Postpartum depression? Really struggling

[Beapo]

TW: self-harm/suicide

Hi all. On the 22nd I gave birth to my beautiful boy, and I really do love him but I'm really struggling with my mental health. Ever since I got discharged from hospital on Wednesday evening I've been a nervous wreck. Can't stop the tremors and shaking, crying more often than not, insomnia, the list goes on. I've struggled with depression and anxiety for many years now but this is next level and I hate that I feel like this instead of being there for my son. My partner has been super supportive looking after both of us but it still doesn't make it any easier. I have PTSD from a traumatic hospital stay a few years ago and I've been like this every time I've been discharged, apart from this time it's 10x worse. I've just rang crisis team and waiting for a call back as the thoughts of self harm and wanting to end my life are becoming more and more prominent. Just wanted to reach out to maybe feel less alone with these thoughts, as I really don't know what to do next. :( Thank you for taking the time to read my post x

I’m so sorry to hear you are feeling so desperate today. Did the crisis team give any time frame as to how long it might take to call you back? Could you go to A&E if you are having thoughts about ending your life? Sending much love.

I’m so sorry to read this too. It sounds like you are overwhelmed and struggling. IMO, the fact that you are seeking help shows how much you are trying to be there for your son.

I second the above about A&E if you need it.

I hope you feel back to yourself again soon x

Oh lovely, it is so so hard. You can love your child more than anything else in the world, but if your mental health is struggling, nothing will feel quite right.
I'm glad you called the crisis team! Nothing is more scary than battling with your own head. The first few weeks after birth can be some of the most gruelling times of your life, especially if struggling. The trouble is, hardly anybody wants to talk about that part. So I am glad you have!
It may be hard now, but you WILL come out the other side. Read this post and it's comments back in a few months, and you will see how far you've come since this point x

Are you not under the care of perinatal?

The struggle is real. I really feel for you and have been in your position in the past. It’s so overwhelming and all consuming. I’m so pleased you have sought help and your DP is being supportive. I found nights the hardest and the most extreme for physical symptoms. I really focused on remembering that the morning does come back round. My advice (because this helped me, but feel feee to ignore what’s not for you):
I talked when I felt like talking,
I cried (a lot and ugly crying) when I felt I needed to, usually everyday, several times in the beginning.
I prioritised something i wanted to do for my baby and I would focus on just this, for me it was breastfeeding and singing a song to him everyday, I let other people help with everything else, but it could be anything you would like to do (for me it was to feel my bond was still there and growing and yours will be too)
I had listening visits with my HV and got help from my GP
i meditated using a self guided video from YouTube
i tried not to be tough on myself (although you can’t help feeling guilty) my baby needed and your baby needs a happy, healthy mummy. Take the time you need to get yourself better and you will be able to be there fully in the way you want to be for your baby. I had to prioritise my mental health and it didn’t have a detrimental impact on my relationship with DS.
Good luck OP, lean on your support network and I hope you are feeling well soon. Sending virtual hugs and 💐

Thank you to everyone for replying. It really does mean a lot! The crisis team are sending someone out to come see me tonight which is reassuring. I only see a cpn once a week through perinatal as I'm still in the assessment period and haven't been assigned anyone yet. Fingers crossed having someone physically to talk to will help me get through the night til I can call my gp first thing in the morning. Thanks again all - trying to stay strong for my beautiful new family

How are you this morning @Beapo How were the crisis team? I’m glad they came out to you.

Drs or A&E if you need it before it gets worse.

Did you read the thread?

Was a tricky morning but managed to hang in there until I could get to my gp. The crisis team were much needed, even if I was like a zombie by the time they got here 😅 Just hoping my medication adjustments help take the edge off things, it's so frustrating feeling like that. Had the health visitor round today as well so that was reassuring!