8m pp and feeling more depressed than ever

[kalicia]

I have really struggled with my little one. I have the odd help and support from my mum and her dad but apart from that I have no other family really. The situation with her dad is a strange one, we don’t live together but we are together. When we do spend time together I still feel like I am doing all the work as obviously he works Monday-Friday and I don’t want to burden him. I do love my baby, but god she has been hard work ever since a newborn and it has just got worse and worse. She was very clingy as a new baby, never wanted to be put down. Then the 4month sleep regression hit and I had 6 weeks of HELL. Don’t think I have ever cried so much in my life running off 0 sleep. Then over Christmas she slept better but still not great. In January she went through a bad week of just crying all night for no known reason. This is when she hit 6 months so I decided to move her into her own room and sleep train. I did controlled crying and after just 1 day of being upset, it worked, it was amazing. I had 1 full good month. I felt rested, I felt like I was able to clean the house in peace, go out and enjoy days out again etc. Then, what I can only presume is the 8m sleep regression is going on now. I was trying to ride this out and went back to cosleeping but last night hit my breaking point as I had 0 sleep. She slept in 20min clusters and whenever I felt myself drift off she would just cry and cry. Either that or she tries to sit up so I’m having to lay her back down and restrain her from getting back up. All she has done today is scream and cry.

I very much feel depressed. I feel whatever progress I make with her, goes 10 steps backwards. She is not an easy baby during the day either, very clingy always has been and will only independently play for about 5 min. I feel like I can’t get anything done in the day. She doesn’t nap more than 20 minutes. We are in a cycle of overtiredness. I wake up dreading the day and I don’t know what to do. When her dad is around I feel I am having to ask him to do stuff for her rather than him automatically doing it. He would rather just sit and play games or be on his phone.

I want to also add when I had her it was quite a traumatic birth, forceps, episiotomy, I lost a lot of blood and I got an infection. So that first look at her with that overwhelming love never happened. I did not feel like I had PND at the time although I did question it. But I believe i just felt sad from the birth trauma. I feel different now, I look at her now and I sometimes just feel blank when she starts to cry. Obviously, I never leave her to cry it out but I do hold her and think what the fuck is wrong now? I see all these other babies her age that are angel like and sleep so well and I am utterly jealous. I thought it would get easier but looking back now the newborn stage was the easiest part. Sorry this is long, but ultimately I just feel very very sad. I do everything for this little girl and she’s just a very unhappy baby.

I'm sorry you are feeling depressed. Anyone would be if they are caring for a baby with barely enough sleep and so little support. First things first, you need to get some sleep. Can you get someone, your mum or a friend to watch her for few hours while you take a nap? Can you afford to hire a night nurse, even for just a night or two so you can get a break?
Then I think you need to evaluate the relationship with her dad. He shouldn't just give the "odd help", he shouldn't be on his phone and play games if you are struggling so much, you shouldn't be doing most of the work and you shouldn't have to ask him to do stuff. He's her parent too so he should do half the parenting job without being asked, including watching her at night when she can't sleep. You say you don't want to burden him because he works full time but that's not a good reason to let your partner do all the work. Do you think that mums who go back to work full time stop waking in the night to care for the baby?

Hi @kalicia

Sleep deprivation is awful and can really take a toll on our mental health. You really need to sit down with your partner and explain to him that you are struggling and need help. Some men are oblivious and don't realise the mental toll it can take caring for a baby day in day out.

I know it's difficult to get out during the day when you have been deprived of sleep but the fresh air is amazing for babies and can really help them sleep better at night after being out during the day.

Do you have any baby groups you can go to? It will be good for you to interact with other mums as there will likely be a fair few there that are going through the same as you!

It really does take a village to raise a baby. Can your mum maybe come over some evenings in the week and do bath / feed / bedtime routine so you can get at least a couple solid hours sleep?

Hang in there - my 1st was an awful sleeper much like you have described here - I know it doesn't help now but it does get better I promise! If it didn't I wouldn't have had another little one 8 weeks ago!

Hence the 3am reply .... night feed time 😂😅

Xx

I feel you. I have an 7.5 month old and my baby sounds similar to yours

I also have a traumatic birth, forceps, failed epidural, episiotomy, 2litre blood loss, 2 blood transfusions and retained placenta at 7 weeks !

I had a birth debrief, 6 counselling sessions and now on anti depressants which I think have helped as have only started to feel better and I've been on them 5 wks

I didn't wanna medicate but it was the last resort and I wanted to feel better with time but after 6m I felt no better as I generally feel my baby is such hard work

I can only offer you solidarity and know from my first baby that it does get better and just have to ride through the storm

What stood out to me was the lack of support from your partner

I lived separate from mine for years and only got better once we moved in together
Is this an option?
You definitely need to have a chat with him regardless he doesn't sound supportive

X

The problem lies with your 'partner', not your baby. He's worse than useless. You're doing great, and things will get better

Sorry you feel depressed. Babies are clingy, they're wired that way for survival. But we're not supposed to have to do this on our own and this is the challenge you face.

I don't think your baby is unhappy. Babies hate being put down. Though she may be suffering from digestion troubles or something, I don't know.

I wonder who can give you a break. Can you afford for her to go to a childminder? Can any family member give you an hour off?

Do you get out to baby groups to meet other parents. Babies are entertained more easily by other kids.

I'd also suggest journaling and seeing if you can reframe your thoughts. For example it looks as though you feel guilty your baby isn't happy. But babies cry for a multitude of reasons. As difficult as it is your baby loves you and wants your company and it shows you're a great mum. My yoga teacher said her daughter was very attracted as a baby and grew into an independent little girl.

Sorry I can't suggest more to help. xx