's because I thought I would have him taken off me. But now I'm TTC baby no 2 and the fear of this again scares me. I want to understand what was happening to me. Was this just complete sleep deprivation or was it psychosis? I still get the thoughts sometimes but they kind of "pass" through my mind very quickly, whereas it used to be on my mind 24/7

Thank you if you've read this far

Were you assessed in hospital by a psychiatrist? Hallucinating and not knowing where you were should have been flagged.

I think intrusive thoughts can be part of PND. I know I had them (same things like I was worried I would throw my son over the bannisters).

I would see if you could get a birth debrief and them if you do get pregnant again flat it immediately with your midwife.

Not sure. Sleep deprivation can cause mild hallucinations and disorientation like where you describe thinking the hospital door was your window. But thinking you were in Spain is quite extreme I don’t think that was just sleep deprivation

Yes It sounds like it could have been.
I had this too, never told a soul and don't want to go into detail but I get where you're coming from completely.
I never had it again though after first if that helps

I've had this too post my twins. I didn't tell anyone for a couple of years until I became really poorly. I was referred to a psychiatrist and he said it was depression and ocd. The intrusive thoughts are part of the ocd. I'm medicated now and much more stable. There's no shame in this, talk to your gp and if you have any symptoms with your next pregnancy tell someone right away. Good luck xxx

No I didn't tell the midwife or doctors. I didn't tell anyone 😞

I’m so sorry that you have experienced this August and I can understand how frightened you must be.

I went through the same after the birth of my 1st child, very similar thoughts to yours and I was absolutely wired and on a high for several days after the birth even though I’d had PP haemorrhage. I never told anybody, kept it all in and it was a good couple of years before I began to get over it.

When I fell pregnant with my 2nd several years later, I was so terrified of it happening again that I made an appointment with my GP to talk my fears over. GP was amazing and let the midwife know who also kept a close eye on me during my pregnancy and for some time after the birth. It didn’t happen again I’m pleased to say and I felt better just knowing that I had the support there.

As PP’s have already advised, speak with you GP and get as much support as you can, don’t me ashamed, I’m sure it’s much more common than we think it is.

Hello ♥️

I am so sorry you went through this and a traumatic time with what sounds like not a lot of support from your care team at the birth. 🫂

First of all, well done for talking about it, it can be really hard to admit these feelings to ourselves never mind other people. I’m really glad you have posted. ☺️

I too had the adrenaline/energy feeling for the first 3 days postpartum. I didn’t sleep one wink and started to imagine things that weren’t there or happening. Following this I had similar, scary thoughts and could not get my brain to stop no matter what I tried. I also cried continually for about 3 weeks. Something eventually lifted for me about week 6 with DD2. I can’t remember when with DD1 but it was much longer as I didn’t tell anyone then.

What I can say with certainty is that being brutally honest with family, friends and my care team with what I was feeling the second time helped enormously and I am much better for it. I am also going to see a psychologist for it very soon. I have been told that it is linked to OCD/PP anxiety. (I already deal with anxiety/health anxiety). Because you had it the first time doesn’t mean it will definitely happen again, but I would for sure let your midwife/care team know about this when you do conceive again so they can support you well.

PP psychosis often involves prolonged hallucinations/delusions with thoughts of harming yourself/your baby. I might be mistaken, but I don’t think PP Psychosis resolves of it’s own accord. I wouldn’t let your past experience get in the way of TTC if that is what you want, because as I’ve realised, each pregnancy/birth/PP period can be very different.

Support is out there and I wish you all the best. 🥰

I think they're two separate issues-the hallucinations/confusion in hospital sounds like delirium, likely a consequence of lack of sleep, anaesthesia, ?urine infection. And the intrusive thoughts are likely related to anxiety, which isn't surprising given how awful your experience was, it could be post-traumatic anxiety, or post-natal anxiety, or part of an obsessive-compulsive disorder. It might be worth speaking to your midwife or GP about this, perhaps some therapy/support could help this time.