Tips for dealing with a 3.5 year old and a newborn?

[marysomethingabout]

Hi all, so as title says....DS goes to nursery 3.5 days a week and will continue to do so when baby 2 arrives!

I got pretty depressed after the birth of DS but hoping to avoid that this time through not only an understanding of the whole process but by being more organised!

Do the lovely wise ladies of mumsnet have any advice for surviving the newborn period (and further ahead) with this kind of age gap?

I’m about to have this exact age gap (34 weeks and being induced at 37) so following!

I have a 3 year old and 4.5 week old.

We're still trying to figure things out! But one thing I'm finding helpful is getting the 3 yo involved as much as I can. He loves helping me change baby's nappy and I try to make him feel so important by giving him "jobs" as my little helper e.g get the nappies out, pass me the changing mat etc.

I also wear baby in a sling when I have to. E.g when doing things for the toddler or so I'm not just sat on the sofa having cuddles with baby.

I'm also trying my best to still do things with the toddler that I used to such as bedtimes so that he doesn't feel too much change.

When I'm breastfeeding baby, I'll ask toddler if he wants to sit and have cuddles with us and either read a book with him or put on his favourite tv show so we all sit together. It's lovely.

It's definitely not easy but it's getting easier (since this week really) and we are slowly getting into the swing of things. I wrote a similar post to you a few weeks ago!

Hi.

Congrats on baby.

Our age gap is almost 3.5 years.

We let DD hold baby, help with nappy/bath time. Lots of involvement.

It's going to be so amazing when baby can start really interacting.

This was my age gap too.

Encourage the 3 yo to 'help'. They can fetch the wipes, mommy's water, a muslin, and can sing to the baby with you. They can also help with chores like laundry and wiping down cupboard doors, etc. Don't try doing idealistic/ instagrammy activities that result in you spending five minutes on the activity and an hour cleaning up. I'm thinking here about baking and finger painting and anything involving glitter.

However - don't overemphasise the 'big boy' or 'big sister' label. They are so little, and so young, and they have been your baby only recently.

Be patient with toileting and sleeping regressions, horrible though they are. Be patient with the odd tantrum. Talk with your 3 yo about feelings. Give them the vocabulary to express themselves. 3 year olds are complicated little people who can communicate well, but they have simple needs - demonstrations of love, cheerfulness, empathy, and knowing their grown ups are in charge.?

Make time for hugs, singing, reading, dancing, and getting the 3 yo out to enjoy the fresh air no matter how exhausted you feel. Even sitting with the 3 yo and watching kids' TV is better than leaving him or her sitting in the couch alone while you catch up.

The 3 year olds' father needs to be on the same page and needs to be involved around the house and in parenting.

Don't know how that ? snuck in there.

A carrier for baby. I kept her in all day and only took her out for feeds and nappy changes. It meant I was free to tend to older sibling and they were rarely told they had to wait for baby. Also don't say what I just said... Instead find another reason to blame for them waiting.

If you've got a partner they are 100% focused on toddler when they are at home so you can deal with the baby. Especially if you're planning to breastfeed.

Agree with everything mathanxiety wrote.

I have 3.5 year old DT and a six month old. Also keep saying things like 'sorry baby, you have to wait, I'm doing X with DC' so the older ones get the message that everyone has to wait sometimes not just them!

If you breastfeed, once the baby is latched you can still fit DCs on your lap in front (just use your arm as a barrier so they're not leaning back and squashing the baby). Or can have them cuddled up on the side.

The baby will be getting loads from watching siblings so don't worry about giving them attention beyond basic needs on the days when everyone is home. Nursery days can be about the baby.

I would say swap this when you can so when your partner is there you can have time where you really focus on the older one when possible. Or if another family member visits get them to do the baby holding so you can have toddler time. The baby won't care who is cuddling them when little but the toddler wants some time with their mum!

I bought lots of cheap sticker books (from the works!) and kept them all hidden in a box, then brought a new one out every time I needed to distract DS. Also, I was not prepared for how tired DS would be from the change in routine! A couple of times he ended up having a nap on the sofa while we were cuddling, even though he hadn't napped since he was 18 months!
Also, I know this is really common advice, but I bought DS a present from baby and he helped me pick a present for her too.
Also had baskets of quiet activities to do together if baby was napping, eg magnet tiles, puzzles, water painting.. he could do these independently too if he wanted, but I tried to get lots of 1:1 time still
Good luck ❤️ personally found it wasn't as bad as I expected, and it all goes so fast the second time around ❤️

When all else fails. YouTube Kids. Don't feel guilty if you need it from time to time.

I have a 6 month old and 3.5 year old. It's been a perfect age gap, older one is very motherly and likes to help get things for baby, nappies etc. when baby sleeps (in our case it was like 22 hours a day for the first 6 weeks!) make the most of time with the toddler. Don't get me wrong there's been a few times where Iv had to suss out who to deal with first but it's been great so far.

Something I found very helpful was to teach my toddlers to sit next to me and hold a book on a cushion on their lap during our story times. Book on cushion so it was comfortably raised and I could read from it easily without having to hold it. That way nothing about story time changed for them after the baby was born.

Also batch-cooking. The freezer was full of take-away containers with 1.5 meals in them. Take one out to defrost for adult+toddler lunch the following day.

On the subject of food, fish fingers, chips and peas (or any other frozen veg) is a perfectly acceptable meal for both toddlers and mums. As, for that matter, are sandwiches.

I had PND after dc1, but not after the subsequent children. Being forewarned, having better understanding, being kinder to myself and not demanding I be Supermum, having decent food easily available, all made a significant difference.

I think you might be surprised that it is not as hard as you think, it isn't the same shock to your whole life that the 1st is and you've already got a routine that no 2 has to fit around so I felt it wasn't floundering around so much waiting for baby to set the routine. It does feel very different to coming home with your first from my experience. All the best .

Honestly, this! My newborn is now 5 weeks old and my son is 3.5 and it's been a breeze. He was old enough to understand, he's besotted with the baby, he is old enough to have some patience. We just carried on as we were with a baby slotted in, sometimes I'm feeding the baby and he has to wait for me to get him something/play with him (and unlike PP I do tell him that) but then sometimes if I'm playing with him and baby starts getting a little fussy I'll say that baby has to wait for me to finish playing with him so he understands it goes both ways. I haven't asked him to help with the baby, or go and get me things. He did get a present from the baby and give one to the baby. Honestly it's just been lovey, a really special time. And a vastly different experience to my friends who had 2 under 2! I'm really happy with how the age gap has worked so far though appreciate it's early days.

My eldest was just short of four when the little one was born. This is going to sound perverse but it was actually easier when I had one of his friends round to play - ie when I was looking after three children rather than two. So line up some play dates.

@doingitalllagain finally someone on my wavelength! Feel like everyone's always full of total despair and negativity it's been a breeze here too! For now 😂